She's Breathing My Air: Ode to My Baby Sister

Being a kid is fun. You've got lots of free time on your hands (between coloring and not washing behind your ears), very few financial responsibilities (it pretty much boils down to not losing your milk money), and a built in enemy/accomplice in your siblings. This is particular true of younger brothers and sisters. My older brother and sister are more than ten years my senior (they're my half-siblings so, no, my Mom's not old. She'd kill me if I didn't point that out) so growing up, Jena and I were the only real "kids" in the house.

From time to time she served as an admirable officer in my war on adults. She was a good follower and even as a baby had an unnatural ability to scale tall objects (I remember her sitting on top of the refrigerator more than once). But more often than not, she served as the cold Russian winter to my Napoleonic ambitions. That's right, I just made a Napoleon joke. Who says I'm not brilliant? Well, Sister Rogue is turning 23 tomorrow (Wednesday) so I thought it might be appropriate to throw a few props (that's actor speak for heavy objects) her way.

Little Known Facts about Jena (Sister Rogue)

1. She houses and feeds an illegal alien -- No, I don't mean Pedro, her Guatemalan boy toy. I'm talking about the UFO-type aliens. She claims he is a "basset hound" but those that have met this interloper know the truth. He is an intergalactic bum, hellbent on spreading his outer space germs to unsuspecting guests visiting Jena's house. Fred (the Earth name she has given him) may look unassuming and gentle, but let down your guard for even a minute and his infectious mucous will cover you. Be ever vigilant!

2. Her tenure at Louisiana Tech has actually made me look like an accomplished student -- After spending all of five years attempting (and finally finishing) my undergraduate studies, I was sort of looked on as a slacker in the family. My mother had completed her BA in only three years (suck-up) and it was generally believed that I had just goofed off. Then along comes Sister Rogue. With five years already in the bag (including summer sessions, which I never attended) and at least another two quarters between her and graduation, Jena has made my path to graduation look almost fleet-footed. Thanks, Sis.

3. If I keep implying that she'll be my publicist when I get famous, I can talk her into doing stuff for me now-- "Jena, you know how when I hit it big I'm gonna put you on the payroll as my publicist? Well, right now the writer is not feeling so well and Ella's at work. Can you bring me something to eat?" or "Hey, Sis. I was just looking at the bank account and it seems like I'm a little short for the gas bill this month. Too bad I'm not a big famous writer yet, and you're working as my publicist making loads of money too! Could you loan me $50?" It's not that I abuse it, but it's nice to know that I've got her on a string.

4. She loves moving other people's furniture and belongings -- She wouldn't tell you this, but I know that it's true. Not once, but twice during the time we were both in college, Jena moved for both of us while I was working in Ohio. Sure, she complained about it at the time, but deep down I knew how much she liked relocating my junk. The sparkle in her eyes was enough to tell me how she really felt. So the next time you need to move, just get a hotel for the weekend about three states away. Then call Jena and tell her the keys to your new place and the old one are under her mat and the landlord wants you out before Sunday night. I'm sure she won't mind.

5. She's a true blond -- I may get disowned by her for telling this story, but journalistic integrity demanded it. One of Jena's best friends from high school has a reading disability. When it came time for them to get their Driver's Licenses, her friend passed with flying colors her first time. Jena asked about how hard it was and her friend replied, "It wasn't too bad. The sign test was a little confusing, but the written part was easy, since the tester read the questions to me."

This confused Jena, "They'll read the questions to you?" Before her friend could even confirm the DMV's allowance for her reading disability Jena continued, "Well, I guess they'd have to. You know, for the blind people."

Happy Birthday, Sis. I hope it's a great one. May you have as much fun in your 23rd year as you deserve (and only half as much as I did, not many humans can handle THAT much fun). From The Drunken Rogue to Sister Rogue, I love you...now watch out for those blind drivers!