The Ten Commandments of Guydom

That's right ladies and gentlemen, a secret passed down for generations. Safeguarded from the prying eyes of the world, revealed here for you today. Look in wonder upon the Rules of Man. These are...

The Ten Commandments of Guydom

I. Thou shalt not sing "Happy Birthday." or, for that matter, anything other than: Johnny Cash, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, or Ledbelly. Singing guitar solos is however allowed, as long as appropriate air guitar pantomime is used along with the singing.

II. Thou shalt not suffer a mime to live. With the exception of the above mentioned air guitar pantomime, there is never an excuse for miming. A guy must not mime himself, nor should he observe others miming. If a friend is found to be a mime, or have been involved in miming, he should be summarily executed so as to maintain the honor of his family.

III. Thou shalt help a friend in real need. While minor favors are expected to be ignored (ie. moving, cleaning a garage, carrying a friend to the hospital after an injury), when real help is needed, a guy must be there. Circumstances that qualify as "real" help include, but are not limited to:
1.Taking the fat friend on a date so as to help your buddy's chances with his girl
2. moving and/or burying bodies
3. removal of illegal/distasteful paraphanelia before a spouse/significant other/parent visits
4. learning the name of people you are supposed to already know at a party

IV. Thou shalt not date a friend's ex-girlfriend/wife. This is a hard and fast rule. There is no excuse for breaking it, and failure to abide by it may be punishable by expulsion from the Guild of Men. Penalties (other than dirty looks from the friend impinged upon) would not be applicable if:
1. The ex in question was dumped because of a sex change operation (if you love her as a dude, she's all yours)
2. The relationship could be allowed as pay back for some debt of the friend (ex. You broke my TV that time and never helped me get a new one. I get to date your ex!)
3. The ex in question is overly hot. The level of hotness, and whether or not the hotness exceeds the necessary level, will be determined by a vote of no less than 5 but no more than 10 mutual friends.

V. Thou shalt not take the last (insert item of import here). This rule applies to the following: beer, cigarette, doughnut, pizza slice, hot dog/hamburger, girl at a party etc. The last (insert item of import here) goes to (whichever may be applicable):
1. The guy who paid
2. The guy who owns the house
3. The biggest guy
4. The guy who was in prison most recently

VI. Thou shalt abide at all times by the sacred law of "shotgun." For complete rules click here. "Shotgun" rules can be modified at anytime, without notice, by the current driver. Getting screwed out of shotgun by current driver can however be used against the driver at some later date (ie. You screwed me out of shotgun that time, so I can date you ex).

VII. Thou shalt go out for drinks with any friend who has just: Been dumped, dumped someone, graduated, gotten a raise, gotten a new job, gotten fired, signed up for military service, received a jail term, finished a jail term, or finally bagged a girl he has been pursuing for some time. Any attempt to get out of this obligation will be marked up as a debt to the friend.

IIX. Thou shalt never ask for help with any of the following: directions, changing a tire, installing stereo/audio video equipment, starting a fire, barbecuing, setting up a tent, mixing drinks, or loading a gun.

IX. Thou shalt not offer nor accept fashion advice from other guys. The only exception to this rule is for personal hygiene matters (ie. Does my breath/pits/car stink, do I have a booger etc.) That advice can however be completely untrue, beware.

X. Thou shalt not ask, "Who's playing?" While love/appreciation/interest in sports is not required for a guy, it is expected that all men should at least recognize the uniforms of the teams in question. An acceptable question is, "What's the score?" or "Who's winning?" A guy may then respond with more information than necessary so as to help a floundering guy. (ex. "What's the score?" "Tennessee Titans 7, Indianapolis Colts 10.")

All men should print these out, memorize, and then eat or other wise dispose of the evidence. Women should completely disregard this post. Really, what are you staring at? Go away.