Sweaty, Muscular Men in Tights and Why It's Not Homo-Erotic

So, much like my Flava-Flav confession of last week, I have something to share today. It's a deep dark secret, and one that, I admit, at times I'm ashamed of.

I love professional wrestling.

Does that make me a geek? Absolutely. While the rest of the world scoffs at my love for a fake sport, I stand proudly with the trailer parks and NASCAR fans, throwing the DX sign, and chanting my favorite catch phrases. And no, that doesn't make me the least bit gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Last night, Ella and I (that's right I got Mrs. Drunken Rogue to go along) journeyed to the home of my favorite sports guy F-O-X, to watch the latest Pay Per View from World Wrestling Entertainment, Summer Slam! For those that don't follow the world of Professional Wrestling (and as I look at my subscriber list, I'm seeing that's probably most of you, indeed this may be one of my lesser read blogs) WWE hosts a pay per view once a month, but there are four major ones every year. We (and by we I mean Fox, myself and our other redneck inbred buddies, Chuckles, Bro. Nick, Other Nick and K-Rob) have decided to purchase those four big pay per views, splitting the cost.

So last night we all got together at Fox's new crib (sweet digs by the way) with our respective wives/girlfriends (all except Chuckles, because, well, you have to make a pretty solid commitment to a girl to get her to come watch wrestling, and Chuck is still playing the field), got some pizza, and settled in for three hours of sweaty muscular men in tights. My wife (astute observer that she is) had already commented on the way to the event, "This all seems a little homo-erotic. I mean oiled up dudes in underwear, rubbing on each other. That's a little gay!" You have to forgive her, she just doesn't understand the nuances of Pro Wrestling... What's that?...You think it sounds a little gay, too?...Well apparently we need some examples of how NOT GAY it is!

1. First of all there is a beautiful bevy of WWE Divas in the locker room -- That's right. In between the spandex clad muscle men matches, we are treated to petite ladies 'rasslin' around the ring. Of course, a lot of them aren't really that pretty, and some of them are actually lesbians. And we do all agree that's the most boring part of the events...

2. The wrestlers are constantly making homo-phobic jokes -- It's not rare at all to have a storyline (that's right, it's a male soap opera) where one of the wrestlers is believed by his former partners to be gay, and therefore he becomes ostracized or even attacked because of it. Also one current running joke is that the president of the company, Vince McMahon likes dudes. When I pointed this out last night, Ella just smiled and said, "They make fun of what they fear about themselves." I didn't really understand that, but I'm sure I made my point.

3. The oil and the tights are for physical advantage, not for vanity -- The wrestlers wear the tights to increase agility, not to show off their package. And the oil is so their opponent can't get a good grip on them, not really to show off their muscles. To this, Ella said, "Right, because it's not like they've already decided who's going to win or lose! They want make sure it's an even playing field." At first I thought I had swayed her, but the more I think about it, I think she was being sarcastic...

I've loved wrestling since I was a little kid. Papaw took me to see house shows in Monroe, and I've been hooked ever since. I fade in and out of regular viewing, but I generally try to keep up with the broad strokes of what's going on. All of that wrestling knowledge has sparked quite a few great wrestling jokes, which would be completely wasted on Ella, as she would probably just point out how it makes me look gay, and let's face it, she'd be right. But last night I got to break out all the funny stuff.

Top Three Humorous Moments from Last Night (my apologies to those that don't get it, I promise the next post will be non-wrestling related)

3. As the first of two main events began, we mimicked the announcers by promoting our own Wrestling event, "The Brawl for it All," featuring a battle royal between our beloved Fox, and a rival sportscaster from Monroe. As the joke grew we threw in other local radio and tv personalities, in the end forming a card I think would actually sell. I'm talking to a promoter right now, seeing what kind of advance we could get for setting this up... also, I'm completely kidding.

2. During the second match from Smackdown! (for those not in the know, this is the crappy and underperforming show of the company. Not even wrestling fans watch that one), we joked about the arena clearing out as everyone visited the restrooms.

1. As that second Smackdown match (between King Booker and Batista) King Booker and his escort, Queen something or other, were introduced by the announce team. Queen whose-her-face was compared to other, real queens, "She makes the Queen of Sheba look like a streetwalker!" etc. to which my buddy Kyle added, "She makes Queen Elizabeth look like she's got syphilis!" Fox and Nick both quickly retorted, "Queen Elizabeth's Dead, man." Kyle and I looked at each other, not believing that we could have missed news like that. "How?" Kyle asked. Again, Fox and Nick almost in unison, "Lex Luger made her overdose, he's in jail." For roughly a second and a half, Kyle and I were both again astounded. How in the world did Lex Luger (a former pro wrestler) end up at Windsor Palace with enough H-train to kill the queen? Then it occurred to us, that it was a simple case of mistaken identity. Nick and Fox were describing a lovely lady known by the title of Ms. Elizabeth, that used to escort Randy Savage and other wrestlers. She did in fact overdose at Luger's house, but Kyle and I were referring to the reigning monarch of England. She (while exceedingly old) is in fact still alive.

If I could leave you with one thought, I'd say this. Wrestling is, at face value, a little gay. But it's also a lot of fun. For a bunch of guys who generally lead civilized lives, we get to live vicariously through these characters. We don't fix our problems with violence, however much we might want to. We don't abuse and use women, however much our inner caveman might want to. And we don't oil ourselves up and grapple with other grown men in tights, however much we might... I'm gonna leave that right there.

Also, if you ever get invited to Lex Luger's house, go. It'll be a hell of a good time. Just don't take any pills he might offer you.