Sanjaya is Not Just Bad, He May Be Evil

All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing. -- Edmund Burke

Edmund Burke wouldn't vote for Sanjaya and neither should you.



This, my friends, is the face of evil. Look how he squints into your very soul, waiting for his opportunity to steal it away from you. Be ever vigilante, for he is prowling to and fro, seeking whom he may make cry!





Sure, Mephistopheles (pictured at the right for your convenience) is a little pastier than Senor Malakar, but he's got the facial hair down pat. Look, Meph is even strumming the guitar for "Besame Mucho" and copying Sanjaya's totally inappropriate smile. Methinks, Sanjaya has signed some eternal contracts!




It's bad enough that Sanjaya has taken over all of the world's media compromising roughly 95% of the stories on most websites and news programs (some do make time to sandwich in a little coverage of the Iraq war between Sanjaya hairdo updates and personal interest stories), but now "American Idol" has also given over to Sanjaya fever. Let me explain something to you, Nigel Lythgoe, Sanjaya is only as popular as you allow him to be. I'm not implying that the producers skew the results or banish Sanjaya solely for his possible evilness. I'm just saying that there are subtle ways they could change the way he is presented on television that could very quickly dry up his support.

The first thing we have to do to defeat the Sanjaya army is decide exactly where his support originates. It is my opinion, that there are three distinct groups.

1. Vote for the Worst -- This is by far the greatest weapon that Sanjaya currently has in his arsenal. Started during Season Three and recently cast into the limelight by Howard Stern (the evidence for evil is mounting isn't it?), this site picks a candidate that is the "worst" generally a poor singer with some sort of "trainwreck" watchable quality and pushes for all like-minded individuals to vote for them, pushing them much further than they should go in the competition.

2. Actual fans -- I know it's hard to believe, but some people do actually like him. I keep hearing things like, "He's such a nice young man." and "He gives back to his community." Well, I say this: Hitler had pretty good manners too. Those of you that are still fooled by Sanjaya's "nice guy" attitude, check out the way he abuses these sour patch kids:



3. The Indian Conspiracy -- When's the last time you put in a service call to Dell Computers? How about Microsoft? Or maybe the New AT&T (who coincidentally is a HUGE sponsor of "American Idol")? What nationality was the person on the other end of the phone? Chances are good they were not American, and English was not their first language. India has an ever growing middle-class bolstered by the move of thousands of service jobs (re: telemarketers and service call representatives) from the US to India. Perhaps they see in Sanjaya a way to exert their newfound power and show that an Indian can achieve the American dream! (okay probably not, but it's always best to cover all the possibilities)

Now group 3 may not even exist, and group 2 has got to be pretty small (According to experts only four percent of the population is afflicted with congenital amusia or tone deafness), but group 1 could carry Sanjaya a long way in the competition. Let's look at this weeks votes:

There were roughly 35 million votes cast this week with eight finalists left. If evenly divided, each contestant would have received about 4.3 million. We all know that there is no way that Hailey or Phil got 4 million votes, and chances are good that Melinda, Lakisha, Blake, and Jordan all got significantly more than that. So, let's say that at this point in the competition it would take that average, 4 million plus, to keep you out of the bottom three, and therefore safe. Sirius Satellite radio (the company that currently broadcasts Howard Stern's show) has roughly 10 million subscribers. Best estimates from third parties say that somewhere in the neighborhood of 58% of Sirius subscribers listen to Stern sometime during the week. For arguments sake, let's say there are 4 million (at least somewhat regular) listeners. How many of these call in and vote for Sanjaya based on Stern's urgings? Well, they have to be fairly interested in what he has to say since to listen to him now costs them $12 a month, so let's say that half of them follow his suggestion. That's an extra two million votes every week for Sanjaya (that's if they just vote once). We still have to take into account the votes from Sanjaya's "real" fans (God bless them and their poor broken ears), as well as the vote rigging from New Delhi.

Okay, I've just done the math, and I think Sanjaya may in fact win the Democratic nomination for President. What's that? He's not old enough to serve? No worries, Speaker Pelosi is, even as we speak, drafting an amendment to change the age limit to allow everyone's favorite hula dancer to serve as our next Commander in Chief.

We can't let it get that far.

I know that it's difficult to remember to watch the show and call in those votes (especially when there are only three or four really good contestants), but we, the good-intentioned, non-hearing impaired masses must stand for what is right. The problem is to get him off the show we must literally vote for EVERY ONE else. So, keep those dialing fingers limber and remember the words of Edmond Burke:

When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.

I don't think he was SPECIFICALLY talking about Votefortheworst.com and Howard Stern, but you never know, that Edmund Burke was a dude full of forethought.

From the Depths of My Soul, a Call for Reason...

Alright. That's enough. It's gone too far now.

It's time for Sanjaya to stop singing on my TV. I don't want to hear his rendition of "Walking after Midnight" during Country week, or listen to him warble through "Hound Dog" on Elvis Night. I don't even want to see him butcher Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain." That's right ladies and gentlemen, the lip-syncers are even too good for Sanjaya Malakar.

The good news is, after tonight's (well, I hesitate to call it a performance. Let's just say tonight's) hairstyle showing he just won himself a role in Mel Gibson's production of Apocalypto II: Electric Boogaloo (that's right, I made a Mel Gibson/Native American/Breakdancing 80's movie joke all at the same time). Seriously, tell me you couldn't see him, smiling that like, holding a still beating heart on top of an ancient Aztec Temple.

Up until this week I had only a mild distaste for young Sanjaya. I thought he was horrible, but harmless. But this week he not only ruins the cool-factor of mohawks for probably the next ten years, but also butchers a great No Doubt song. "Bathwater" is one of their coolest (and less appreciated) songs. Now, it's that thing that Sanjaya did last night on "Idol." Thanks, dude. That's another CD I've gotta break.

Mrs. Rogue has a particular love for "Bathwater" (or as we'll now forever know Sanjaya's version, "Lukewarm Bathwater"). She begged me to fast-forward (thank you Tivo!), but I couldn't. I just knew at any moment Gwen Stefani would bum-rush the stage and do us all a favor by beating him senseless with the microphone. Two and a half minutes later, Sanjaya's still warbling. You let us down Gwenny, and I'm not gonna forget that!

Look how surprised Gwen is while hearing Sanjaya sing. Aren't you sorry you didn't beat him, Gwen?

Ladies and gentlemen of the "American Idol" voting public, I come before you a humbled man. I don't claim to understand your criteria for judging. The idea that you could allow Antonella Barba to survive as long as you did in the competition astounds me. That Bucky Covington now has an album thanks to you, shows that you are indeed king-makers (or at least mediocre, over produced country singer-makers). I know Sanjaya's hair is bouncy, I know that Simon says mean things to him (and we all hate the British!), I know that Howard Stern and Votefortheworst.com are telling you that you can make a difference. But put all that aside. Turn on your DVR tonight and re-watch the show. Or maybe cruise over to YouTube and look for one of Sanjaya's older performances. When he comes on stage, I know you'll be tempted to bob your head along with the melody he's abusing or the rhythym he's ignoring, but don't. Don't watch those lovely curls (or dangerously high mohawk) bounce around. Nope, close your eyes and listen. Hear Sanjaya sacrifice the songs of your youth (or your parents youth if you're one of his beloved twelve year old crying fans). Bathe in the mediocrity that is Sanjaya. And then, let him go. Like William Hung and Antonella before him, let him slide into the annals of pop culture as "that kid that couldn't sing on 'American Idol'". Only then can our long national nightmare be over.

And now for your viewing and listening pleasure, the Drunken Rogue brings you:

Sanjaya Anthem

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Is It Too Late For Me to Be a Heavyset Black Woman?

Did I miss my chance? I know that there have been amazing advances in plastic surgery (just look at Michael Jackson...or Tara Reid's stomach), but this may be asking too much. I'm interested in exploring my options though.

What brought on this newfound interest in sexual and racial reassignment surgery? I found out that white people (particularly men) have no business even standing anywhere near a good black female singer. Don't believe me? Just ask the contestants on "American Idol."

Lakisha Jones is a name you don't know (unless you were watching last night), but you will very, very soon. She just not only became the front-runner, but with a 90 second performance last night, made Jennifer Hudson and her show-stopping performance in "Dreamgirls" look a little dusty. Jennifer was preparing for her moment of glory in "Dreamgirls" for literally months before filming. Before being cast she had been a struggling professional singer for a couple of years. In the song, "I am Telling You," Jennifer's character gets about five minutes to build up to the "money part". Last night, Lakisha Jones just cut straight to the point. Coming on to the stage cold, with a band she's sang with only for the last week or so, in front of about 30 million people, this former bank teller and young mother introduced herself to America with authority, and in the process had me feeling a little envious.

I like to sing (though some of my co-workers would sometimes rather I didn't). But I may as well give up anything stronger than humming and tapping my toe. What I do does not qualify as the same thing Lakisha does. We'll just call it rhythmic melodic chanting. That sounds like something white people would be good at.

So, while last year's attempt to become a professional basketball player didn't work (I'm still barely 5'9" and over 210lbs), I've got high hopes for my new career path as a heavyset black female singer. Aretha here I come!