Beware the Ides of Pinch...I Mean March: Why are the Irish So Darn Mean?

Firstly, let me say that the Irish are not a mean people (as long as you aren't a werewolf or snake, then they'll cast your butt into the sea). They are a welcoming, fun-loving, light-hearted people. Not that they don't have enough hardship in their history to deserve a little meanness. But it's just not there.

It's been requested, I've promised it, and now finally here today I reveal the secret hidden origin behind the "pinching" that goes on in schoolyards and playgrounds worldwide on St. Patrick's Day. It's a sordid practice, blemishing the sanctity of an otherwise spirit-filled (see, I made a liquor joke there) holiday. The cruelty of torturing those that don't celebrate, or have just plain forgotten, St. Patrick's Day goes against the spirit of the entire day...although, now that I think about it, St. Patrick is honored for driving the pagans (ie. non-believers) from Ireland. On second thought, maybe this pinching thing is central to the celebration of Paddy's Day. We'll explore my existential dilemma later. For now...

The Ides of Pinch

"Beware the Ides of March!" Sure, you read that in high school during the one semester worth of instruction on Shakespeare that you were forced to endure and have spent the years since trying to expunge from your brain, but do you have the slightest what the "Ides of March" is? Most of you probably do, but for the couple who have forgotten Senior English, let's review. In the Roman calendar (ironically replaced by the Julian calendar shortly before Julius Caesar's death) the middle of the month was referred to as the "ides." It is commonly thought that the "Ides of March" the day Caesar was assassinated was in fact March 15. This is false.

During my extensive research for this St. Patrick's Day series, I have uncovered new and shocking information that in the ancient Roman calendar the month of March actually had 34 days. It's hard to believe, I know, and it seems like it would be impossible to balance at the end of the year, but those Romans were just that crazy. Since March was extended so, the "ides of March" would actually fall on (surprise, surprise) March 17th, or St. Patrick's Day.

What does this have to do with the custom of pinching? To understand the origin of this practice we first have to look at another Irish Saint. Saint Ides, known as the Brigid of Munster (which translates to the Bright or exalted one of Munster). St. Ides was a sixth century Irish Nun credited with the gift of prophecy as well as numerous miracles. She was venerated by the Catholic Church and further honored by the Pabst Brewing Company with the production of a fantastic (and thrifty) malt liquor bearing her name.

St. Ides was a bit of a stickler for upholding and following Church doctrine. You might compare her to the modern Cardinal Ratzinger (who has since become Pope) who was known as Pope John Paul II's bulldog. He kept folks in line, as St. Ides did in her day (how interesting that the drink named in her honor actually makes people fall OUT of the lines). She was particularly fond of St. Patrick and his place of honor in Irish society. On the day of his feast (the aforementioned TRUE Ides of March), children that were not respectful of the Church's celebration of Ireland's patron saint, would be disciplined by a sharp pinch to the neck. The word quickly spread amongst the Irish children that you had to watch yourself around St. Ides, on that day especially. "Beware the Ides of March," they'd say to the young ones, "she'll pinch you but good."

Saying quickly grew in popularity even among adults (who were significantly less in danger of getting a pinch at church), and with the travel of the Irish sailors among the British Isles, became a slang term for impending doom even among the British. It was THIS story that Shakespeare was referencing when he wrote that famous scene in "Julius Caesar." Though he did eventually re-write his original scene of the Senators pinching Caesar to death, he kept the warning. That line was a particularly beloved joke among the British commoners.

So, though the original saying has been confused, and the reasoning for the pinching now has lost it's connection to St. Ides, we (or at least the meanies among us) continue St. Ides' enforced participation in the celebration of St. Patrick even to this day.

Truthfully, most of this story is false (it wasn't obvious at all was it?). St. Ides was a sixth century Irish nun, the tasty malt liquor, St. Ides, is in fact named for her, and the "Ides of March" did mean "the middle of March." Other than that, it's mostly BS. The sad truth is, I spent most of a week trying to find out why we pinch each other when we don't wear green, and I found absolutely no explanation whatsoever. I do know that the practice is much more common here than in Ireland (see, I told you the Irish weren't mean), but other than that, I got nothing! So, until I find a better reason, I'm gonna say it has to do with the death of an Emperor, a sixth century and a cheap malt liquor. I dare you not to wear green on Saturday.

Party List the Fourth: The Necessities for a Kickin' St. Paddy's Day

4. The Day off. -- While some may tell you that few hours in the evening should be plenty for a proper St. Patrick's Day celebration, it's just not true. The proper St. Paddy's Day begins in the wee hours of the morning, and ends in the wee hours of the NEXT morning. I had a full day planned with two separate film screenings (the recent Oscar winner, "The Departed" followed by the John Wayne classic, "The Quiet Man"), separated with drink intermissions full of dancing to gay Irish tunes (gay here meaning happy and light, the Irish are all man, baby). The day was to wind down into a full on party as friends gathered for an evening full of toasts and blessings (all over proper Irish drinks, whiskey and beer). There had even been discussion of an excursion to Shreveport (or ShreveVegas as absolutely no one calls it, but someone should) to hear live music at "Flanagan's" a proper Irish name for a bar if ever there was one.

But alas, some of the above celebration is not to be. I've got to work Saturday night (I've tried pleading Religious holiday observance, but they keep reminding me I'm not Catholic. Party poopers). From 6-9pm I may be locked down, but rest assured that the Drunken Rogue won't let a little thing like work get in the way of a good time. I'm still going to watch my two favorite Irish films (I'm even throwing in a third, with "Miller's Crossing"), then after the remote broadcast, I'm catching a ride to "Flanagan's" to celebrate St. Paddy's Day in style. You can take the Irish out of the party, but you can't take the party out of the Irish!

Erin Go Bragh: A Saying that Has Nothing to Do With Undergarments...or Girls Named Erin

Ah, a long weekend lays behind us. One in which I did not maintain my commitment to write about St. Patrick's Day daily until the next Saturday. So sue me. I got busy (I do have a job, as hard as it is to imagine). But I'm back with more Irish pride and useless (and probably false facts to share with my Yankee friends (here Yankee means American, not northerner).

Erin Go Bragh is a phrase that you've probably heard a thousand times. Alright, maybe not a thousand, but three or four at least. But did you know (I sure didn't) that it doesn't have anything to do with Erin and her underwear? Nope, it's actually an Americanized version of a Gaelic (that's Irish speak) phrase that means...well about fourteen different things depending on who you ask. Mostly people say it means "Ireland Forever." But then they argue about what THAT means. Some say it means "Ireland will last forever", others say "I'm faithful to Ireland forever." Then there's the group that says English is too narrow to capture the real meaning of the phrase, suggesting it's actually close to, "Ireland until Judgement day" or even "Ireland the Brave." The point is there are lots of different interpretations, and none of them have anything to do with Victoria and her secret.

It's a cool phrase you have to admit. It sounds good rolling off the tongue, it looks good in a stylized font on a flag, or a tattoo. And mostly it makes you sound smart, which we know is a motivating factor for most things that people do. So, when you're three hours deep in your St. Patrick's Day celebration and you're ready to make a move on the cute redhead in the corner, hit her up with a little "Erin Go Bragh!" and she'll think you actually have a clue what you're talking about. Won't she be surprised on your second date?

Party List the Third: Necessities for a successful St. Patrick's Day

3. Traditional Irish Food. -- I knew we'd get there eventually and I've put a lot of research into this looking for the perfect dishes to recommend. Color me surprised when I found out that the perfect entree for your St. Patrick's Day party is an American favorite as well. That's right ladies and gentlemen, the Irish have been enjoying Buffalo Wings for centuries, and this Saturday you should too! For alternatives to Buffalo Wings (something for the ladies) try a fresh slice of Domino's Pizza (Domino's comes from the Gaelic, Dominagh). As an added bonus you can now order your Buffalo Wings from Domino's and save time and money, while honoring your Irish heritage. It truly is a wonderful world we live in.

Coming soon -- Does Aquamarine Count as Green?: How Not to Get Pinched, and Why the Hell They're Doing It in the First Place

Luck of the Pale: The Double Edged Sword of Being Irish

The Irish are pale, there's no two ways about it. Even those of us with dark hair and eyes (we're called Black Irish 'cause we've got rhythm) still burn pretty easily unless our bloodline has been mixed over the years with other (more tannable) peoples. Sucks to be us right? Not so much. Think about it, if you are genetically pre-disposed to sunburn doesn't that give you a built in excuse to sit in the shade while your compadres toil in the sun? Isn't a great excuse when the wife says you need to take the dog for a walk but you'd rather play another ten minutes of that new video game? I might have given myself away on that one a little bit.

The Original Irish Brawlers

Last night, Mrs. Rogue and I went to see a midnight showing of "300" the new film from Zach Snyder based on Frank Miller's graphic novel of the same name. It tells the story of King Leonidas and his Spartans as 300 of them stood against the mighty army of the Persian empire in defense of Sparta (and greater Greece). It's a well known historical story, and the film (while definitely taking liberties with history) is AWESOME! What you probably don't know (and the film fails to mention) is that Leonidas and his Spartan warriors were actually Irish. True story. Sure, the lived literally hundreds of years before the country (and people) we know as Ireland formulated. Sure, St. Patrick (and Christianity) didn't exist yet. But let's look at the facts. These Spartans were short (everybody was back then), they were known as brawlers (and good ones) and, as shown in the film, they enjoyed their wine and women thoroughly. Tough guys with hearts of gold that's the best way to describe the Spartans as presented in "300," and it's not a bad way to describe the Irish either. I've had no luck however finding any conclusive proof that the Battle of Thermopylae took place on St. Patrick's Day, but the Greeks did eventually drive the Persians into the sea (just like St. Pat drove the snakes into the sea, eerie).

Patty's Day Party List Part 2 (I love alliteration)

2. Booze -- Can you celebrate St. Patrick's day while staying stone cold sober? I don't even understand the previous question. It's like asking "Can I use the Internet if I want to avoid computers, electrical outlets and and wireless devices?" Umm, not in this Universe. Alright, maybe my position on this one is a little tough. I'll leave you some wiggle room, feel free to drink tea while you're at my St. Patty's Day party, but when I slap you on the back and say, "This is vun, I'm havering the bestesest time. Hav're yo doin'?" You better reply, "Terrivic!" followed by an unintelligible holler. We've got appearances to keep up here.

Everybody's Irish on St. Patrick's Day...Except for You...Not Even the Irish Will Claim You

Here we are, just ten short days away from the Irish New Year, Christmas, Thanksgiving and Independence Day all rolled into one. It's St. Patrick's Day, folks! Why are we focusing on this happiest of holidays so far in advance? Firstly, with a day of this magnitude you really need a countdown. Second, I didn't really even acknowledge it last year and so I owe you (and St. Pat) one. Thirdly, this is my blog, I'm Irish, and I say so.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let me fill you in on how this is going to work. Everyday for the next ten days I'll toss up a couple of St. Patrick Day treats here on the old blogstead (it's like a homestead, but for the Internet). Not only will I prepare you for the ultimate St. Patty's Day party with a list of requirements for a successful celebration, but I'll also school with you with some fun-filled, little known, not necessarily true facts about the origin and history of The Day Belonging to the Saint Known as Patrick (that's not really its official name, I just thought I'd make it sound a little more impressive...it worked didn't it?).

The Original Beer Swilling Irish Priest

St. Patrick's Day is of course the celebration and commemoration of the Savior of the Emerald Isle, St. Patrick. What did he save it from? Well, while the actual historical facts are lost as writing had not yet been invented (don't listen to that tomfoolery about the Egyptians and the Hieroglyphs, everybody knows that Shakespeare invented writing. Before that we all just hoped we didn't forget stuff) and legend tells us that it was a plague of snakes and werewolves that St. Patrick cast out of Ireland (did we really need to mention the snakes? I thinking ridding an entire country of a plague of werewolves would have been plenty to warrant getting a day named in your honor), it is a widely held belief (widely here meaning held by this author and this kid from my high school that I convinced) that it was the teetotalers that St. Patrick banished from Ireland. That my friends is something worth celebrating.

Patrick had seen in his travels around the countryside (all 14 acres of it) that Ireland was a country rife with conflict. Wives nagging their husbands for terrifying too long at the pub, mothers berating their sons for boozing and carousing instead of seeking gainful employment as a shepherd or...well, that's pretty much all there is to do in Ireland. Sure, he could have sided with the ladies striving for the "betterment" of their men, but Patrick knew that while you can take the Irish out of the booze, you can't take the booze out of the Irish. If there's one thing that the Irish (particularly our Priests) are good at, it's picking a winner. So Patrick with his walking stick and beer mug in hand drove the teetotalers into the sea. He was quickly canonized, and a day was set aside every year to honor his struggle against the forces of intolerance and sobriety.

The Ultimate St. Patrick's Day Party: A Drunken List

1. Irish Tunes -- While our temper and love of spirits may be our two defining features, its our ability to get our groove on that separates the Irish from countless other ethnic groups. To set the mood at your St. Patty's Day soiree (and by the way, you probably shouldn't call it a soiree) make sure you have plenty of proper Gaelic tunes on hand. I'll give you a few great examples, but in general if you can dance to it without moving your upper body (and thereby not spilling your drink) it's probably fine.

"Seven Drunken Nights" by the Dubliners -- The quintessential Irish Drinking song. It's funny, irreverent, and it's so dirty the last two nights have to be censored.

"I'm Shipping Up to Boston" by the Dropkick Murphy's -- This is that awesome Irish rock song from "The Departed". On second thought, pretty much anything from these guys will work. There name is "The Dropkick Murphy's," how could they not be awesome?

"13 Drinking Songs" by Naked and Shameless -- This is an entire album that you should add to your playlist. True it's not exactly Irish, but this is a band named Naked and Shameless with songs like "Drinking Song #6 I Need a Liver". There's a lot to love here.

"Whiskey You're the Divil" -- Nope, I didn't spell it wrong, it's just that I'm so Irish I slur my speech a little, see? Awesome song, good chorus (which means a sing-a-long) and just long enough to finish a drink but not need another one.

"Whiskey in the Jar" by Literally Anyone has ever played music -- It's a little known fact that when you form a band you are legally required to cover three songs. "Baby I Love Your Way" by Peter Frampton (for the ladies), "Stairway to Heaven" by Zeppelin (for the rocker in you) and "Whiskey in the Jar" (for everybody else). It has the aforementioned great chorus for singing along, it's an awesome story song about love, greed and betrayal, and the words in the chorus basically require you to take on an Irish accent. Rock.

Coming Tomorrow: Is that a Leprechaun or Are You Just Happy to See Me?