Glee Club and the Debate Team Just Don't Cut It Anymore as Extracurriculars

Thiago Olson may be a lot of things, but an underachiever isn't one of them. He spent his weekends and downtime (when he wasn't running track and field or cross-country events) building his own personal Mr. Fusion. In November of 2006, Thiago became a nuclear power. That screaming you hear is 500 Iranian scientist being punished for their failure.

Now, Thiago didn't really build himself a bomb. We believe in the right to bear arms, but even the NRA allows for some limits (this nuclear bomb is for Duck hunting!). What he did create was his own little star, sort of. The machine young Mr. Olson built (from parts he found on Ebay and in local hardware stores, by the way) doesn't have any explosive properties (the department of health has recently checked it out, thank God) and it wouldn't work as an energy source because it takes more energy to get running than it outputs, but it does make for a fairly impressive science fair project. And I was proud of my model volcano (complete with marshmallow lava!).

The Michigan teenager knew that he had reached nuclear fusion when bubbles appeared in his dosimeter, which is funny, 'cause I always thought that was a sign of too much roughage. Thiago knew, however, that the bubbles were a byproduct of fusion indicating the presence of neutrons. I have no idea what half the words in this paragraph mean, and well...frankly...that makes me feel a little small.

The good news for those of us not cooking up nuclear fusion in our garages is:

1. Thiago probably doused himself in radiation during this whole process and will therefore either, get cancer much earlier than the rest of us, or grow a third arm. Either way, his dating chances are significantly slimmer than ours.

2. The fact that he had enough spare time to study, research, acquire the parts necessary and actually construct a "star in the jar" apparatus (which can be seen to the right), signifies that his chances with the ladies weren't that good to begin with. Nah-nah-nah nah-boo-boo!

This does however mean a great deal of bad news for bullies in Thiago's town. You mess with Thiago, and you just might get nuked!

Check out a different side of the Drunken Rogue at "Exclamations of a Drunken Rogue"