The Life and Times of the Drunken Rogue: Part One

I Was Born a Poor Red-Faced Boy

...And to tell you the truth, I haven't changed that much since. Let's take stock: still poor? Check. still red-faced? Check. Yep, still the same. Ah, but now I'm an illustrious Dj at a mid-sized town in Northern Louisiana, who spends large amounts of his free time and most of his workday writing blogs about everything under the sun, so that the faceless millions of cyberspace can be pleased. Yes, I am an accomplished man. How did I get here?

Well, when a man and woman are very much in love, sometimes they...no wait, that's not the story I was going to tell. Ok, here we go. I was born in 1981 in the small town of Bastrop, Louisiana. I sometimes dream of the day when the city limit signs will be replaced with "Bastrop, LA Birthplace of Joel Sharpton." That should be Thursday, I think.

Sorry, I took a detour. I was born but from where? My dad's family is originally from Alabama, simple people, no celebrities or rich relatives to speak of. Good folks, though. Grandpa Sharpton was a preacher, and a carpenter. Who, as far as I can tell, moved somewhere, built a church, preached there for a while and then moved somewhere else. He happened to stay in this area long enough to raise my dad, and when they moved away again (back to Alabama) Dad stayed behind. Incidentally, Grandpa built the church, my dad and mom still go to.

Mom's family almost all live in this area. Nana and Papaw (separate names to keep the Grandmas and Grandpas straight, genius isn't it) moved to Bastrop from Mer Rouge, an even smaller little town (I dream of the day the village limit signs will be replaced with "Mer Rouge, LA Birthplace of Joel's Mom"), when Mom was starting High School.

She and Dad are ten years apart in age. While Mom was going through puberty and middle school, Dad was marrying, having children with, and then divorcing his first wife. This is about as sordid as the secrets get in this family so, point and be shocked while you can. After she finished College and had begun her career (Education), a mutual friend introduced the two of them and the rest is history. History I'm sure destined to be explored at length in one of my Biographies someday.

They had been married just over two years when I showed up. I am still the best decision they ever made...except for that new Honda Pilot, that my friends is a NICE car. At first the three of us shared a little rented house that was actually an unused parsonage. Did I mention my family is fairly religious? Eventually a preacher actually needed the house and we were forced to look elsewhere. We settled on Haynie Avenue. It was God's country, I tell you. An open lot at the end of the street to play baseball in, big yards, some doting older ladies that lived in the houses around us and, best of all, neighbors with kids! This is where Ellie comes into the story.

Ellie has an older sister that, thus far, has gone unmentioned. Let me mention her now. Jenny. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let me return to Ellie. Ellie and I were fairly inseparable as kids. Both of us had late birthdays, so we were always one of, if not the youngest in our class. We were able to thrive though, because, well frankly we're both brilliant. It's a burden though, just ask her. Jenny was a couple of years older and so she was always the boss, or surrogate mother, depending on what was required at the time. Of course by this time, my baby sister, Jena, had arrived and therefore provided Ellie and I someone to boss as well.

Those were good times. Staying at Mamaw Rushing's house (one of the doting older women in the neighborhood), riding our bikes to K & B to pick up cigarettes for Mrs. Dean (the other older woman). By the way, can you imagine a time when an eight year could go into the store and buy cigarettes just because an old lady called and told them he was coming for her? I swear to God, I did it more than once though. The four of us, Jenny, Ellie, Me and Jena also formed a club in our backyard. We called ourselves "The Packrats" we had a sign on our playhouse door, we held meetings, had offices, and rules (Take your shoes off, when you enter the playhouse, and put them in the toy refrigerator), and occasionally put on plays...mostly for ourselves.

The fun would never last, though. Generally our adventures would go like this. I or Jena, or both would knock on Ellie and Jenny's front door, and when Mrs. Simms presented herself we'd ask, "Can Ewie and Jimmie come out and pway with me?" Don't know why we said it like that, neither one of us ever did much baby talk, but that's the way we said it. They would inevitably come out, we play on the swings, or in the playhouse, or just run around for a while goofing off, until one of the following things would happen:

1. Jenny would make me laugh, and I'd blow coke/icee/snot out of my nose, and Mom would make the girls go home.
2. Jenny would make me laugh, and I'd pee my pants (what can I say she was a funny chick), and Mom would make the girls go home.
3. Jenny/Ellie would tick Jena off, she'd throw a fit and Mom would make the girls go home.

Looking back I wonder how come no one saw the inevitability of a bad end to our hanging out together and just put a stop to it, but our friendship persisted. Within twenty minutes of the girls being sent home, I would always be at their front door, asking "Can Ewie and Jimmy come out and pway with me?" Good times, good times. My nose still occasionally burns when I drink Icees.

Eventually we moved away from Haynie Avenue, and Ellie and Jenny moved away as well. We did stay close throughout high school, Jenny and Ellie are both married now. Jenny has a beautiful son, and Ellie's little girl is on the way. Ellie and I especially kept in touch throughout high school and college, but that's another post. Childhood was good. My favorite things:

1. Kindergarten - I only went to school half days, Papaw would pick me up from school and cook me lunch while I watched "Today's Special" and "Pinwheel" on Nickelodeon.

2. Our Flying Jenny - sort of a cross between a see-saw and a merry-go-round, I'm sure they've been deemed far too dangerous for today's kids, and that wouldn't be a bad thing. I seem to remember several scrapes and bruises before, Jenny, Ellie, Jena and I broke it.

3. The way Ms. Dean's house smelled like smoke. She was the only hardcore smoker I knew as a kid and it was just very exotic.

4. Stone Soup - Every time it rained we'd put a bunch of holly berries, leaves, twigs and rocks in a big puddle, stir it up and call it stone soup. I have no idea why.

5. Our front door - It was one of those doors with frosted glass slats that could be wound in or out to allow air through, except the bottom two slats were almost always broken out, so as soon as my friends would knock, they'd always drop down and peek in the bottom of the door to see if anyone was there.

Ah, memories.

Coming soon to a blog near you: The Life and Times of the Drunken Rogue: Part Two -- Fast Times at Prairie View Academy