Beware the Ides of Pinch...I Mean March: Why are the Irish So Darn Mean?

Firstly, let me say that the Irish are not a mean people (as long as you aren't a werewolf or snake, then they'll cast your butt into the sea). They are a welcoming, fun-loving, light-hearted people. Not that they don't have enough hardship in their history to deserve a little meanness. But it's just not there.

It's been requested, I've promised it, and now finally here today I reveal the secret hidden origin behind the "pinching" that goes on in schoolyards and playgrounds worldwide on St. Patrick's Day. It's a sordid practice, blemishing the sanctity of an otherwise spirit-filled (see, I made a liquor joke there) holiday. The cruelty of torturing those that don't celebrate, or have just plain forgotten, St. Patrick's Day goes against the spirit of the entire day...although, now that I think about it, St. Patrick is honored for driving the pagans (ie. non-believers) from Ireland. On second thought, maybe this pinching thing is central to the celebration of Paddy's Day. We'll explore my existential dilemma later. For now...

The Ides of Pinch

"Beware the Ides of March!" Sure, you read that in high school during the one semester worth of instruction on Shakespeare that you were forced to endure and have spent the years since trying to expunge from your brain, but do you have the slightest what the "Ides of March" is? Most of you probably do, but for the couple who have forgotten Senior English, let's review. In the Roman calendar (ironically replaced by the Julian calendar shortly before Julius Caesar's death) the middle of the month was referred to as the "ides." It is commonly thought that the "Ides of March" the day Caesar was assassinated was in fact March 15. This is false.

During my extensive research for this St. Patrick's Day series, I have uncovered new and shocking information that in the ancient Roman calendar the month of March actually had 34 days. It's hard to believe, I know, and it seems like it would be impossible to balance at the end of the year, but those Romans were just that crazy. Since March was extended so, the "ides of March" would actually fall on (surprise, surprise) March 17th, or St. Patrick's Day.

What does this have to do with the custom of pinching? To understand the origin of this practice we first have to look at another Irish Saint. Saint Ides, known as the Brigid of Munster (which translates to the Bright or exalted one of Munster). St. Ides was a sixth century Irish Nun credited with the gift of prophecy as well as numerous miracles. She was venerated by the Catholic Church and further honored by the Pabst Brewing Company with the production of a fantastic (and thrifty) malt liquor bearing her name.

St. Ides was a bit of a stickler for upholding and following Church doctrine. You might compare her to the modern Cardinal Ratzinger (who has since become Pope) who was known as Pope John Paul II's bulldog. He kept folks in line, as St. Ides did in her day (how interesting that the drink named in her honor actually makes people fall OUT of the lines). She was particularly fond of St. Patrick and his place of honor in Irish society. On the day of his feast (the aforementioned TRUE Ides of March), children that were not respectful of the Church's celebration of Ireland's patron saint, would be disciplined by a sharp pinch to the neck. The word quickly spread amongst the Irish children that you had to watch yourself around St. Ides, on that day especially. "Beware the Ides of March," they'd say to the young ones, "she'll pinch you but good."

Saying quickly grew in popularity even among adults (who were significantly less in danger of getting a pinch at church), and with the travel of the Irish sailors among the British Isles, became a slang term for impending doom even among the British. It was THIS story that Shakespeare was referencing when he wrote that famous scene in "Julius Caesar." Though he did eventually re-write his original scene of the Senators pinching Caesar to death, he kept the warning. That line was a particularly beloved joke among the British commoners.

So, though the original saying has been confused, and the reasoning for the pinching now has lost it's connection to St. Ides, we (or at least the meanies among us) continue St. Ides' enforced participation in the celebration of St. Patrick even to this day.

Truthfully, most of this story is false (it wasn't obvious at all was it?). St. Ides was a sixth century Irish nun, the tasty malt liquor, St. Ides, is in fact named for her, and the "Ides of March" did mean "the middle of March." Other than that, it's mostly BS. The sad truth is, I spent most of a week trying to find out why we pinch each other when we don't wear green, and I found absolutely no explanation whatsoever. I do know that the practice is much more common here than in Ireland (see, I told you the Irish weren't mean), but other than that, I got nothing! So, until I find a better reason, I'm gonna say it has to do with the death of an Emperor, a sixth century and a cheap malt liquor. I dare you not to wear green on Saturday.

Party List the Fourth: The Necessities for a Kickin' St. Paddy's Day

4. The Day off. -- While some may tell you that few hours in the evening should be plenty for a proper St. Patrick's Day celebration, it's just not true. The proper St. Paddy's Day begins in the wee hours of the morning, and ends in the wee hours of the NEXT morning. I had a full day planned with two separate film screenings (the recent Oscar winner, "The Departed" followed by the John Wayne classic, "The Quiet Man"), separated with drink intermissions full of dancing to gay Irish tunes (gay here meaning happy and light, the Irish are all man, baby). The day was to wind down into a full on party as friends gathered for an evening full of toasts and blessings (all over proper Irish drinks, whiskey and beer). There had even been discussion of an excursion to Shreveport (or ShreveVegas as absolutely no one calls it, but someone should) to hear live music at "Flanagan's" a proper Irish name for a bar if ever there was one.

But alas, some of the above celebration is not to be. I've got to work Saturday night (I've tried pleading Religious holiday observance, but they keep reminding me I'm not Catholic. Party poopers). From 6-9pm I may be locked down, but rest assured that the Drunken Rogue won't let a little thing like work get in the way of a good time. I'm still going to watch my two favorite Irish films (I'm even throwing in a third, with "Miller's Crossing"), then after the remote broadcast, I'm catching a ride to "Flanagan's" to celebrate St. Paddy's Day in style. You can take the Irish out of the party, but you can't take the party out of the Irish!