Insanity Episode III: Revenge of the Who-Dats

The Drunken Rogue, fresh off his defeat of the LD is back with a complete look at the Conference Championship round of the NFL Playoffs. So, sit back, relax, and let's take a look at the who, what, where, and how of these colossal games.

What? There's still football left to play? Please tell me I won't have to watch any next week. Actually, you won't. They take a week off between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl (Feb. 4). So, this is like almost the last weekend of actual games you'll have to sit through. But then there's the pre-game coverage of the Super Bowl, and then the game itself, then post-game coverage, then post-season highlights, then the Pro-Bowl, then pre-draft coverage then the draft, then mini-camp coverage, then training camp coverage...well. You get the idea.

So, who's even still in it? Haven't like 28 teams been beaten already? Yes, as a matter of fact. The latest to get knocked out were the Baltimore Ravens, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Seattle Seahawks, and the San Diego Chargers. Happy offseason guys! The teams still in the hunt for the Super Bowl are the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots from the AFC and the Chicago Bears and the New Orleans Saints from the NFC.

Haven't you been picking who would win these games? Were you right about any of them? I have indeed been picking the games. So far I am a respectable 4-4. This is harder than it looks. It's an art people.

So, who's playing this week? Against all odds (and Joel's picks) the Indianapolis Colts have managed to knock off two opponents and have fought their way to a matchup against their rivals the New England Patriots. The New Orleans Saints, just one year removed from the Hurricane Katrina disaster, have surprised everyone by making it to the Conference Championship game for the first time in franchise history. This Sunday they face the Chicago Bears.

Now, let's look at these games.

The New England Patriots vs. The Indianapolis Colts -- Peyton Manning has a monkey on his back. No, not his less talented brother Eli, the fact that he has a reputation for losing the big game. Especially when that game is against Tom Brady, and the New England Patriots. This is the first time in the history of the AFC that the Championship game has been played in a domed stadium (the RCA Dome in Indianapolis). That would seem to favor Indy, but then again the Patriots are undefeated in playoff games contested in a dome. I literally could use "rock, paper scissors" to pick this game, but I'm hoping for...Indianapolis Colts

The New Orleans Saints vs. The Chicago Bears -- The Bears have an amazing defense that swallows teams whole. They have the single best kick returner in the league who, just this year, broke the record for returns for touchdowns in a season (6). The game will be played on their field in Chicago. It will be cold, and possibly snowy. But, they also have the most wildly inconsistent Quarterback currently playing in the NFL. New Orleans will be out of their element, away from the city and state that is literally on fire with love for them. They will be thousands of miles from home in unfavorable conditions drastically different than what they are used to. The high tomorrow is 31 degrees. There is a significant chance of snow, with possible accumulation. I got news for you, it don't matter. These Saints are not your Daddy's Saints. Heck, they're not even last year's Saints, and tomorrow afternoon they get it done. New Orleans Saints

So there it is. It's been a wonderful football season so far, and I can't wait for the finish. Who-Dat?

Insanity Episode II: The Playoffs Strike Back

About a week ago, in a stadium at least several hours from here...

(Powerful musical fanfare, as the credits roll)

That's right, ladies (and girly-men) the Rogue is back with all the insight that you didn't even realize you needed about this exciting second round of the NFL playoffs. I know it's hard to imagine, but this week is actually MORE exciting than last week's matches. But first...

A moment of silence for those teams that are no longer with us.

The New York Giants - Tiki Barber was disappointed to find out that while his retirement OFFICIALLY began last Sunday, there weren't any immediate openings on the Today Show. He is, however, watching the Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump/Barbara Walters feud with great interest.

The Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City head coach, Herm Edwards, was of course disappointed to lose in the Wild Card round, but he's excited about his buddies Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith moving forward. When asked for a comment after the game, Edwards said, "Well, we are all really close so I figure if things don't work out here, I could always get an assistant coaching job for one of them, you know with a good football team."

The New York Jets - The New York fans are traditionally rabid at draft time, which is why the Jets are so excited to have exited the playoffs early. Sure, it puts them below the really bad teams in the league, like Detroit or Oakland, but it also keeps them ahead of perennial favorites like New England and Philadelphia. This ensures that they overpay for a medium range talent, instead of dropping a surprise talent in their lap at a bargain rate. New Yorkers hate surprises.

The Dallas Cowboys - While I'm not positive, I think construction of the Tony Romo statue in downtown Dallas has been put on hold indefinitely. It's probably for the best though, since the pure magnetism of Romo's Greek god-like form would inevitably cause traffic jams as B-list singers like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood would constantly be visiting it.

The Indianapolis Colts - Wait a minute...these guys are still in it? I'm sorry, I just assumed they were out of it. They generally are this time of year.

So last week I went 2-2 as the New England Patriots and the Seahawks handled business, but the Indianapolis Colts and the Philadelphia Eagles surprised me with their ability to win with over-the-hill quarterbacks. Let's see how that works out for them this week.

The Indianapolis Colts vs. The Baltimore Ravens -- On a cold night in 1984 the Baltimore Colts vacated their home in Maryland and moved to the proverbial "greener pastures" of Indianapolis (I say proverbial, because, having never been to Indianapolis I cannot verify the greenness of their pastures). Well, on Saturday afternoon the chickens (or more correctly, the Ravens) come home to roost. Peyton Manning has been as tragically bad in the playoffs as he has been historically good in the regular season. While that didn't stop them from winning last week, it will sink them this week against the best defense in the league. Baltimore Ravens

The Seattle Seahawks vs. The Chicago Bears -- While Peyton Manning continues to wow in the regular season, and disappoint in the post-season, Rex Grossman is trying to establish the opposite in Chicago. The good news for Rex is that he actually has a terrific defense to lean on. Seattle, coming off a season riddled with injuries, is on the ropes and the combo of the Chicago Defense and Special teams will be enough to finish them off. In fact, I'd suggest that Lovie Smith not even put a quarterback into the game opting only for return yards on kickoffs and interceptions. Chicago Bears

The New England Patriots vs. The San Diego Chargers -- Bill Belichick, the dashingly handsome and devilishly intelligent New England coach, is all but undefeated in the playoffs as is his quarterback, Tom Brady. Marty Shottenheimer (coach of the San Diego Chargers) on the other hand hasn't won in his last five trips to the playoffs. His quarterback has never even been to the playoffs. So why would anyone give San Diego a chance? Why, in fact, are they actually the favorites in this game? Because Michael Jordan plays for San Diego. No, not the actual Michael Jordan, he (nearing fifty years old) probably wouldn't make a great football player anymore, but they have the football equivalent, a guy so much better than those around him that he makes them look amateurish. I'm talking about LaDanian Tomlinson. Nobody should ever bet against Michael Jordan. San Diego Chargers

The Philadelphia Eagles vs. The New Orleans Saints -- I should have put this game second on the list (since that's when it will be played) but I'm a Louisiana boy, and I have a lot riding on this game (emotionally, of course, I would never condone sports betting). The Philadelphia Eagles have pretty much owned the NFC (that's one of the two conferences in the NFL, remember) the last five or six years. They are currently the "hottest team" in the NFL (having won more in a row at the end of the season than anybody else), they have a wonderful receiving and rushing threat in Brian Westbrook, a level headed battle-tested quarterback, and one of the best coaches in the league. New Orleans has one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the best rookie receiver in Marquis Colston, the most talented (after Vince Young) rookie in Reggie Bush, a Pro Bowl rusher in Deuce McAllister, and the coach of the year in Sean Peyton. On paper it should be an incredibly close matchup. The difference maker is that the game will be played in the SuperDome in the rebuilding New Orleans. I might be willing to question the Saints, but I can't imagine that the people that will literally be overflowing the Dome this Saturday night will allow this Saints team to lose. Expect one of the greatest 12th men of all time to show up. Expect the Saints to shine. New Orleans Saints

Well, it's likely that this time Sunday I'll...well, I'll probably be asleep this time Sunday, but later I'll either be crying tears of joy over New Orleans win or just plain crying over their loss. I know you'll all be there with me in spirit, and that makes it so much easier. Till next week...that's the playoffs.

Something for the Ladies: A Woman's Guide to the Playoffs

That's right, ladies, the Drunken Rogue cares for you in your hour of need. I know the men in your life have disappeared. Wandering off to a buddy's house for the next several weeks. Or maybe they have just stopped responding to outside stimulus, their eyes glazed over while their hand death grips the remote control. It's playoff time.

Once a year America's favorite sport (football, and no I don't mean that pansy European variety called soccer) becomes even more important as the league's elite teams vie for the two spots in the Super Bowl. It can be a daunting time for a fan, and downright frightening for the uninitiated. That's where I come in. I'll show you the ins and outs of the playoffs, as well as give you my Wild-Card round picks. Don't worry about the jargon, ladies, we'll explain it all in good time.

**It bears mentioning that this guide will work just as well for the non-football fan guy reading. Although, if you're a guy and you don't get excited by the playoffs, there may be something wrong with your plumbing...I'm just saying.**

What are the Playoffs? God's little gift to mankind. Sure there's that whole creation thing, and the salvation and redemption were nice as well. These things should not be shortchanged. But the Playoffs, that's a pretty big one. The Playoffs are where the men are separated from the boys, where the wheat is separated from the chaff and where your husbands cannot be separated from their recliners.

How does it work? The NFL is divided into two conferences, the NFC and the AFC (think the north and south in the Civil War but without the slavery or the division of brothers, although there is a Manning in either one). The top twelve teams in the NFL (six from each Conference) get into the playoffs. The teams that are ranked 1 and 2 in each conference get a bye (a week off) while the other four teams play each other. This way the teams that perform well in the regular season are rewarded with time to get healthy (it's like when your man does the dishes without being asked seven times and so you do that special thing that he likes...this is a family atmosphere, excuse me).

Why do you care? Mostly because ad agencies and ESPN tell us to. Deep within every man there is a sad little boy that wishes he had gotten picked first on the playground (even the boy that did get picked first has issues, trust me). Watching sports (especially violent ones like football) allows us to live out some of these pent up dreams that we know we'll never get to fulfill in real life. Just let us have Sundays, it's cheaper than therapy.

How long will this last? For the rest of our lives...oh, you meant the playoffs, not the psychosis. Ah, yes. The Playoffs consist of a Wild card round (this weekend), a second round (next weekend), the Conference Championships (two weeks from now) and then the Super Bowl (they take some time off between the Conference Championship and the Super Bowl so that everyone can get really drunk either celebrating or mourning).

So, Who's going to win? A fair question. One that countless talking heads who analyze, study and discuss this game for a living have talked about for the last week and will continue talking about until after the Super Bowl when they start talking about next season (there really is no down time for our psychosis). The truth is, nobody knows. That's why they play the game (that and the millions and millions of dollars that they get paid to do so). But for grins and giggles (and so that you can look smart in front of your man) here are my picks for this weekend's Wild Card match-ups:

The Kansas City Chiefs vs. The Indianapolis Colts -- Peyton Manning and the Colts are a powerful offense, but they have absolutely no ability to stop teams from running the ball. No team runs the ball better than Kansas City. That smells like trouble to me. Kansas City Chiefs

The Dallas Cowboys vs. The Seattle Seahawks -- Three weeks ago Tony Romo (the Dallas Quarterback) was the toast of the NFL, today he's just toast. Seattle Seahawks

The New York Jets vs. The New England Patriots -- The coach of the Jets studied under the coach of the Patriots (who is generally considered the best coach in the NFL), however there comes a time when (to paraphrase Star Wars) the student becomes the teacher. This just isn't that time. New England Patriots

The New York Giants vs. The Philadelphia Eagles -- Peyton Manning's younger (less talented) brother, Eli, is the quarterback for the Giants. He doesn't have his big brother's arm strength or field vision, but he also doesn't have an entire city that expects him to lose (Jeff Garcia and the Philly Eagles however, do). New York Giants

Well, there we are ladies (and sports challenged men) my look at the first week of the 2007 NFL playoffs. We laughed, we cried, we bet the rent money on a loser. I'll see you back here next week, when we outline the ways the Saints could screw up a good thing.