Something for the Ladies: A Woman's Guide to the Playoffs

That's right, ladies, the Drunken Rogue cares for you in your hour of need. I know the men in your life have disappeared. Wandering off to a buddy's house for the next several weeks. Or maybe they have just stopped responding to outside stimulus, their eyes glazed over while their hand death grips the remote control. It's playoff time.

Once a year America's favorite sport (football, and no I don't mean that pansy European variety called soccer) becomes even more important as the league's elite teams vie for the two spots in the Super Bowl. It can be a daunting time for a fan, and downright frightening for the uninitiated. That's where I come in. I'll show you the ins and outs of the playoffs, as well as give you my Wild-Card round picks. Don't worry about the jargon, ladies, we'll explain it all in good time.

**It bears mentioning that this guide will work just as well for the non-football fan guy reading. Although, if you're a guy and you don't get excited by the playoffs, there may be something wrong with your plumbing...I'm just saying.**

What are the Playoffs? God's little gift to mankind. Sure there's that whole creation thing, and the salvation and redemption were nice as well. These things should not be shortchanged. But the Playoffs, that's a pretty big one. The Playoffs are where the men are separated from the boys, where the wheat is separated from the chaff and where your husbands cannot be separated from their recliners.

How does it work? The NFL is divided into two conferences, the NFC and the AFC (think the north and south in the Civil War but without the slavery or the division of brothers, although there is a Manning in either one). The top twelve teams in the NFL (six from each Conference) get into the playoffs. The teams that are ranked 1 and 2 in each conference get a bye (a week off) while the other four teams play each other. This way the teams that perform well in the regular season are rewarded with time to get healthy (it's like when your man does the dishes without being asked seven times and so you do that special thing that he likes...this is a family atmosphere, excuse me).

Why do you care? Mostly because ad agencies and ESPN tell us to. Deep within every man there is a sad little boy that wishes he had gotten picked first on the playground (even the boy that did get picked first has issues, trust me). Watching sports (especially violent ones like football) allows us to live out some of these pent up dreams that we know we'll never get to fulfill in real life. Just let us have Sundays, it's cheaper than therapy.

How long will this last? For the rest of our lives...oh, you meant the playoffs, not the psychosis. Ah, yes. The Playoffs consist of a Wild card round (this weekend), a second round (next weekend), the Conference Championships (two weeks from now) and then the Super Bowl (they take some time off between the Conference Championship and the Super Bowl so that everyone can get really drunk either celebrating or mourning).

So, Who's going to win? A fair question. One that countless talking heads who analyze, study and discuss this game for a living have talked about for the last week and will continue talking about until after the Super Bowl when they start talking about next season (there really is no down time for our psychosis). The truth is, nobody knows. That's why they play the game (that and the millions and millions of dollars that they get paid to do so). But for grins and giggles (and so that you can look smart in front of your man) here are my picks for this weekend's Wild Card match-ups:

The Kansas City Chiefs vs. The Indianapolis Colts -- Peyton Manning and the Colts are a powerful offense, but they have absolutely no ability to stop teams from running the ball. No team runs the ball better than Kansas City. That smells like trouble to me. Kansas City Chiefs

The Dallas Cowboys vs. The Seattle Seahawks -- Three weeks ago Tony Romo (the Dallas Quarterback) was the toast of the NFL, today he's just toast. Seattle Seahawks

The New York Jets vs. The New England Patriots -- The coach of the Jets studied under the coach of the Patriots (who is generally considered the best coach in the NFL), however there comes a time when (to paraphrase Star Wars) the student becomes the teacher. This just isn't that time. New England Patriots

The New York Giants vs. The Philadelphia Eagles -- Peyton Manning's younger (less talented) brother, Eli, is the quarterback for the Giants. He doesn't have his big brother's arm strength or field vision, but he also doesn't have an entire city that expects him to lose (Jeff Garcia and the Philly Eagles however, do). New York Giants

Well, there we are ladies (and sports challenged men) my look at the first week of the 2007 NFL playoffs. We laughed, we cried, we bet the rent money on a loser. I'll see you back here next week, when we outline the ways the Saints could screw up a good thing.