Is It Too Late For Me to Be a Heavyset Black Woman?

Did I miss my chance? I know that there have been amazing advances in plastic surgery (just look at Michael Jackson...or Tara Reid's stomach), but this may be asking too much. I'm interested in exploring my options though.

What brought on this newfound interest in sexual and racial reassignment surgery? I found out that white people (particularly men) have no business even standing anywhere near a good black female singer. Don't believe me? Just ask the contestants on "American Idol."

Lakisha Jones is a name you don't know (unless you were watching last night), but you will very, very soon. She just not only became the front-runner, but with a 90 second performance last night, made Jennifer Hudson and her show-stopping performance in "Dreamgirls" look a little dusty. Jennifer was preparing for her moment of glory in "Dreamgirls" for literally months before filming. Before being cast she had been a struggling professional singer for a couple of years. In the song, "I am Telling You," Jennifer's character gets about five minutes to build up to the "money part". Last night, Lakisha Jones just cut straight to the point. Coming on to the stage cold, with a band she's sang with only for the last week or so, in front of about 30 million people, this former bank teller and young mother introduced herself to America with authority, and in the process had me feeling a little envious.

I like to sing (though some of my co-workers would sometimes rather I didn't). But I may as well give up anything stronger than humming and tapping my toe. What I do does not qualify as the same thing Lakisha does. We'll just call it rhythmic melodic chanting. That sounds like something white people would be good at.

So, while last year's attempt to become a professional basketball player didn't work (I'm still barely 5'9" and over 210lbs), I've got high hopes for my new career path as a heavyset black female singer. Aretha here I come!