The Drunken Rogue's Guide to Disappointment

The Drunken Rogue's life story reads like the story of Napoleon, without the shortness, or the loss to Russia, and the final imprisonment and exile. What I mean, is that my life is one victory after another. But just because I'm not a loser, doesn't mean that I can't understand the plight of losers. I do indeed feel your pain (even if I've never undergone it). For those that were devastated by the New Orleans Saints loss yesterday (or those suffering a more personal, and pitiful loss) I've decided to favor you with a step by step guide to eliminating disappointment.

1. Admit Defeat - Before you can begin the healing process, you have to realize that you have, in fact, been knocked on your butt. It happens (not to me, but to a lot of people). Admit that you have been bested in the game of life, accept your position on the bottom of the totem pole, and then plot the destruction of those above you.

2. Drown your Sorrows - Is my name the Drunken Rogue? Yes. Would I condone the drinking of intoxicating beverages as a relief for sorrow (especially for those of my audience that are underaged)? Never. No, we are not talking about liquor, here. I only mean that you should find something to dilute your suffering. For some that might be chocolate milk. Others may find solace in a big bowl of chicken soup. Some may indeed find relief at the bottom of the bourbon bottle. To each his own. The important thing is that you over indulge in something that comforts you...and don't blame me for the results.

3. Declare your Intentions - There is nothing that screams confidence and comeback like a declaration of ambitions. If you are (as I am) a media darling, you could call a press conference. For the lesser-known among you perhaps you could draft a manifesto and send it to your local newspaper. One might even pirate local airwaves to broadcast the start of your new revolution (again, The Drunken Rogue is NOT responsible legally for your incarceration if you are caught). The important thing is that you put the words out there. "I have fallen, but I will rise again." Also, it helps if you have a cause. Think the plight of the working man, or the inherent unfairness of the two party political system. You should definitely stay away from pansy causes like the environment or animal rights. Nobody would take THAT revolution seriously.

4. Fire an Opening Shot - When we speak of "Opening Shot's", we are speaking figuratively. While they are sometimes literal shots (ie. the "Shot heard 'round the world" that started the American Revolution). It could just as easily be some smack talk on your blog targeted at those that put you down in the first place (this would probably be significantly safer for most of you). The importance of this "opening shot" can not be underestimated. Let's face it, you're a loser. Those that are currently your betters don't even know that you are still around. You've got to poke them to get their attention. You might as well make it hurt.

5. Take over Europe - Sure, it may seem a little over ambitious, but if we have learned anything from history, it's that Europe will fold under any attacker. Just ask Hitler, Napoleon, Charlemagne, The Turks, Marcus Aurelius, Alexander the Great, or any French person (not because they've conquered Europe, but because they are very familiar with surrender), there is no quicker way to get into the history books than taking over Europe. Own your own continent and THEN they'll take you seriously.

Now, students, thus ends the reading for the day. Go and do likewise. You losers!