It's the End of the World as We Know it...and I Feel Fine

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a breaking news bulletin: The New Orleans Saints are 5-1 heading into their bye week. This is irrefutable evidence that Hell, the domain of Satan and millions of lesser demons has officially frozen over. As corroborating evidence of Hell's lowered temperatures those of you in the southern United States might have noticed torrential downpours over the last 48 hours. This reporter believes these rains are the result of the first layers of Hell ice melting. As we prepare for the coming apocalypse here is a handy guide to what we can expect in the next days, weeks, and months.

1. Paris Hilton wins an Oscar. -- Her latest film outing "Bottom's Up" is not on many critics awards radar, but it will be soon. The film also stars Jason Mewes, of "Clerks" fame. Interesting trivia: this film was already scheduled to win an Oscar because the director had sold his soul to the Devil. No word on whether or not this will allow him wiggle room in the contract.

2. Barbara Streisand holds a political fundraiser for The Republican Party. -- Babs is about to embark on another tour, with Il Divo no less. But she is finding time inbetween tour dates to do a little song and dance for the GOP. Sure she and W haven't always seen eye to eye, but seeing as the world is coming to an end, she's putting their differences aside to help the campaigns of Republicans around the nation. It seems Babs would rather the Republicans be in charge when the poop really hits the fan. Hmm. She's not completely illogical after all.

3. John Kerry makes a decision...no he doesn't...yes he does...we'll get back to you. -- Sen. Kerry has a little bit of a reputation as a "flip flopper." Decisive is not a word anyone would ever use to describe him. But with the recent ParaClimatic Event (ie. Hell Freezing over), he has found his...backbone...and come out strongly against the Hades Cooling Effect...Wait, he's for it...actually the Senator has decided to wait for poll results. He'll be holding a press conference to discuss his opinion on pressing matters possibly including the Frozen Hell phenomenon, tomorrow morning. Thank you.

4. Tom Cruise appears on a national television talk show, does nothing outlandish. -- It's hard to imagine, I know. But there was a time when Tom Cruise was known for his charming good looks, and box office bankability, not being absolutely crazy. At this time, we don't know if he and his Scientology cronies are responsible for the cooler Netherworld temperatures or if they're just maintaining a low profile 'cause they think the intergalactic terrorist Zenu is back to destroy the world, but either way Cruise is going to act normal for a while. That oughta make headlines.

5. Lance Bass announces the whole "gay" thing was just a big ruse, he's really straight as an arrow. -- ...you know what, there is no joke here, 'cause it's just too impossible. Even if Hell has frozen over, the Saints are on their way to a winning season, Tom Cruise is sane, Paris Hilton is a good actress, and the Democrats get a clue, it's just too hard to believe this fruit loop likes chicks.

That's right kiddo's, all the signs point to this being it, so all those impossible things you never thought could happen feel free to test them out. I'm wearing my Saints Jersey today and nobody's pointing and laughing. Now that's impossible.