Merry Christmas from Corporate: The Office Christmas Party

As long as there has been Christmas and corporations there have been office Christmas parties. The first official office Christmas parties were held by members of the Roman army shortly after Constantine accepted Christianity and therefore made Rome a Christian nation. These guys were willing to follow their Emperor into a new religion, but they had lived their whole lives as pagans, they were not about to forget the fun they had had during the festival of the Sun (Winter Solstice for those not in the know). So Constantine (being the slick mover and shaker he was) decreed that the official celebration of our Savior's birth would just happen to coincide with the old tradition of the festival of the Sun. This pleased the Roman soldiers greatly. They could get loaded on mead and wine, hit on the cute girls from the stone chiseling office and still feel like they were good Christians since they were doing it all in the name of Christmas (Nobody said that the Romans made GOOD Christians).

The next heyday for office Christmas parties was during England's Imperial period. Companies like the East India Trading Company ruled England with money and they were quickly buying up the entire undeveloped world. They also threw a hell of an office party. While their Hallow's Eve party was quickly discontinued (due to fear of burning for practice of witchcraft), their Christmas parties are recalled in such classic literary works as "Bombed Out of Thy Mind" by the hero of Jamestown, John Smith, and "Rendevous with the Secretary 'Neath the Mistletoe" by the explorer Sir Francis Drake. It's a little difficult to cut through the middle English and get to the really juicy parts, but if you dig Shakespeare and keg stands these books are for you.

The office Christmas party has continued as a hallowed (and horrible) tradition until this very day. Last night the popular NBC program "The Office" (aptly titled don't you think?) had it's second "Christmas party episode" in three seasons. If you've never been to an office Christmas party (which probably means you don't have a job, you slacker!), then this show would have served as an adequate primer in what you can expect to find at one. Alcoholic drinks, finger foods, cheesy decorations, people who drink too much, people who do not drink enough, awkward flirtation between one of the male employees and one of the female employees, and likely somebody will cry. Maybe they'll cry because they've had too much to drink. Maybe they'll cry because they've just been dumped and it's sad to be alone on the holidays. Maybe, they'll cry because they've just been fired for xeroxing their butt. All of these are acceptable (and quite possible) reasons to cry.

I will be attending my own office Christmas party tonight. It is likely to be my last Christmas party at this particular job (Mrs. Rogue is graduating and we're planning a move, remember?). Since I'm married (and they're are only two girls below forty that work at the station anyway) it is highly unlikely that I (or anyone else for that matter) will get into the awkward flirting. There will be real food (we're traveling to a nice restaurant instead of bringing finger foods) so someone is likely to significantly overeat. It's also very likely that someone will get too drunk and make a fool of themselves. I've got my fingers crossed that's not me, although if I was going to do it, this year would be the time to do it. I AM on my way out anyway.

For those of you that are not lazy slackers, I hope you enjoy your office Christmas party. Drink, but don't drink too much. Flirt, but don't be weird about it. And no matter what your friends tell you, it is not a good idea to xerox your butt. Don't ask me how I know, but butt prints are just as identifiable as fingerprints. And besides, that glass top on the xerox machine will NOT hold very much weight. Merry Christmas, from me and mine to you and yours.