Irony, Thy Name is Amy Winehouse

Note to self: If you ever have a chart topping hit with a song about your unwillingness to go to rehab, do not put yourself in a position to need to go to rehab.

Poor Amy. Just this weekend I was trying to download the 30 second version of her hit song as my new ringtone and now I find that she's joined the Lindsey Lohan school of business management. Amy has high marks in Drug Use, Drunken Debauchery, and is a quick study with plenty of potential in Domestic Violence. Lindsey must be so proud.

The Superficial.com (the nastiest, and yet most deliciously wonderful celebrity website in existence) reports that Amy and her husband have checked themselves into the aforementioned (and completely un-rhymable) rehab after a particular bad couple of weeks. Check out the link for the full story, but the gist of it is that Amy and Hubby's shenanigans caught the attention of their respective parents and all hell broke loose when they came to check up on their darling young ones.

In all seriousness, Amy is an incredibly talented young woman and I'm hopeful that she truly has seen the error of her ways and is getting the help she needs. Maybe her next big hit can be called, "12 Steps".

Here's Amy in all her ironic glory:

I Hate Oscar! (**Sarcasm required**)

The elitist Academy proved once again last night that they've hidden their heads in the sand and made the safe and predictable choices instead of awarding the truly deserving. Is Martin Scorcese really the best director this year? Or is he just an Academy darling who wins every award he's up for? That's what I thought!

Jennifer Hudson winning an Oscar! Simon Cowell thought she was "out of her depth" and who is the Academy to second guess the fantastic judges of "American Idol"? You wanna know what the "Best Picture" was this year? I have two words for you. Ricky. Bobby. Will Ferrell could act circles around Leo Dicrappio, and in a heated back alley battle royale my money is still on Ferrell (I've seen what he can do with a pitchfork).

The rest of the awards weren't much better. Idi Amin won for "Best Actor" proving once and for all that Hollywood IS on the side of the terrorists (look forward to next year's feel-good film, "The Last Sheik of Baghdad: The Saddam Hussein Story." It'll probably win George Clooney another Oscar). "Borat" was cheated out of the "Best Adapted Screenplay" award. To showcase the glaring error the Academy made on this one, here's an excerpt from "Borat":

Borat: I like you, do you like me?
Driving Instructor: Of course I like you.
Borat: You are my friend?
Driving Instructor: You're a nice young man and, yes, I am your friend.
Borat: You will be my boyfriend?
Driving Instructor: No, I won't be your boyfriend.
Borat: Why not?
Driving Instructor: Okay, yeah, I guess I can be your boyfriend.

Moving. Compassionate. Challenging. Those are just a few of the words I could think of to describe that passage. It's genius my friends, overlooked genius. Now here's an excerpt from the film that beat out "Borat", "The Departed" adapted by William Monahan:

Frank Costello: Church wants you on your place. Kneel, stand, kneel, stand. If you go for that sort of thing, I don't know what to do for you. A man makes his own way. No one gives it to you. You have to take it. "Non serviam."
Young Colin: James Joyce.
Frank Costello: Smart, Colin. Guineas from the north and down Providence try to tell me what to do. And, uh, something maybe happen to them. Maybe, uh, like that.
[cuts to Costello executing two people on beach]

Well, you can't make it much more plain than that, can you? Not only could Mr. Monahan not write a movie on his own (he had to translate somebody else's) but then he goes and quotes other authors. It's called plagiarism buddy, and like Borat feels about Jewish people, I don't like it!

There were some things I liked about the awards:

1. With the invention of Tivo and the ability to skip commercials, the ceremony can now be viewed in just under 16 hours!

2. The lingering rumor that Martin Scorcese and George Lucas are actually the same person can finally be put to rest, since they appeared on stage together...of course, their best friend is Steven Spielberg...Lucas does own ILM...could it have been CGI'ed?

3. Al Gore didn't announce that he's running for President again, but he did imply that he invented motion pictures.

4. Since Eddie Murphy wasn't the one that beat Mark Walberg for "Best Supporting Actor" he gets to live. Sadly, Alan Arkin is not so lucky. Watch out for the Funky Bunch, Alan.

5. Jack Nicholson showed solidarity with his new love, Britney Spears.

Just Shut Up and Sing: Fame, Speaking Your Mind and Responsibility

No, I'm not talking about the Dixie Chicks...well, not specifically. For those that haven't heard, a former NBA Player, John Amaechi, recently announced that he is, and has been, homosexual. For those that don't follow professional sports, that's a pretty big deal. Male athletes, do not come out of the closet. That doesn't mean that there are not homosexual athletes. Gays make up a sizable enough segment of the population that statistically there have to be some playing football, baseball, basketball etc. for money. This was (and remains) a big story. Pretty much any NBA player interviewed since this announcement has been asked their opinion on this issue.

Tim Hardaway is a former NBA player. During his 13 years in the league he was voted an All-Star 5 times. He now works mostly as an NBA analyst and commentator. When the question of homosexuals in the locker room was posed to Tim, he had this to say, "I hate gay people." He said some other things too, "I wouldn't want him on my team..." and "I would try to distance myself from him as much as possible..." but the crux is "I hate gay people."

Understandably sports talk radio (and TV for that matter) has been largely focused on this story ever since his remarks. It's a big deal when someone says they hate a segment of the population (remember when Mel Gibson's Dad said the Holocaust didn't happen). Around our radio station (we own an ESPN affiliate) the general opinion is that no one cares. The question has been raised, "Why do we care what Tim Hardaway, or any celebrity, thinks about these issues?" That's what I want to talk about today. Not homosexuality, or the war on terrorism or even whether psychiatry is evil (thank you Tom Cruise). I want to talk about our (and celebrities) right to talk about these issues.

Chances are good that you are free to speak your mind on political and social issues at your workplace. If you know that your boss disagrees with you, maybe you don't speak as loudly as you would, but you don't keep silent about your opinion when asked. That's the beauty of living in a free society. No matter how unpopular an opinion is, we are allowed to have it, and shouldn't be discouraged from sharing it with others (just as long as we don't shove it down their throats). Why would this freedom of expression go away if we become famous?

That's what we're saying when we suggest that actors/singers/athletes should just "shut up and sing." We, as a society, have placed a great importance on athletic ability, and fame. We spend millions of dollars on magazines, television programs, and websites that track celebrities' every movement. We support (even demand) that paparazzi follow them shoving a microphone and a camera in their face at every opportunity. How can we be mad when they say something other than what designer they are wearing?

This is not to say that all celebrities have valid points or even know anything at all about the issues they discuss. There is obviously a difference between Tom Cruise decrying the evils of psychiatry and Bono (of U2) and Angelina Jolie discussing the plight of Africans. Some celebrities are smart, some have researched the problems they are discussing forming valid well-reasoned opinions on how to solve these problems. Others have not. Nobody's saying that the celebrities are right. But nobody says we are right when we are mouthing off around the water cooler either.

There are consequences of course to discussing your opinion, especially if it's unpopular. The Dixie Chicks found that out, when they said they were ashamed of the President. A President that was incredibly popular with their core audience. But if that's what they believed, don't you want to know? Let's say you were a Dixie Chick fan, and once they spoke out against the President and the war in Iraq, you want nothing more to do with them. Well aren't you glad you know how they feel now? Would you rather they kept their mouth shut, so that you continued to buy their albums, making them richer and supporting their political donations by proxy? Likewise, if you were a John Amaechi fan, and knowing that he is homosexual makes you detest him, aren't you glad you know?

I think Tim Hardaway showed ignorance and bigotry by making a statement like, "I hate gay people." But if that's how he feels, I'm glad he said it. It's nice to know what kind of person he is. We appreciate and expect honesty from our friends, we honor it (sometimes undeservedly) in politicians, why shouldn't we applaud it in our celebrities? Here's the dirty little secret, we do applaud it when we agree with them.

Bono has become a respected man in circles that have no idea about his music. That's because anyone with any compassion feels for the poor worldwide and especially those that are suffering an AIDS epidemic in Africa. We like the cause that he's speaking about, so we don't mind when he talks. When Bruce Willis made such a public display of supporting President Bush and the invasion of Iraq (especially in my area of the country) he became a favorite movie star again. When Toby Keith told Osama Bin Laden (musically) that we were gonna shove a "boot in your ass," country fans cheered (most of them anyway). These people were applauded, because they made popular statements. Nobody (or not many people anyway) told them to "shut up and sing."

I loved "The West Wing." Aaron Sorkin's creation remains one of the best television series ever, in my opinion. Even after Sorkin left and the show was a shell of its former self, it was still better than 80% of the crap on TV. That was largely because of Martin Sheen. Martin is one of the most outspoken (and active) liberals in Hollywood, particularly where the current administration and its War on Terror is concerned. I disagree almost completely with Sheen's opinions on these issues. But I applaud him for speaking his mind. The fact that I think he is wrong doesn't affect my opinion of him as an actor at all. I'd love to debate the issue with him, because I appreciate anyone who's passionate about important questions. What I don't understand is the idea that if he just kept quiet, we could still like him as an actor. If I kept quiet about my beliefs (religious, social, political, etc.) then I would be hiding a part of myself. Those that came to know me, wouldn't know me at all. They would know (and like or dislike) the public front I put on. Who wins in that situation?

I'm glad that I know that the Dixie Chicks dislike President Bush. I'm glad that I know that Tim Hardaway dislikes homosexuals. I'm glad that I know that Martin Sheen feels we are making a grave mistake with our current occupation of Iraq. I'm glad that I know that Sean Penn pays little attention to what's actually going on, but likes to be there with a camera when something happens. I'm glad that I know Tom Cruise is beyond insane and is spending his millions ridding his body of intergalactic evil spirits. I'm glad you know that I want my voice to be heard, and that I don't mind listening to others.

Behind the Bustier: The True Story of Anna Nicole Smith

Today, America has lost a paragon of class. One of our most talented actor/dancer/producer/marryer has died today. I'm speaking of course of Anna Nicole Smith Marshall (enter new last name here). The little stripper that could rose from obscurity to fabulous wealth, and then used that wealth to eradicate all doubt that she had any sense or style whatsoever.

Some may know her from her more mature titles produced by Hugh Hefner and Playboy Enterprises. Others may know her from her inexcusably popular television program on E! Entertainment Television. Others may know her simply as that fat blond chick that did the commercials for the weight loss pills. Many children know her as the demon that haunts their dreams. The undeniable fact is that Anna Nicole made an impression on us, and at her size, how could she not?

In an odd twist of fate (eerily reminiscent of James Brown's death) this intrepid reporter had recently sat down for an exclusive interview with Anna Nicole. In mammary...excuse me in memory of her, we present that interview below.

Drunken Rogue: Hello, Anna. Thanks for joining us today.

Anna Nicole: No problem. I didn't have nothin' to do between my fried chicken dinner and eating half a bottle of Trimspa, so it's no trouble.

DR: Umm, I don't think you're supposed to gorge and then take those pills, Anna. And I'm positive you're not supposed to take so many of them.

AN: Naw, it's okay. That's how I keep my figure.

At this point Anna began rubbing her gargantuan belly in a a suggestive fashion. It might have been uncomfortable for me, but her hand left little grease trails on her blouse. That just made it nasty.

DR: Anna, let's talk about your late husband.

AN: He's not late. I didn't even know you wanted him here for the interview.

DR: No, Anna. I mean your dead husband.

AN: Oh, him. He was always late. It's probably 'cause he was in that wheelchair, you know. Sorta made it hard for him to get around fast. Also, there's the fact that he was old. He was like 100 or something.

DR: How did you two meet?

AN: Well, I was a member of his Bridge club, and we just loved to play cards and tell jokes.

DR: Really?

AN: Naw, I'm just pulling your leg. He was a crusty old pervert that liked to come watch me shake my moneymaker.

DR: Did he love you?

AN: I don't know. I'd like to think so. I know he loved soup. But then, I'm not really that much like soup.

DR: You are thick.

AN: What?

DR: Nothing. How did it make you feel after his death when his family tried to cut you out of his estate?

AN: Well, I never fit in in that family. They were all interested in the stock market and oil futures, and I liked pink pillows and peek-a-boo tops. There was no way they were ever going to let me get my hands on his money. That's why I pursued them.

DR: Pursued them?

AN: Yeah, took 'em to court.

DR: Oh, you mean "sued" them. Yes, of course. Anna after your husband's death you actually increased your fame with a very popular and completely idiotic television show. How did that get started?

AN: COMPLETELY idiotic? Wow, that means a lot coming from someone like you, thanks. Well, I had cameras installed in my apartment ever since J. Marshall died. I was dating a lot of old geezers at the time, and if one of them kicked it while we were...well, playing patty-cake...then I wanted proof that I hadn't killed 'em.

DR: Pretty smart.

AN: Yeah, people think I'm stupid. Well, I'm stupid like a fox.

DR: I don't think that's the expression.

AN: So one day when I was leaving the house I noticed there were like fifteen people huddled in the security guard booth, all of them just laughing their heads off...well, not literally, but they were laughing a lot. Turns out they were watching the security camera video from the night before. I was watching an episode of Jeopardy, and yellin' answers at the screen. I don't what they thought was so funny, but I immediately realized that this was what my fans needed. They needed to see me in my elements.

DR: Surrounded by pervy old men?

AN: What?

DR: Nothing. So that's where you got the idea for the show, huh?

AN: Actually in the beginning I wanted to a whole network, like that movie "The Jim Carrey Show."

DR: You mean "The Truman Show"?

AN: No, it was Jim Carrey in that movie. I don't even know any actors named Truman.

DR: Anna, I'm afraid our time is just about up. Is there a parting thought you'd like to leave my readers with?

AN: Yeah, the next time you take your clothes out of the dryer, remember to clean out that little hole in the front that fills up with fuzzy stuff. I don't know where it comes from, but if you leave it in there long enough it'll catch on fire.

DR: I don't think I could have summed it up any better myself, Anna. Thanks for your time.

AN: Hey, on your way out will you bring me a piece of pizza out of the fridge? Oooh, and my toenail polish. It's on the counter.

There, ladies and gentlemen, some of the last final public words from one of America's national treasures. Anna Nicole, you will be missed.

The Roguies: The Drunken Rogue Awards

Welcome, one and all, to the first annual Roguies. 'Tis the time of year for honoring those that don't deserve it, and I wanted in on all the fun. While the Oscars limit themselves to films, the Emmy's only award television programs, and the Grammy's only award (what passes these days for) music, The Roguies can be awarded to just about anyone (or anything for that matter). Because the categories are so broad, the Roguie is considered by many (just me really) to be the highest award achievable by mankind (the previous sentence is the definition of hyperbole). Without further ado, here are the nominees for our first award.

"Outstanding Achievement in Jerkitude/Jerk of the Year":

Joel's Former Boss in "My Big Fat Mean Boss"
Vice President Dick Cheney in "To Mistake My Buddy for a Mockingbird"
Deposed Dictator Saddam Hussein in "Hang 'Em High"
Steve Jobs in "No Price too High"

A lot of people were surprised with Osama Bin Laden falling off this years nominee list, but he hasn't made any threatening public statements in a while, and Joel's former Boss really made an impression on this year's voters. Let's see who takes this one home.

The "Jerk of the Year" Award goes to... Steve Jobs. Accepting now, Steve Jobs. "I just have to say, that being in such company really means a lot to me. You look at that panel of nominees and we're talking about some of the biggest jerks of all-time, so I knew I was the underdog going in. How did I get here? Well, the important part was that I started by making a device that everybody really, really wanted. Then I just charged a completely exorbitant price for it. I had a lot of help. My competitors could have come out with similar devices at more reasonable prices, but they just rolled over, which is why I'm standing here tonight. Thank you, and look forward to the next big announcement from Apple, the iToilet!

"Best Supporting Wife"

Bill Clinton in "Ex-Presidents Don't Cry"
Katie Holmes-Cruise in "Mmmhmmhmhm mm Hmmhmh: (Scientology is Stupid **Translated through her gag**)
Posh Spice in "Other People's Money"
Mrs. Rogue in "Stand By Your Blogger"

And the award goes to...this is a shocker! Mrs. Rogue. Accepting on her behalf is the Drunken Rogue. "My wife would have been here, but she neither acknowledges the Roguies as real awards nor humors me. She works very hard putting up with not only my eccentricities at home, but my ego-centric ramblings online. Thank you for this award, and don't forget to check out those ego-centric ramblings at either DrunkenRogue.blogspot.com or MySpace!"

"Best Talentless Celebrity":

Paris Hilton in "Airhead"
Pauly Shore in "The Kato Kaelin Story"
Paula Adbul in "Fear and Judging in Hollywood"
Britney Spears in "What's Brains Got to Do With It"

And the Award for "Best Talentless Celebrity" goes to...Britney Spears. Accepting is Britney's spiritual adviser, Lindsey Lohan. "Uhmm, Britney wanted to be here for herself, but she is aboriginally busy right now being a mother and finding her next deadbeat ex-husband. Tonight as she hits all the hot spots and the bestest clubs, I'm sure she is condomplating all of you, and honorarying your acknonneration of her by not wearing underwear. Britney is like my ible and you couldn't have found a more deserving, less talented celebrity. Thanks you."

"Best Picture Likely to Get Shafted by the Academy Awards Despite Millions of People Nationwide Recognizing it's Greatness" goes to...

"The Departed" from Martin Scorcese. Accepting for "The Departed" is Martin Scorcese. "Wow, you know you work hard on a film that you care about, hoping, praying that it'll be acknowledged, and then you get an award like this that makes you realize that's just never going to happen. I have so many people to thank, but let me just start with Mel Gibson. Mel, if it weren't for your tremendous film "The Passion of the Christ" and it's complete snubbing, this category might not even exist. So, thank you for taking your lumps so I can stand here today. I'd also like to thank my agent, for continually getting my hopes up only to allow me to spiral into depression year after year, I don't know what I'd do without you. And to my wonderful cast, the good news is the Academy only hates me, so you might actually win something."

The "Lifetime Achievement Award for Usefullness" goes to...Joel's Remote Control Finger. Accepting for Mr. Finger is Joel. "I can't begin to tell you all what this means to Finger. For his peers to acknowledge the hard work that he's put in over the years, like this...Well, it's touching. I know he would have loved to have been here tonight, but he's in training in preparation for February Sweeps. Thank you, and may all of us work as hard, and love our job as much as My Remote Control Finger!"

"Fictional Character Joel Would Most Likely Trade His Real Friends For" the nominees are:

Hiro from "Heroes"
Alan Shore from "Boston Legal"
Al Swearingen from "Deadwood"
Jack Bauer from "24"

And the award goes to...Oh my! Mr. Swearingen has accosted Alan Shore. He's screaming obscenities at him for "messing with his girl". Now Agent Bauer is getting involved...He...Oh my God! He's got a gun, he's shot Al, and is turning the gun on Mr. Shore. He's shot him, but wait! There were two shots, Bauer is falling too. Denny Crane has killed Jack Bauer! Where the heck is Hiro? Oh...he's teleported to the podium and is accepting the award. "I want fank you for this awaad. Though a Hero needs no wecognition, I glad to get this awaad. Now, I must get to mission. Goodbye Captain Kirk!"

Ladies and gentlemen, there we are another exciting and action-packed Roguie's Award Ceremony. Join us again next year for more of the best Joel has to offer.

The Godfather is Dead, Long Live the Godfather

Yes, we had scheduled some reposts celebrating the "Best of 2006" for this post-holiday pre-holiday week. But fate has intervened. The Godfather of Soul, James Brown passed away Christmas morning of heart failure. An iconic musician and artist who is responsible for the birth (or at least the popularity) of Soul, R&B, Funk, and to an extent Rap and Hip Hop, James Brown left a legacy that will be remembered for centuries to come.

It was my good fortune only weeks before his death to interview the Godfather of Soul. As a tribute to his memory, and as one last Christmas present for my readers, the Drunken Rogue presents

James Brown: The Interview

The Drunken Rogue: Good morning, James. Thank you so much for joining me. You're one of my personal musical heroes, and this is, for me, the opportunity of a lifetime. How are you doing?

James Brown: Yeah! Believe I'll scream! Can I scream, brother?

DR: Ummm. I'm not sure what you mean.

JB: Gotta scream! Good God, gotta scream, now! I gotta scream, now! I gotta scream, now! I gotta scream, now!

DR: Alright, well let it out James!

JB: (screaming) Good God, ain't it funky now?

DR: Yes, I suppose it is. Now James, you've had one of the most successful careers in music history but recently have fallen on hard times.

JB: Mercy on me. C'mon now, Brother, put it, put it where it's at now! Aww! Let him have it.

DR: Let who have it, James?

JB: Uh! Awww!

DR: (Awkward silence) So, the trouble seems to have really started with your run-ins with the IRS for back-taxes.

JB: You better watch the man. You know, I believe I'll get down right about here.

James leaves his chair and immediately breaks out into a dance number complete with backup singers, Bootsy Collins on guitar and a star-spangled cape. I have no idea where he was hiding Bootsy and the backup singers. The cape came from under his jacket.

DR: (Once the particularly rousing version of "The Payback" is over) James, do you think we could get back to the interview?

JB: Yeah, all right. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Coming from some funny places. What you say, bruh?

DR: I didn't say anything, James.

JB: Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud!

DR: I'm not black, James...I'm proud. I'm proud you're black, should I say that?

JB: We demand a chance to do things for ourserlf!

DR: Alright, you can say it!

JB: Hit me band, one more again!

Bootsy and the singers leap out of their hiding places again, but I shut it down before they can "get on the scene."

DR: James, maybe now is a bad time. Maybe we should reschedule. Is there anything you'd like to tell our listeners before we go?

JB: I want to say, this is better than cushions.

DR: I don't think I could have summed that up better myself, James. Thank you for your time.

**Lawyer's Note** While the Drunken Rogue may find it humorous to poke fun at recently deceased musical legends, we disagree heartily. We at Catchem, Hookem and Skinem would like to point out that the "interview" presented in this blog is nothing more than a (somewhat) skillful pairing of Mr. James Brown's lyrics with questions to make them look silly. We had nothing to do with this, and would like to impart on a personal note (and for the record) that we at the Firm of Catchem, Hookem, and Skinem have been longtime fans of Mr. Brown's. Shame on you, Mr. Drunken Rogue. Shame. **End of Lawyer's Note**

All kidding aside, I'm a huge James Brown fan. While his personal life was one of the biggest messes imaginable, as an influence and artist he is unparalleled. He will be missed. Now, get up with the get down and get on the badfoot.