A Drunken Guide to Valentine's Day

Ahhh, St. Valentine's Day. The holiday for lovers...and candy companies...and Hallmark cards...and suicide, you know for the lonely people.

Once again the day to honor the one you love is upon us and chances are good that most of you reading this haven't prepared at all (you've been far too busy reading my blogs and then researching my pop culture references. I understand). But not to worry. The Drunken Rogue (as usual) is here to save the day. So for all you boyfriends, all the girlfriends, the husbands, the wives, the pathetic singles that have constructed complicated and thorough fabricated significant others fooling not only their friends but themselves, this is for you.

**Author's Note** the following suggestions will all assume that your beloved is a woman. If that is not the case, please feel free to change she to he and her to him etc. in your head. It takes too much time to write he/she or him/her every time I want to use a pronoun and I just refuse to write a bunch of ways to shower love on a dude. That's just weird.**End Author's Note**

1. Start the day off with a bang -- Okay, so I'm not publishing this until the afternoon of Valentine's Day, but you could always use it next year (chances are you'll still be hopelessly clueless then) or even fool her into thinking that tomorrow is actually Valentine's Day and people have been goofing with her all day long, then pull this stunt tomorrow morning. Sure, she'll figure it out eventually, but it'll work in the immediate. Maybe long enough for you to get lucky. Here are some suggestions for morning displays of affection.
a. Make her breakfast in bed. It's a classic, but it became a classic for a reason. Some foods however do not work well in bed. Maple syrup with her pancakes is just asking for trouble. Scalding coffee, while guaranteed to get her going, is also fairly certain to scald when she spills it all over herself. Let's just leave those in the kitchen.
b. Leave a treasure hunt of notes for her to follow throughout the day towards her present. This will take some forethought, planning, and exertion on your part (again, maybe this one's better for next year) but the payoff is huge. A bonus of using this plan is that you'll get practice for when you're an eccentric millionaire making your heirs hunt for their inheritance.
c. Pour a pitcher full of cold water on her about five minutes before her alarm is set to go off. She'll scream, she'll curse, she'll probably try to do you physical harm, but trust me. That's just her way of showing she appreciates you. **Bonus Points available if before dousing her, you move the bed outside into the cold. It'll be tough to move without waking her, but worth it for the look on her face.

2. Stay away from the tried and true. -- Chocolates and roses are for suckers, and herd followers. You're not a herd follower, are you? I didn't think so. That's why you'll keep your present list to unexpected and original ideas. Here are some for you to copy:
a. The Flowbee. It's sensible, it's stylish, and it'll save her hundreds yearly on hair cuts. Available at fine retailers everywhere.
b. A new High Definition TV. She says it's silly to spend thousands on a television, but we all know that women don't mean what they say. Wait 'til she says her favorite programs in High Definition. You know, "Will and Grace" or..."Baby Story"...whatever it is that women watch.
c. One word, thongs. Everyone knows that women like to feel sexy, and what makes you feel sexier than underwear that lodges itself in regions where not even your doctor would know his way around? **This present in particular works well for either gender**

3. Take her out to dinner. -- Remember when you were first dating, and a nice evening out meant a whole value meal instead of just a couple of items off the dollar menu at McDonald's? Relive those days, and recapture the romance you used to feel. She'll understand exactly what she means to her, when you tell her "Order anything, babe. Anything at all...except for the Premium Chicken meal. 6 bucks for a chicken sandwich is just silly." Remember, folks. Value menu is French for "I love you." **Translator's note** This is neither true, nor funny. Thank you.**End Translator's Note**

4. Remind her how desirable you are. -- There are plenty of ways to do this (you could spend months working out getting that hardened body back, or just pick up a new suit instead of taking her out wearing your too-tight, hole-filled blue jeans) but my suggestion would be to make a date with that cute secretary from the office. Tell your significant other to meet you at the restaurant and then when she shows up just say, "Oh my. This IS awkward." She'll realize she's been taking you for granted for far too long. You wanted spice in the relationship, THIS will bring back the spice.

5. Pull-out the fail-safe. -- It's four-forty five on Valentine's Day afternoon. You didn't have a card for her this morning. You didn't send flowers to her office. You have planned absolutely nothing for the afternoon, and all the best cards are already taken at Wal-Mart. There is only one thing left to do. Tell her you don't believe in Valentine's Day. At first she'll probably assume you just forget about it until it was too late, but if you rant long enough and with enough conviction (keep repeating things like "invented by the greeting card industry" and "I show my love for you all year long, why would I box it in to just one day") she just might eventually buy it. If she doesn't, just remember there's always that cute secretary from the office.

***Lawyer's Note*** The opinions expressed in the preceding blog are not the opinions of Blogger, MySpace, Joel, the law firm of Hookem, Catchem, and Skinem or any sane individual. They are expressed (we assume) for the intention of providing a humorous look at Valentine's Day and romance in general. Although HC and S do not find the jokes presented above funny (or even that interesting) we do acknowledge and remind the reader that they are protected by the author's First Amendment rights. Any dissolution of a relationship brought about by following the above suggestions is not the fault of the author (and especially not the fault of HC and S). You'd have to be a complete idiot to follow any of these suggestions, and while we aren't the best lawyers in the world, even we can beat a complete idiot. ***End Lawyer's Note***

Happy Valentine's Day everybody, from The Drunken Rogue