The Roguies: The Drunken Rogue Awards

Welcome, one and all, to the first annual Roguies. 'Tis the time of year for honoring those that don't deserve it, and I wanted in on all the fun. While the Oscars limit themselves to films, the Emmy's only award television programs, and the Grammy's only award (what passes these days for) music, The Roguies can be awarded to just about anyone (or anything for that matter). Because the categories are so broad, the Roguie is considered by many (just me really) to be the highest award achievable by mankind (the previous sentence is the definition of hyperbole). Without further ado, here are the nominees for our first award.

"Outstanding Achievement in Jerkitude/Jerk of the Year":

Joel's Former Boss in "My Big Fat Mean Boss"
Vice President Dick Cheney in "To Mistake My Buddy for a Mockingbird"
Deposed Dictator Saddam Hussein in "Hang 'Em High"
Steve Jobs in "No Price too High"

A lot of people were surprised with Osama Bin Laden falling off this years nominee list, but he hasn't made any threatening public statements in a while, and Joel's former Boss really made an impression on this year's voters. Let's see who takes this one home.

The "Jerk of the Year" Award goes to... Steve Jobs. Accepting now, Steve Jobs. "I just have to say, that being in such company really means a lot to me. You look at that panel of nominees and we're talking about some of the biggest jerks of all-time, so I knew I was the underdog going in. How did I get here? Well, the important part was that I started by making a device that everybody really, really wanted. Then I just charged a completely exorbitant price for it. I had a lot of help. My competitors could have come out with similar devices at more reasonable prices, but they just rolled over, which is why I'm standing here tonight. Thank you, and look forward to the next big announcement from Apple, the iToilet!

"Best Supporting Wife"

Bill Clinton in "Ex-Presidents Don't Cry"
Katie Holmes-Cruise in "Mmmhmmhmhm mm Hmmhmh: (Scientology is Stupid **Translated through her gag**)
Posh Spice in "Other People's Money"
Mrs. Rogue in "Stand By Your Blogger"

And the award goes to...this is a shocker! Mrs. Rogue. Accepting on her behalf is the Drunken Rogue. "My wife would have been here, but she neither acknowledges the Roguies as real awards nor humors me. She works very hard putting up with not only my eccentricities at home, but my ego-centric ramblings online. Thank you for this award, and don't forget to check out those ego-centric ramblings at either DrunkenRogue.blogspot.com or MySpace!"

"Best Talentless Celebrity":

Paris Hilton in "Airhead"
Pauly Shore in "The Kato Kaelin Story"
Paula Adbul in "Fear and Judging in Hollywood"
Britney Spears in "What's Brains Got to Do With It"

And the Award for "Best Talentless Celebrity" goes to...Britney Spears. Accepting is Britney's spiritual adviser, Lindsey Lohan. "Uhmm, Britney wanted to be here for herself, but she is aboriginally busy right now being a mother and finding her next deadbeat ex-husband. Tonight as she hits all the hot spots and the bestest clubs, I'm sure she is condomplating all of you, and honorarying your acknonneration of her by not wearing underwear. Britney is like my ible and you couldn't have found a more deserving, less talented celebrity. Thanks you."

"Best Picture Likely to Get Shafted by the Academy Awards Despite Millions of People Nationwide Recognizing it's Greatness" goes to...

"The Departed" from Martin Scorcese. Accepting for "The Departed" is Martin Scorcese. "Wow, you know you work hard on a film that you care about, hoping, praying that it'll be acknowledged, and then you get an award like this that makes you realize that's just never going to happen. I have so many people to thank, but let me just start with Mel Gibson. Mel, if it weren't for your tremendous film "The Passion of the Christ" and it's complete snubbing, this category might not even exist. So, thank you for taking your lumps so I can stand here today. I'd also like to thank my agent, for continually getting my hopes up only to allow me to spiral into depression year after year, I don't know what I'd do without you. And to my wonderful cast, the good news is the Academy only hates me, so you might actually win something."

The "Lifetime Achievement Award for Usefullness" goes to...Joel's Remote Control Finger. Accepting for Mr. Finger is Joel. "I can't begin to tell you all what this means to Finger. For his peers to acknowledge the hard work that he's put in over the years, like this...Well, it's touching. I know he would have loved to have been here tonight, but he's in training in preparation for February Sweeps. Thank you, and may all of us work as hard, and love our job as much as My Remote Control Finger!"

"Fictional Character Joel Would Most Likely Trade His Real Friends For" the nominees are:

Hiro from "Heroes"
Alan Shore from "Boston Legal"
Al Swearingen from "Deadwood"
Jack Bauer from "24"

And the award goes to...Oh my! Mr. Swearingen has accosted Alan Shore. He's screaming obscenities at him for "messing with his girl". Now Agent Bauer is getting involved...He...Oh my God! He's got a gun, he's shot Al, and is turning the gun on Mr. Shore. He's shot him, but wait! There were two shots, Bauer is falling too. Denny Crane has killed Jack Bauer! Where the heck is Hiro? Oh...he's teleported to the podium and is accepting the award. "I want fank you for this awaad. Though a Hero needs no wecognition, I glad to get this awaad. Now, I must get to mission. Goodbye Captain Kirk!"

Ladies and gentlemen, there we are another exciting and action-packed Roguie's Award Ceremony. Join us again next year for more of the best Joel has to offer.