The Birthday Boy: What a Rogue Wants

26 years now behind me I feel that I've gained some insight into life's larger questions and mysteries. I could share some of that insight and wisdom with those of you less fortunate, but that's not what this blog is about. This blog is for my Birthday wish list. Take note, people. There are still about 15 shopping hours in the day and UPS overnights.

1. A kid -- You wanna talk about a sneaky wife? I hadn't even made this list and Ella goes snooping around figures out my number one birthday wish and delivers...well not right away, but soon. I've got a keeper!

2. Guitar Hero III for the Nintendo Wii -- Sure, you may say to yourself, how can he put those two back to back? Well, the truth is, if we hadn't just found out we were pregnant, GHIII probably would have beaten out the kid for the number one spot. I mean, come on, the guitar is WIRELESS! What more do you need? But I slid it on down to numero deuce. I thought it would be rude to put a video game above the person I'm trying to name right now, you know?

3. Peace in the Middle East -- I would have said "world peace" but truthfully there are parts of the world that I'm just not that worried about. Besides, I heard Will Smith say this one time on an awards show about twenty years ago (when we knew him as the Fresh Prince) and it sounded so cool I filed it away for later. Well, it's later!

4. A Better Job -- That's really not true. I love the job I have. I would just like it (or one very much like it) to pay better. The cool part is that other than getting a kid (which is pretty much a certainty at this point, have you seen Ella's belly?) this one is the most likely to happen. There is a promotion brewing for this Rogue. I can smell it.

5. To Never Have Hemorrhoids Again -- I'm not sure if it was the universe's early 26 birthday present or if it was just sympathy pains for some of what Ella's going through, but after 25 blissful years with my butt, I got my first hemorrhoid this week. No matter what Sesame Street told you (you didn't see that episode?) H is not for hemorrhoid and they are NOT ANY FUN! Thank God it's gone now, but I'm reading WebMD and rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

6. A Win for the Saints -- Yes, I'm a huge Saints fan, but this definitely falls below no future hemorrhoids. After last years great season, I thought all the talk of curses and superstition were over, but here we are again 0-2 and facing a tough Tennessee team at the dome this Monday night. Since I live in New Orleans now, I have officially become a Voodoo master and I'm throwing good gris gris all over Deuce, Reggie, Brees and Colston this week. Those boys better get it done, or next week the city's chickens are gonna be in deep trouble (see that's a chicken sacrifice joke, there).

7. NBC's New Fall Lineup to Last -- Everybody knows how I feel about "Heroes", "The Office", "My Name is Earl" and "Scrubs". Well, thanks to Cox On Demand, I got to see "The Bionic Woman", "Journeyman" and "Chuck" this week before they actually air. "Bionic Woman" is the one I had the highest hopes for and largely I think it delivers. Just like "Battlestar Gallactica" it takes a show that had a great concept but was really cheesy and turns it into a cool sci-fi drama. "Journeyman" I didn't expect to like, but it was well written, even better acted and shot beautifully. "Chuck", on the other hand, I might actually cry if it doesn't make it. Not only is the concept (geek becomes super spy when nation's secrets are downloaded into his head) awesome, but Zachary Levi is really funny. He sort of reminds me of Zach Braff when "Scrubs" first started. Also Adam Baldwin (from "Firefly" and "Serenity") is in this and if any one in Hollywood deserves a good weekly spot on America's TV sets, it's him. Please, ladies and gentlemen, make it so.

Well, that about does it. Go out pick up those items (not to sure what you can do about the hemorrhoids thing, maybe just send me good thoughts?) or watch those TV shows or whatever it takes to get it done. You don't wanna let the Rogue down on his birthday, do you?

OH! I forgot, one more thing...

8. Life Size Version of Donkey Kong --

The World Premier of Baby Rogue

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the first time anywhere, I give you...

Baby Rogue.












The rumors some of you have been hearing are true. Mr. and Mrs. Rogue are about to have a little Rogue. I don't mean some sort of analogy or metaphor to describe a new idea of ours, I mean in a few months, Ella's going to give birth to a baby. Theoretically, one that belongs to the two of us.

How did this happen, you might ask?

Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very very much, they ask God to send the stork with a little bundle of...

Oh, that's not what you meant by "How did this happen?" Ah hah.

We weren't trying. If you've followed my blogs for very long, you know that Ella and I weren't even sure that we wanted kids. We definitely didn't want any right away. But sometimes, Mother Nature (and faulty birth control pills) has a mind of her own.

The big surprise is how quickly this is all approaching. For the unfamiliar, the average pregnancy is considered "full term" between 37 and 40 weeks, Ella is in her 22nd week. How could we have kept the secret so long, you might be wondering. Well, it was pretty easy since we didn't know ourselves until just more than a week ago. All the "usual signs" that might tip you off that you "got a bun in the oven" had another explanation in our case. Couple that with the fact that we were not only not trying, but actively trying not to get pregnant and we just overlooked what, in retrospect, should have been obvious.

In fact, the only reason we know now is because within two or three days time, Ella had gone from slim and trim to the beginnings of a Buddha belly. Incidentally, at it's current rate of growth, Ella's belly will soon have its own gravitational pull. Since we first noticed (and found out about our bundle of joy) it has almost tripled in size. Whereas a week ago it was barely noticeable, today she looks like this:

So, here we are already halfway done with our first pregnancy. If they're all this easy, I might be able to talk Ella into a half dozen more. On the one hand, we wish that we had the normal amount of time to discuss baby names, plan the nursery, fight with the soon-to-be-grandparents over those aforementioned baby names, etc., but then again, finding out late in the game does have its advantages. For instance, most people wait several months before they know the sex of the baby. We knew within four days. If you're planning on sending gifts, make sure they are blue, 'cause Baby Rogue is a boy.

Another advantage to basically skipping the first half of gestation (I didn't really need to use that word, but I like it so much, I couldn't help myself. It's sad that's not a word we could use more often. Maybe we could use gestation as a slang term for something else, like "I'm tired of his attitude, he's always gestating, like he's better than me." Just a thought) is that we don't have to wait long to meet our little fella. Baby Rogue begins his own adventures (no word yet on whether he'll write about them or not) on or around January 24th of 2008. That's right. I'm officially just over four months away from being somebody's daddy. If that's not a sign of the Apocalypse, I'm not sure what is.

Mrs. Rogue and I are of course, excited, nervous, scared witless, and elated all at the same time. We've got a million things to do, and not a whole lot of time to do them in. The good news is that I now know my retirement is secure. With Ella's good looks, and my (not so) evil genius, it's likely that we are ushering in the next step in human evolution, so all of you should prepare to become obsolete. As the parents of Homo Superior, we will surely be revered and provided for. Fear not, those that lay down their weapons peacefully and surrender to their new leaders will be treated fairly. Resistance is futile, ladies and gentlemen, the Rogue's are taking over.

All About Babies...

**I would like to preface today's blog with the following advisory: Nothing you read below should be used in any way to extrapolate some idea about my (or Mrs. Rogue's) present situation or future goals. We are not pregnant and do not intend to get that way anytime soon. Thank you for your attention. We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog already in progress.**

I'm surrounded by babies.

It seems that literally everywhere I look there are small, round faces covered in some combination of spit and dried cereal paste just waiting for me to smile at them. No, I'm not talking about my volunteering at the Nursing home (nothing like a cheap old-person joke), I'm talking about the fact that everyone I know seems to have completely adorable (if not always totally sanitary) children. (Yes, I am aware that the preceding sentence is a gross exaggeration. Not all of my friends, and definitely not all of my readers have children. Please feel free to accept this as a response to your unsent and unnecessary rebuttal to my misleading and incorrect assertion found above.)

I'm crazy about kids (did the unsanitary comment earlier make you think otherwise?), and cannot wait to have some of my own (this is also patently false. I can, and will, wait). In the meantime I have a handful of loaners that I can borrow for an hour or two from time to time to get my fill of "peek-a-boo" and "this little piggy" (will that last little piggy ever learn life's cruel nature and toughen up?).

It occurred to me the other day (during an excursion northward to see Mama and Papa Rogue) that several of my Junior Fan Club Members are celebrating (or just did, or are about to) milestones and deserve some recognition. What better forum for such praise than this little corner of cyberspace where tens of people come everyday (or as often as I send them a MySpace message) to hear the latest from the desk of the Drunken Rogue?

Without further ado the Rogues (or more appropriately, Roguettes) of Tomorrow:

3. Little Ava celebrates first birthday, and the cementing of her hold over the people of Greater Baton Rouge. -- Ava Gardner was the perfect combination of class and beauty. She captivated movie-goers and A-List movie stars alike. To wear a name with that kind of history takes gumption, and Ava has plenty to spare (requests for Ava's excess gumption should be addressed to her parents). In between meetings with city leaders, Ava managed to squeeze in a small celebration with family and friends where she demolished a lovely birthday cake (I don't mean she ate it quickly, I mean she literally destroyed it. Next year, Mommy and Daddy will make sure to get chocolate). Happy Birthday Ava!

2. Baby Ella celebrates first year with coolest name ever. -- Mrs. Rogue, for those not in the know, has (in my humble opinion) one of the most perfect names ever, Ella. So when her best friend had her first child what other name could possibly do? Florida has gone so far as to implement a mandate that every strikingly beautiful girl baby born there must be named Ella. Cute little boys must accept the title of Ellic (which is as close as they could get it without sounding weird). Other states are expected to follow. Ella the Lesser (lesser here meaning smaller and younger, not in any way less cool) is currently in her studio deeply involved in her "blue phase" creating what many believe to be the pinnacle of the finger-paint medium. When asked for a reflection on her first year as an Ella, she responded, "Gooh guh ga, gaaah go gabble gow." Which, roughly translated means, "I simply stand on the shoulders of giants." Gubbaw ga google, gessl! (Translates to, "Happy Birthday, Ella!)

1. Niece Sara (or Princess Consuela Banana Hammock as Mrs. Rogue likes to call her) says Aunt Ella's name for the first time. -- While her verbal skills currently rank somewhere in the upper 15th percentile of this years College Freshmen, thus far Sara has decided to keep most of that Verbal brilliance bottled up. Not wasting time on sharing her thoughts with the rest of us, she is instead focusing on polishing her first rock opera (entitled, I believe, "Requiem for a Runny Nose") and finishing her soon to be published memoir, "Sara's Pain: The Teething Years". However, as busy as she is, Sara decided that an Aunt as cool as Mrs. Rogue had to be acknowledged as an equal and threw her a "shout-out" on the car ride home with Mommy. There is currently no word on her opinions of this blog. Say it with me now, Sara, Un-cle Ro-gue!