Joel's Lessons in Coolness: Tips for the Rest of You

I understand that not everyone can be cool. Cool, by it's very nature requires that some people don't have it. Just as it would be difficult to define good without evil, what would be cool if there were no lame?

Those who live without cool, however, are a sad and lonely bunch and (at least occasionally, and among their own kind) should get to enjoy the feeling of being cool. In the interest of sharing some of the knowledge I've gained through more than two decades of coolness, I have created this short primer in coolness. I hope you and the millions like you find it eases your pain, and perhaps even brings you new friends...(well, let's don't get our hopes up too much).

1. Repeat movie quotes as often as possible -- Whenever applicable (and sometimes even when it's a stretch) you should insert quotes from movies you and your friends enjoy. It's actually better if not everyone with you knows the movie or particular quote, but make sure that at least one person cooler than you will laugh at your use of the quote. If only lame people laugh, that quote should be retired.

2. Find a hobby -- Nothing says lame like idleness. Keep yourself busy, and give yourself something interesting to talk about by taking up a hobby. Some cool hobbies include (but are not limited too): stamp collecting, accordion playing, recycling, blog writing.

3. Now that you have a hobby, talk about it incessantly -- everyone loves to hear about you, so spend as much time as possible detailing the minutiae of your newfound hobby. That glazed over look in their eye is just the jealousy that they don't have a cool hobby.

4. Always top your friends -- Whenever someone is describing something cool that they did, or something fortunate that happened to them, make sure you have a story to top it. Ex. "I went skydiving this weekend." "Oh, yeah? That's almost as cool as my HALO jump this weekend into the mountains of Afghanistan. I was looking for Osama Bin Laden. Yeah, I caught him." or "I can't believe it, but I got a $5,000 raise this week at work." "Oh, that's nice for you. I bought out my company, so I'm pretty much running things over there now." These "topper" stories are not in any way required to be true.

5. Three words, Public Displays of Affection -- I guess that's technically FOUR words, but you see, there were three important words and one preposition...so...yeah... Public displays of Affection are the perfect way to remind your friends that you are desirable and definitely cool! If you have roommates, you should only make out with your gf/bf/paid escort on the couch in the living room. They may act like it's weird, but inside they are thinking how cool you are, and how much they wish they were in your shoes. If you live alone, try to make out as often as possible at parties, or when watching a movie together as a group. Nothing says cool like swapping spit in front of other people.

There are, of course, many more lessons on the road to coolness, but these will have to do for now. I've got a big day ahead of me, making out with my wife at her brother's house, decorating my new office as General Manager of the radio station, and writing a few more blogs. It's really hard work coming up with something new to write all the time, but I know you guys enjoy them so, "I'll Be back!" (said in my best Arnold voice).