It's Just Football

That's what I keep telling myself.

But it doesn't feel that way.

It feels like I've been punched cruelly and powerfully in the stomach. Where just months ago, was excitement and sheer joy, today is despair and disgust. What went wrong? Where did it go?

For those of you not currently going through this emotional hell, maybe you have no idea that I'm talking about the New Orleans Saints and their 0-3 start. What makes it really unbearable, so completely different than years passed when the fans wore bags on their heads and called their team the "Ain'ts", is that there is no one thing we can point to as an explanation. Sure, the secondary is weak, but that's not why we can't run the football. Sure, we're having trouble running, but that's not why Drew Brees (the should-have-been-MVP last year) can't seem to find any receivers except the opponents defensive backs. Sure, Drew Brees is struggling but that's not why we can't stop the run. Do you see the complete failure here?

The national media (who were quick to pick us for the Super Bowl in the pre-season) is running with the angle that LAST YEAR was the anomaly. Really, we still are that team that has only had eight winning seasons in our forty year history. They've already printed the "Ain'ts" signs and started handing out the paper bags. I don't think I'm ready to give into that attitude yet, but it doesn't feel good.

I might be new to New Orleans, but I've been a Saints fan my whole life. I've lamented the fact that other cities, states and regions get to celebrate championships and we celebrated a single (and then a duplicate) playoff win. Two years ago, this city was hit by the worst natural disaster (that phrase always makes me laugh, there was nothing natural about it) in American history. The next year the city (and region) tied its recovery to a football team. Every Sunday we set aside the construction efforts and smiled as a bunch of muscle bound men wearing the symbol of our city surprised the world and represented us well. We loved the Saints before Katrina. We danced in the streets over their wins and cried in our beer over their losses. After Katrina, we ARE the Saints. That's what makes this 0-3 so tough to take. If this team, so talented, so confident, so universally projected as winners can't get up off the mat, maybe we can't either.

But then again, it's just football. Right?

I Got a Fever...

...and the only cure is more cowbell*

*In the preceding sentence "cowbell" refers to football.

Oh my God it's finally here! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? (Duh duh) Are you ready? (Duh duh)

For the four of you that have ever watched pro wrestling and get that little joke, congrats, to the rest of you, how 'bout a pop culture reference you will get, "Are you ready for some football?"

Yes, it's pre-season. Yes, there is a good chance that no one I've ever heard of will even play tonight. But there are three important things to remember.

1. The players will be wearing uniforms representing real, honest to goodness NFL franchises (one of them from my new hometown)!

2. They'll use real NFL balls, and real NFL officials and even real NFL commentators!

3. It'll be played in beautifully HD on my local ABC station!

I swear, I don't think I would be more excited if the Super Bowl was tonight. This off-season has been long and tedious. We've got Barry "Buttcheek" Bonds limping towards a record no one wants him to break (except maybe Barry, and I'm not even sure he really cares anymore), Lebron James nursing his wounds after the massive whooping Tim Duncan and Tony Parker gave him only to found out that Kevin Garnett has been traded to the Celtics officially making it that much more difficult for him to get back to the Finals, and Michael Vick singlehandedly replacing Barry Bonds on the "worst guy in sports" list at number one (yes, I know Ray Lewis might have killed a man, but at least he didn't mess with dogs!)

I need football back on the air, and I know I am not alone. When the Saints and Steelers (or the 7th string guys that will be wearing the uniforms anyway) take the field tonight in Canton it won't just put a smile on my weary face, it will mark the beginning of the absolute best thing in professional sports, football season. For those that are unprepared for this special time of year, here's some pointers on ways to get hyped:

1. Play through a full season of last year's Madden this afternoon. -- Madden's commentary can often be repetitive, sometimes seeming like it's limited to just a few phrases. You might as well get used to that in the video game before you have to suffer through it on Sunday Night Football.

2. Put this year's Madden on pre-order. -- Geeks may wait in line for Star Wars or Spiderman, but real men (and some of us geeks too) wait only for Madden. For a large segment of the population this game is the only reason they even own a video game console. Your local video game store will gladly take your five dollars to ensure that one of the four billion copies they receive Tuesday the 14th will have your name on it.

3. Do everything that your wife/mother/significant other has been begging you to do for the last year. -- You and I both know that you have a "honey-do" list a mile long. There is no room for that list to interfere with the games in the coming weeks, so (as Barney Fife would say) nip it in the bud. Mow the yard/plant sod, take the dog for a walk/vet visit/neutering/play date, organize the shop/DVD collection/dirty laundry pile, replace the garage door/toilet lid/shower curtain/trash compactor etc. Possible alternatives for those not up for all the fix-it work include: hiring a man-servant, or filing for divorce. Good luck either way.

There are probably several more items that I should include in this list, but the fact of the matter is that I've a "honey-do" list of my own to whittle down and there is only so much time until kickoff. Enjoy the season everybody, may your team win (unless they're playing the Saints)!

Insanity Episode III: Revenge of the Who-Dats

The Drunken Rogue, fresh off his defeat of the LD is back with a complete look at the Conference Championship round of the NFL Playoffs. So, sit back, relax, and let's take a look at the who, what, where, and how of these colossal games.

What? There's still football left to play? Please tell me I won't have to watch any next week. Actually, you won't. They take a week off between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl (Feb. 4). So, this is like almost the last weekend of actual games you'll have to sit through. But then there's the pre-game coverage of the Super Bowl, and then the game itself, then post-game coverage, then post-season highlights, then the Pro-Bowl, then pre-draft coverage then the draft, then mini-camp coverage, then training camp coverage...well. You get the idea.

So, who's even still in it? Haven't like 28 teams been beaten already? Yes, as a matter of fact. The latest to get knocked out were the Baltimore Ravens, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Seattle Seahawks, and the San Diego Chargers. Happy offseason guys! The teams still in the hunt for the Super Bowl are the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots from the AFC and the Chicago Bears and the New Orleans Saints from the NFC.

Haven't you been picking who would win these games? Were you right about any of them? I have indeed been picking the games. So far I am a respectable 4-4. This is harder than it looks. It's an art people.

So, who's playing this week? Against all odds (and Joel's picks) the Indianapolis Colts have managed to knock off two opponents and have fought their way to a matchup against their rivals the New England Patriots. The New Orleans Saints, just one year removed from the Hurricane Katrina disaster, have surprised everyone by making it to the Conference Championship game for the first time in franchise history. This Sunday they face the Chicago Bears.

Now, let's look at these games.

The New England Patriots vs. The Indianapolis Colts -- Peyton Manning has a monkey on his back. No, not his less talented brother Eli, the fact that he has a reputation for losing the big game. Especially when that game is against Tom Brady, and the New England Patriots. This is the first time in the history of the AFC that the Championship game has been played in a domed stadium (the RCA Dome in Indianapolis). That would seem to favor Indy, but then again the Patriots are undefeated in playoff games contested in a dome. I literally could use "rock, paper scissors" to pick this game, but I'm hoping for...Indianapolis Colts

The New Orleans Saints vs. The Chicago Bears -- The Bears have an amazing defense that swallows teams whole. They have the single best kick returner in the league who, just this year, broke the record for returns for touchdowns in a season (6). The game will be played on their field in Chicago. It will be cold, and possibly snowy. But, they also have the most wildly inconsistent Quarterback currently playing in the NFL. New Orleans will be out of their element, away from the city and state that is literally on fire with love for them. They will be thousands of miles from home in unfavorable conditions drastically different than what they are used to. The high tomorrow is 31 degrees. There is a significant chance of snow, with possible accumulation. I got news for you, it don't matter. These Saints are not your Daddy's Saints. Heck, they're not even last year's Saints, and tomorrow afternoon they get it done. New Orleans Saints

So there it is. It's been a wonderful football season so far, and I can't wait for the finish. Who-Dat?

Insanity Episode II: The Playoffs Strike Back

About a week ago, in a stadium at least several hours from here...

(Powerful musical fanfare, as the credits roll)

That's right, ladies (and girly-men) the Rogue is back with all the insight that you didn't even realize you needed about this exciting second round of the NFL playoffs. I know it's hard to imagine, but this week is actually MORE exciting than last week's matches. But first...

A moment of silence for those teams that are no longer with us.

The New York Giants - Tiki Barber was disappointed to find out that while his retirement OFFICIALLY began last Sunday, there weren't any immediate openings on the Today Show. He is, however, watching the Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump/Barbara Walters feud with great interest.

The Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City head coach, Herm Edwards, was of course disappointed to lose in the Wild Card round, but he's excited about his buddies Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith moving forward. When asked for a comment after the game, Edwards said, "Well, we are all really close so I figure if things don't work out here, I could always get an assistant coaching job for one of them, you know with a good football team."

The New York Jets - The New York fans are traditionally rabid at draft time, which is why the Jets are so excited to have exited the playoffs early. Sure, it puts them below the really bad teams in the league, like Detroit or Oakland, but it also keeps them ahead of perennial favorites like New England and Philadelphia. This ensures that they overpay for a medium range talent, instead of dropping a surprise talent in their lap at a bargain rate. New Yorkers hate surprises.

The Dallas Cowboys - While I'm not positive, I think construction of the Tony Romo statue in downtown Dallas has been put on hold indefinitely. It's probably for the best though, since the pure magnetism of Romo's Greek god-like form would inevitably cause traffic jams as B-list singers like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood would constantly be visiting it.

The Indianapolis Colts - Wait a minute...these guys are still in it? I'm sorry, I just assumed they were out of it. They generally are this time of year.

So last week I went 2-2 as the New England Patriots and the Seahawks handled business, but the Indianapolis Colts and the Philadelphia Eagles surprised me with their ability to win with over-the-hill quarterbacks. Let's see how that works out for them this week.

The Indianapolis Colts vs. The Baltimore Ravens -- On a cold night in 1984 the Baltimore Colts vacated their home in Maryland and moved to the proverbial "greener pastures" of Indianapolis (I say proverbial, because, having never been to Indianapolis I cannot verify the greenness of their pastures). Well, on Saturday afternoon the chickens (or more correctly, the Ravens) come home to roost. Peyton Manning has been as tragically bad in the playoffs as he has been historically good in the regular season. While that didn't stop them from winning last week, it will sink them this week against the best defense in the league. Baltimore Ravens

The Seattle Seahawks vs. The Chicago Bears -- While Peyton Manning continues to wow in the regular season, and disappoint in the post-season, Rex Grossman is trying to establish the opposite in Chicago. The good news for Rex is that he actually has a terrific defense to lean on. Seattle, coming off a season riddled with injuries, is on the ropes and the combo of the Chicago Defense and Special teams will be enough to finish them off. In fact, I'd suggest that Lovie Smith not even put a quarterback into the game opting only for return yards on kickoffs and interceptions. Chicago Bears

The New England Patriots vs. The San Diego Chargers -- Bill Belichick, the dashingly handsome and devilishly intelligent New England coach, is all but undefeated in the playoffs as is his quarterback, Tom Brady. Marty Shottenheimer (coach of the San Diego Chargers) on the other hand hasn't won in his last five trips to the playoffs. His quarterback has never even been to the playoffs. So why would anyone give San Diego a chance? Why, in fact, are they actually the favorites in this game? Because Michael Jordan plays for San Diego. No, not the actual Michael Jordan, he (nearing fifty years old) probably wouldn't make a great football player anymore, but they have the football equivalent, a guy so much better than those around him that he makes them look amateurish. I'm talking about LaDanian Tomlinson. Nobody should ever bet against Michael Jordan. San Diego Chargers

The Philadelphia Eagles vs. The New Orleans Saints -- I should have put this game second on the list (since that's when it will be played) but I'm a Louisiana boy, and I have a lot riding on this game (emotionally, of course, I would never condone sports betting). The Philadelphia Eagles have pretty much owned the NFC (that's one of the two conferences in the NFL, remember) the last five or six years. They are currently the "hottest team" in the NFL (having won more in a row at the end of the season than anybody else), they have a wonderful receiving and rushing threat in Brian Westbrook, a level headed battle-tested quarterback, and one of the best coaches in the league. New Orleans has one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the best rookie receiver in Marquis Colston, the most talented (after Vince Young) rookie in Reggie Bush, a Pro Bowl rusher in Deuce McAllister, and the coach of the year in Sean Peyton. On paper it should be an incredibly close matchup. The difference maker is that the game will be played in the SuperDome in the rebuilding New Orleans. I might be willing to question the Saints, but I can't imagine that the people that will literally be overflowing the Dome this Saturday night will allow this Saints team to lose. Expect one of the greatest 12th men of all time to show up. Expect the Saints to shine. New Orleans Saints

Well, it's likely that this time Sunday I'll...well, I'll probably be asleep this time Sunday, but later I'll either be crying tears of joy over New Orleans win or just plain crying over their loss. I know you'll all be there with me in spirit, and that makes it so much easier. Till next week...that's the playoffs.

Something for the Ladies: A Woman's Guide to the Playoffs

That's right, ladies, the Drunken Rogue cares for you in your hour of need. I know the men in your life have disappeared. Wandering off to a buddy's house for the next several weeks. Or maybe they have just stopped responding to outside stimulus, their eyes glazed over while their hand death grips the remote control. It's playoff time.

Once a year America's favorite sport (football, and no I don't mean that pansy European variety called soccer) becomes even more important as the league's elite teams vie for the two spots in the Super Bowl. It can be a daunting time for a fan, and downright frightening for the uninitiated. That's where I come in. I'll show you the ins and outs of the playoffs, as well as give you my Wild-Card round picks. Don't worry about the jargon, ladies, we'll explain it all in good time.

**It bears mentioning that this guide will work just as well for the non-football fan guy reading. Although, if you're a guy and you don't get excited by the playoffs, there may be something wrong with your plumbing...I'm just saying.**

What are the Playoffs? God's little gift to mankind. Sure there's that whole creation thing, and the salvation and redemption were nice as well. These things should not be shortchanged. But the Playoffs, that's a pretty big one. The Playoffs are where the men are separated from the boys, where the wheat is separated from the chaff and where your husbands cannot be separated from their recliners.

How does it work? The NFL is divided into two conferences, the NFC and the AFC (think the north and south in the Civil War but without the slavery or the division of brothers, although there is a Manning in either one). The top twelve teams in the NFL (six from each Conference) get into the playoffs. The teams that are ranked 1 and 2 in each conference get a bye (a week off) while the other four teams play each other. This way the teams that perform well in the regular season are rewarded with time to get healthy (it's like when your man does the dishes without being asked seven times and so you do that special thing that he likes...this is a family atmosphere, excuse me).

Why do you care? Mostly because ad agencies and ESPN tell us to. Deep within every man there is a sad little boy that wishes he had gotten picked first on the playground (even the boy that did get picked first has issues, trust me). Watching sports (especially violent ones like football) allows us to live out some of these pent up dreams that we know we'll never get to fulfill in real life. Just let us have Sundays, it's cheaper than therapy.

How long will this last? For the rest of our lives...oh, you meant the playoffs, not the psychosis. Ah, yes. The Playoffs consist of a Wild card round (this weekend), a second round (next weekend), the Conference Championships (two weeks from now) and then the Super Bowl (they take some time off between the Conference Championship and the Super Bowl so that everyone can get really drunk either celebrating or mourning).

So, Who's going to win? A fair question. One that countless talking heads who analyze, study and discuss this game for a living have talked about for the last week and will continue talking about until after the Super Bowl when they start talking about next season (there really is no down time for our psychosis). The truth is, nobody knows. That's why they play the game (that and the millions and millions of dollars that they get paid to do so). But for grins and giggles (and so that you can look smart in front of your man) here are my picks for this weekend's Wild Card match-ups:

The Kansas City Chiefs vs. The Indianapolis Colts -- Peyton Manning and the Colts are a powerful offense, but they have absolutely no ability to stop teams from running the ball. No team runs the ball better than Kansas City. That smells like trouble to me. Kansas City Chiefs

The Dallas Cowboys vs. The Seattle Seahawks -- Three weeks ago Tony Romo (the Dallas Quarterback) was the toast of the NFL, today he's just toast. Seattle Seahawks

The New York Jets vs. The New England Patriots -- The coach of the Jets studied under the coach of the Patriots (who is generally considered the best coach in the NFL), however there comes a time when (to paraphrase Star Wars) the student becomes the teacher. This just isn't that time. New England Patriots

The New York Giants vs. The Philadelphia Eagles -- Peyton Manning's younger (less talented) brother, Eli, is the quarterback for the Giants. He doesn't have his big brother's arm strength or field vision, but he also doesn't have an entire city that expects him to lose (Jeff Garcia and the Philly Eagles however, do). New York Giants

Well, there we are ladies (and sports challenged men) my look at the first week of the 2007 NFL playoffs. We laughed, we cried, we bet the rent money on a loser. I'll see you back here next week, when we outline the ways the Saints could screw up a good thing.

Bonehead Plays: The Greatest Game of all Time and Why I Missed It

Let me preface this tale of woe with the following statement: I love football. But I REALLY love Pro-football. College pigskin can be exciting and exhilarating, but for me, the NFL is where it's at. (Incidentally, what is IT and why are we always looking for IT's location?)

Yesterday there was a football game. Truthfully there were a lot of football games, but two in particular were of interest to me, and the public at large. The first pitted two almost national championship teams against each other. The University of Southern California who after putting together one of the greatest multiple season runs in history stumbled towards the end of this season, was pitted against The University of Michigan, who many people felt deserved another shot at the #1 ranked team, Ohio State University. That was a good game, defensive in the first half with USC eventually pulling away for a big win.

The other game of interest featured The University of Oklahoma, a perennial powerhouse and challenger for the national championship, taking on an upstart that no one thought belonged there. The unwelcome team was Boise State University. The boys from the blue turf of Idaho had run roughshod over their (admittedly weak) Western Athletic Conference foes, as well as beating all their non-conference opponents. They were the only Division I team (other than the #1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes) that remained undefeated. They were given absolutely no chance. The national media thought it was cute that such a small conference was represented in the BCS. I thought it was going to be a slaughter.

Oh, I was wrong. If not for a few lucky breaks falling Oklahoma's way, Boise might have slaughtered the Sooners. As it happened, Boise lead early, they lead late and they led large. Oklahoma fought their way back and it seemed that Cinderella's story had drawn to a close. But the slipper was still on her foot, and there weren't any pumpkins in sight. A total of 22 points were scored in the final minute and a half of regulation. Let's put that into context: Penn State and Tennessee played a Bowl game yesterday. They combined for 30 points in the ENTIRE game. Auburn and Nebraska only added up to 31, so did Arkansas and Wisconsin. Boise outscored all of those teams in the FIRST half.

Some rapid fire scoring to end the game does not (by itself) make a CLASSIC game. A thrilling end to overtime does though. Boise used about 100 different trick plays to pull off an amazing overtime touchdown drive and then made the guts and glory call to go for a two point conversion to win the game. What play did they use to score the two point conversion? A trick play called the "Statue of Liberty."

***QUICK SUMMATION FOR THOSE NOT EVEN MILDLY INTERESTED IN SPORTS*** The game was one of the most exciting and surprising sporting events in my (admittedly short) lifetime.

And I wasn't watching.

What was so important that I couldn't spare a few moments to watch sports history? Was a family member injured? Was I on a mission from God? (Nice Blues Brother reference, isn't it?) Was "Heroes" on NBC? NO! I was watching a movie, "World Trade Center" to be specific. It's a fine film, no doubts about it. I can easily and happily recommend it to others, but as a substitute for a spectacular sports moment, it fails miserably.

So, if somebody taped the damn thing send me a message. Because one way or another, I'm watching this game. Thank God for ESPN Classic.