Sanjaya is Not Just Bad, He May Be Evil

All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing. -- Edmund Burke

Edmund Burke wouldn't vote for Sanjaya and neither should you.



This, my friends, is the face of evil. Look how he squints into your very soul, waiting for his opportunity to steal it away from you. Be ever vigilante, for he is prowling to and fro, seeking whom he may make cry!





Sure, Mephistopheles (pictured at the right for your convenience) is a little pastier than Senor Malakar, but he's got the facial hair down pat. Look, Meph is even strumming the guitar for "Besame Mucho" and copying Sanjaya's totally inappropriate smile. Methinks, Sanjaya has signed some eternal contracts!




It's bad enough that Sanjaya has taken over all of the world's media compromising roughly 95% of the stories on most websites and news programs (some do make time to sandwich in a little coverage of the Iraq war between Sanjaya hairdo updates and personal interest stories), but now "American Idol" has also given over to Sanjaya fever. Let me explain something to you, Nigel Lythgoe, Sanjaya is only as popular as you allow him to be. I'm not implying that the producers skew the results or banish Sanjaya solely for his possible evilness. I'm just saying that there are subtle ways they could change the way he is presented on television that could very quickly dry up his support.

The first thing we have to do to defeat the Sanjaya army is decide exactly where his support originates. It is my opinion, that there are three distinct groups.

1. Vote for the Worst -- This is by far the greatest weapon that Sanjaya currently has in his arsenal. Started during Season Three and recently cast into the limelight by Howard Stern (the evidence for evil is mounting isn't it?), this site picks a candidate that is the "worst" generally a poor singer with some sort of "trainwreck" watchable quality and pushes for all like-minded individuals to vote for them, pushing them much further than they should go in the competition.

2. Actual fans -- I know it's hard to believe, but some people do actually like him. I keep hearing things like, "He's such a nice young man." and "He gives back to his community." Well, I say this: Hitler had pretty good manners too. Those of you that are still fooled by Sanjaya's "nice guy" attitude, check out the way he abuses these sour patch kids:



3. The Indian Conspiracy -- When's the last time you put in a service call to Dell Computers? How about Microsoft? Or maybe the New AT&T (who coincidentally is a HUGE sponsor of "American Idol")? What nationality was the person on the other end of the phone? Chances are good they were not American, and English was not their first language. India has an ever growing middle-class bolstered by the move of thousands of service jobs (re: telemarketers and service call representatives) from the US to India. Perhaps they see in Sanjaya a way to exert their newfound power and show that an Indian can achieve the American dream! (okay probably not, but it's always best to cover all the possibilities)

Now group 3 may not even exist, and group 2 has got to be pretty small (According to experts only four percent of the population is afflicted with congenital amusia or tone deafness), but group 1 could carry Sanjaya a long way in the competition. Let's look at this weeks votes:

There were roughly 35 million votes cast this week with eight finalists left. If evenly divided, each contestant would have received about 4.3 million. We all know that there is no way that Hailey or Phil got 4 million votes, and chances are good that Melinda, Lakisha, Blake, and Jordan all got significantly more than that. So, let's say that at this point in the competition it would take that average, 4 million plus, to keep you out of the bottom three, and therefore safe. Sirius Satellite radio (the company that currently broadcasts Howard Stern's show) has roughly 10 million subscribers. Best estimates from third parties say that somewhere in the neighborhood of 58% of Sirius subscribers listen to Stern sometime during the week. For arguments sake, let's say there are 4 million (at least somewhat regular) listeners. How many of these call in and vote for Sanjaya based on Stern's urgings? Well, they have to be fairly interested in what he has to say since to listen to him now costs them $12 a month, so let's say that half of them follow his suggestion. That's an extra two million votes every week for Sanjaya (that's if they just vote once). We still have to take into account the votes from Sanjaya's "real" fans (God bless them and their poor broken ears), as well as the vote rigging from New Delhi.

Okay, I've just done the math, and I think Sanjaya may in fact win the Democratic nomination for President. What's that? He's not old enough to serve? No worries, Speaker Pelosi is, even as we speak, drafting an amendment to change the age limit to allow everyone's favorite hula dancer to serve as our next Commander in Chief.

We can't let it get that far.

I know that it's difficult to remember to watch the show and call in those votes (especially when there are only three or four really good contestants), but we, the good-intentioned, non-hearing impaired masses must stand for what is right. The problem is to get him off the show we must literally vote for EVERY ONE else. So, keep those dialing fingers limber and remember the words of Edmond Burke:

When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.

I don't think he was SPECIFICALLY talking about Votefortheworst.com and Howard Stern, but you never know, that Edmund Burke was a dude full of forethought.

From the Depths of My Soul, a Call for Reason...

Alright. That's enough. It's gone too far now.

It's time for Sanjaya to stop singing on my TV. I don't want to hear his rendition of "Walking after Midnight" during Country week, or listen to him warble through "Hound Dog" on Elvis Night. I don't even want to see him butcher Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain." That's right ladies and gentlemen, the lip-syncers are even too good for Sanjaya Malakar.

The good news is, after tonight's (well, I hesitate to call it a performance. Let's just say tonight's) hairstyle showing he just won himself a role in Mel Gibson's production of Apocalypto II: Electric Boogaloo (that's right, I made a Mel Gibson/Native American/Breakdancing 80's movie joke all at the same time). Seriously, tell me you couldn't see him, smiling that like, holding a still beating heart on top of an ancient Aztec Temple.

Up until this week I had only a mild distaste for young Sanjaya. I thought he was horrible, but harmless. But this week he not only ruins the cool-factor of mohawks for probably the next ten years, but also butchers a great No Doubt song. "Bathwater" is one of their coolest (and less appreciated) songs. Now, it's that thing that Sanjaya did last night on "Idol." Thanks, dude. That's another CD I've gotta break.

Mrs. Rogue has a particular love for "Bathwater" (or as we'll now forever know Sanjaya's version, "Lukewarm Bathwater"). She begged me to fast-forward (thank you Tivo!), but I couldn't. I just knew at any moment Gwen Stefani would bum-rush the stage and do us all a favor by beating him senseless with the microphone. Two and a half minutes later, Sanjaya's still warbling. You let us down Gwenny, and I'm not gonna forget that!

Look how surprised Gwen is while hearing Sanjaya sing. Aren't you sorry you didn't beat him, Gwen?

Ladies and gentlemen of the "American Idol" voting public, I come before you a humbled man. I don't claim to understand your criteria for judging. The idea that you could allow Antonella Barba to survive as long as you did in the competition astounds me. That Bucky Covington now has an album thanks to you, shows that you are indeed king-makers (or at least mediocre, over produced country singer-makers). I know Sanjaya's hair is bouncy, I know that Simon says mean things to him (and we all hate the British!), I know that Howard Stern and Votefortheworst.com are telling you that you can make a difference. But put all that aside. Turn on your DVR tonight and re-watch the show. Or maybe cruise over to YouTube and look for one of Sanjaya's older performances. When he comes on stage, I know you'll be tempted to bob your head along with the melody he's abusing or the rhythym he's ignoring, but don't. Don't watch those lovely curls (or dangerously high mohawk) bounce around. Nope, close your eyes and listen. Hear Sanjaya sacrifice the songs of your youth (or your parents youth if you're one of his beloved twelve year old crying fans). Bathe in the mediocrity that is Sanjaya. And then, let him go. Like William Hung and Antonella before him, let him slide into the annals of pop culture as "that kid that couldn't sing on 'American Idol'". Only then can our long national nightmare be over.

And now for your viewing and listening pleasure, the Drunken Rogue brings you:

Sanjaya Anthem

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Lost, Found, and the Search for an Antenna

I like TV.

To those of you that read this blog even intermittently, that will come as no surprise. But to you, Kevin, the college sophomore, who just stumbled upon this blog accidentally while searching for a recipe for that great drink your fraternity brothers served you the other night (The Drunken Rob), you probably didn't know that I liked TV. You also probably have no idea why you (or anyone else) would care. Well, first of all, Kevin, I'm a pretty good writer. Second of all "the Drunken Rob" is not a real drink, it's just the remainder (complete with backwash) of all their drinks poured into one cup together. It's named after one of them, that the older brothers pulled that trick on when HE was a sophomore. Yep, I've been to college.

Now that Kevin is up to speed, let us proceed with today's lesson. There are many good television shows on these days. There are also many horrible shows on. Let's see if you can tell the difference.

"Boston Legal" -- Good -- Bad

"I Love New York" -- Good -- Bad

"The Office" -- Good -- Bad

"My Super Sweet 16" -- Good -- Bad

Now let's see how you did. For "Boston Legal" you should have circled "Good". Very nice work everybody. For "The Office" also a circle over "Good". Excellent job, people. Oh, wait a minute. Not so fast with that circle over "Good" for "I Love New York." That one requires a circle over "Bad". And I'm afraid you've all failed the last one. "My Super Sweet 16" deserves neither a circle over "Good" or "Bad." Nope, that was a trick question. The correct answer is to write in "Illegal." Sorry about that one.

Now that we all know the difference between a good show and a bad show. Let's look at a show that has fallen into the gray area. Three years ago, the ABC network was looking for a hit. It got two. "Desperate Housewives" went beyond a success and become a bit of a phenomenon. It was one of those shows that people talked about around the water cooler at work. But in its second season the show which had walked the fine line between comedy and schlock, jumped full on into the Soap Opera category. Most of the casual fans fell by the wayside. ABC brought another new show to the slate that fall. An action/adventure/science fiction show about a group of plane crash survivors on a mysterious island. The story of their survival is combined with flashbacks from their pasts that show that these people have crossed paths in many ways before. The first season was the perfect mix of suspense, romance, intrigue, and mystery. The first season finale is one of the most talked about television episodes ever. The second season just built on the first season's successes. Adding some new cast members and furthering the development of the original castaways created one of the best ensembles on television. But then came the third season.

Viewers had complained about the interruption of the series with re-runs. A show that focuses so completely on continuity and suspense suffers when not allowed to build up momentum. The producers heard these complaints and structured a plan that would (hopefully) appease the fans, while still keeping the network happy. A six episode mini-season would run in the fall, and the show would return in February with 17 uninterrupted episodes after a three month hiatus. In theory it was excellent. The problem was the six episode mini-season just frustrated fans, as it ignored completely many of the most popular characters. But now it's February.

Tonight the REAL season of "Lost" begins. And I can't wait. The anticipation is sweetened (and tempered) by a recent acquisition of mine. Sunday night, I (and Mrs. Rogue) joined the High Definition era. Thanks to an excellent deal at everyone's favorite national retailer, Wal-Mart, and selling my (admittedly wonderful) old TV to my buddy, I stepped up to HDTV. We now have a beautiful 30" Sanyo HDTV with DVD upconversion, Divx playback, and a built in HDTV and SDTV tuner. But I'm missing one thing.

I need a bigger antenna.

For those that don't know about HDTV, one of the brilliant things is that local stations broadcast it just like they do their analog signal. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, the age of HDTV is the age of the Rabbit ears!

Mrs. Rogue and I are located 35 miles from the nearest "real" city. This city has a multitude of broadcast networks, most of which have converted to HD. With the right antenna I could receive (free of charge) CBS, NBC, ABC and PBS in glorious High Definition. With my current antenna (a highly powered indoor model) I can get NBC. Monday night we watched "Heroes" and "Studio 60" in HD. I've even found myself watching "The Tonight Show" and I hate Leno. It is highly doubtful that anyone will step forward over the next couple of hours and donate a high powered outdoor antenna to me. It is less likely that I would be able to mount it before tonight's episode of "Lost." But I remain hopeful. Regardless of whether I get to see it tonight in HD or SD, I can't wait for my favorite castaways (sorry Gilligan) to begin their adventures again.