The Drunken Rogue Unplugged

Heroes, and Lost, and Studio 60. Deadwood, Sopranos, Scrubs and The Office. 24, Black Donnellys. These are a few of my favorite things. And they are all about to dry up and blow away. No, not all of them are getting canceled (Studio 60 and the Black Donnellys probably are). I've just had my cable turned off.

This is a big step for me. I knew that planning a trip out of the country in May would mean that I would miss the final episodes of all my favorite shows. It seemed like a small price to pay for seeing the world. I also knew that our impending move would mean that the utilities (and yes, cable TV is a utility in my opinion) would all get shut off sooner or later. I just had originally planned on later.

It makes perfect sense that we cut it off now. We just entered a new billing cycle so instead of paying another $90 for the next four weeks (weeks we'll be spending a large portion of our time packing anyway) we'll pay about $15 and just have to watch DVD's and downloaded shows for the next month. With me in rehearsals every night for "Zorro" it really is the only thing that makes sense. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

It's not just the latest episode of "Boston Legal" that I'll be losing by disconnecting. We also get our Internet connection from our cable company. This may in fact be more painful than the loss of TV. In case you haven't noticed I spend a great deal of time on the Internet. I blog, therefore I am (that's an exaggeration, but if Descartes were alive today, it might also be a famous philosophical musing). What will I do without the Internet?

Probably be a lot more productive and helpful at home. Ella and I are planning for a garage sale (come get your Drunken Rogue paraphernalia!) this weekend and after that we have to pack, both for our trip to Europe and our move to New Orleans. God knows I've got more important stuff to do than goof off online, but the idea that I'm not going to have the option is a little troubling. I still have the Internet at work, so I'll be able to answer emails, post my daily blogs (written in a word processor at home now and uploaded from a memory stick), even check out the occasional pop culture story. But it won't be like it was before. The Drunken Rogue is going into Internet hibernation.

The First Five Things The Drunken Rogue Will Do When He Gets Reconnected

1. Download the entire last season of the Sopranos. -- Tony's back, but only for nine episodes. Anybody could get whacked!

2. Upload the remaining journals from my European excursion. -- If you thought I was interesting when I'm talking about sitting at home watching TV, just wait to I've actually done something. I might just blow your mind.

3. Watch the first season of "Heroes" in a marathon including the last three episodes I will have missed. -- "I'm not a hero. You know whose a hero? Hiro. From "Heroes".

4. Write a blog decrying the shortsighted nature of NBC in canceling (I'm sure it will have happened by then) "Studio 60" Aaron Sorkin's latest drops of genius. -- Ah, Bradley Whitford. I knew him well.

5. Get on a message board and complain about Fox dropping the ball with the promotion and scheduling of "Drive" which will by that time also be cancelled. -- This one's not even on the air yet (Four hour premier event Sunday and Monday night) but it's created by Tim Menear ("Angel", "Wonderfalls", "The Inside" and "Firefly") and stars Nathon Fillion ("Firefly") so I'm guessing they air a total of six episodes (probably out of order) before canning this one. I haven't even seen the show and I'm already mad about it.

The fateful day is Friday. A day that will live in infamy, for at least as long as it takes me to get to New Orleans and hook up the cable down there. I'm trying to store up all the electronic goodness, reading a little extra of all my favorite websites. I've got my rabbit ears on top of the TV already, just waiting to leap into action. But for now, I'm watching "The Price is Right" because if I'm going unplugged I might as well do it with a class act like Bob Barker.

Welcome Back!

This post is not (I promise) an ode to "Welcome Back, Cotter" the seminal 70's TV series that introduced America to John Travolta (or the dancer's Tom Cruise, as I like to refer to him).

This post is also not (I promise) a reversal of my position on Sanjaya (or the blind man's LaToya Jackson as I like to refer to him).

This post is (I think) a hardy "Hello again," to one of my earliest readers and oldest friends. She's been away (raising a girl-child, and earning them big bucks) and unable to keep up with everyone's favorite drunken blogger (that's me!). So everybody say it with me, "Welcome back, Ellie!"

Since the earliest days of the Drunken Rogue (when a juice cup was the beverage of choice), Ellie has been there. She rode shotgun in the wheelbarrow (while Poppa Rogue pushed us around), she was my co-writer on a brilliant stage play we wrote based on a fire-safety pamphlet (I was a creative genius even at eight), and a year ago when I started blogging, she was one of the first in line to check 'em out.

So in addition to a big "thank you" for her return, this is a great opportunity to suggest some great articles to catch up on. (This is the part that not only applies for Ellie, but anybody that isn't up to date with the Drunken Rogue).

The first thing Ellie (and all my beloved readers) should know is that the Drunken Rogue has a new home (not that I'm vacating this one). You can now check out a different side of the Drunken Rogue (with almost no reading whatsoever) at Exclamations of a Drunken Rogue. It's a new-fangled Tumble blog. It's a great way for me to pass along the things that really crack me up throughout the day (and my extensive Internet viewing) to all of you. Visit it, bookmark it, visit it again, and again, and again.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn't remind people to check out Mrs. Rogue's new blog. Ella Finds and Shares, is a whole different world than my Ramblings, but it is just as (if not much more) cool. If you are into design, furniture, fashion, art, or just cool stuff, then Mrs. Rogue will find something that you definitely want to see. Don't forget to input your email at the top right for updates sent right to your email box. (The Preceding was a paid advertisement for "Ella Finds and Shares" the opinions expressed ARE the opinions of the Drunken Rogue and not following the suggestions presented therein, may result in negative consequences for the marriage of the Drunken Rogue. Nobody wants that).

Now for the real meat and potatoes (meat and potatoes here means blogging):

The Drunken Rogue's Favorite Recent Posts

1. I'm Turning Into My Father? Well, There are Worse Things I Could Be...

2. A Drunken Guide to Valentine's Day

3. She's Breathing My Air: Ode to My Baby Sister

4. One Final Bow

5. Just Shut Up and Sing: Fame, Speaking Your Mind and Responsibility

Whoo, sometimes I forget just how good I am (this sentence has absolutely no hubris in it). If you've missed any of this stuff, I strongly suggest it. For those of you that have been around lately, please feel free to suggest some of the recent stuff (last few months) that particularly tickled your funny bone.

Thanks to everybody for reading these things. I enjoy writing them, I enjoy getting your responses, I REALLY enjoy the conversations in the comments, and it means a lot that some people like hearing what I have to say. Thanks, and welcome back.

Once More Unto the Breach Dear Friends, Once More

My interest in Theatre began at the age of twelve. For five years I was constantly involved in one production after another. During my senior year of high school and the start of my freshman year of college I took a break. It lasted about a year and a half. From the Spring of 2000 to the Winter of 2004 again I was continually on stage. Then I took another break. Again my vacation lasted about eighteen months. In the fall of 2005 I performed in a play entitled "Atomic Field." It's been a year and a half since then and I've got the itch.

One of my favorite professors during my college career was Mark Guinn, a man who's friends call him "Rat". Rat is not a man that you say no to. On the contrary, he's a man that as often as possible you follow. If he says "Jump", you have a strong inclination to ask "How high?" He's a professor, director, actor, fighter and about as close to a "wise man" as I've ever come in contact with. When Rat asks for help, you give it.

These two things (my "itch" to act again, and my desire to please Mark Guinn) combined to send me back to the stage. This April and May, you'll see the Drunken Rogue in all his bumbling glory as Sgt. Gonzales in Stone Theatre's Production of "Zorro" by David Richmond and Drew Fracher. It's got romance, humor, suspense, sword fights, bull whips, music and dancing...and that's just the first act.

It's going to be a lot of fun working with some old friends, making new ones, and mostly getting that warm reception from an audience again (we all know I'm a bit of a glory hound). It will also give me an interesting opportunity to describe the rehearsal process for people who might not have been exposed to theatre before.

***Author's Side Note***It ticks me off to no end that FireFox (and MS Word) both label "theatre", my preferred (and completely acceptable) spelling of the word as a typo. Somebody's getting a nasty letter about this.***End Author's Side Note***

Over the next couple of weeks, I'll try to break down some of the steps we take and explain what's going on in the production and what it's like for the actor. I'd tell you what it's like for the director, set designer and the costume crew, but the fact of the matter is I don't know. Also, it goes without saying that any one within driving distance is more than welcome to attend the show. We'll be running from the last week of April through the first week of May. I'll give you more updates when I have them.

It's been a while since I've taken the stage, and longer since I've fought on one. I might be a little rusty, but don't think for a minute that I don't still have what it takes. The Drunken Rogue is back in the spotlight, and loving every minute of it.

Behind the Bustier: The True Story of Anna Nicole Smith

Today, America has lost a paragon of class. One of our most talented actor/dancer/producer/marryer has died today. I'm speaking of course of Anna Nicole Smith Marshall (enter new last name here). The little stripper that could rose from obscurity to fabulous wealth, and then used that wealth to eradicate all doubt that she had any sense or style whatsoever.

Some may know her from her more mature titles produced by Hugh Hefner and Playboy Enterprises. Others may know her from her inexcusably popular television program on E! Entertainment Television. Others may know her simply as that fat blond chick that did the commercials for the weight loss pills. Many children know her as the demon that haunts their dreams. The undeniable fact is that Anna Nicole made an impression on us, and at her size, how could she not?

In an odd twist of fate (eerily reminiscent of James Brown's death) this intrepid reporter had recently sat down for an exclusive interview with Anna Nicole. In mammary...excuse me in memory of her, we present that interview below.

Drunken Rogue: Hello, Anna. Thanks for joining us today.

Anna Nicole: No problem. I didn't have nothin' to do between my fried chicken dinner and eating half a bottle of Trimspa, so it's no trouble.

DR: Umm, I don't think you're supposed to gorge and then take those pills, Anna. And I'm positive you're not supposed to take so many of them.

AN: Naw, it's okay. That's how I keep my figure.

At this point Anna began rubbing her gargantuan belly in a a suggestive fashion. It might have been uncomfortable for me, but her hand left little grease trails on her blouse. That just made it nasty.

DR: Anna, let's talk about your late husband.

AN: He's not late. I didn't even know you wanted him here for the interview.

DR: No, Anna. I mean your dead husband.

AN: Oh, him. He was always late. It's probably 'cause he was in that wheelchair, you know. Sorta made it hard for him to get around fast. Also, there's the fact that he was old. He was like 100 or something.

DR: How did you two meet?

AN: Well, I was a member of his Bridge club, and we just loved to play cards and tell jokes.

DR: Really?

AN: Naw, I'm just pulling your leg. He was a crusty old pervert that liked to come watch me shake my moneymaker.

DR: Did he love you?

AN: I don't know. I'd like to think so. I know he loved soup. But then, I'm not really that much like soup.

DR: You are thick.

AN: What?

DR: Nothing. How did it make you feel after his death when his family tried to cut you out of his estate?

AN: Well, I never fit in in that family. They were all interested in the stock market and oil futures, and I liked pink pillows and peek-a-boo tops. There was no way they were ever going to let me get my hands on his money. That's why I pursued them.

DR: Pursued them?

AN: Yeah, took 'em to court.

DR: Oh, you mean "sued" them. Yes, of course. Anna after your husband's death you actually increased your fame with a very popular and completely idiotic television show. How did that get started?

AN: COMPLETELY idiotic? Wow, that means a lot coming from someone like you, thanks. Well, I had cameras installed in my apartment ever since J. Marshall died. I was dating a lot of old geezers at the time, and if one of them kicked it while we were...well, playing patty-cake...then I wanted proof that I hadn't killed 'em.

DR: Pretty smart.

AN: Yeah, people think I'm stupid. Well, I'm stupid like a fox.

DR: I don't think that's the expression.

AN: So one day when I was leaving the house I noticed there were like fifteen people huddled in the security guard booth, all of them just laughing their heads off...well, not literally, but they were laughing a lot. Turns out they were watching the security camera video from the night before. I was watching an episode of Jeopardy, and yellin' answers at the screen. I don't what they thought was so funny, but I immediately realized that this was what my fans needed. They needed to see me in my elements.

DR: Surrounded by pervy old men?

AN: What?

DR: Nothing. So that's where you got the idea for the show, huh?

AN: Actually in the beginning I wanted to a whole network, like that movie "The Jim Carrey Show."

DR: You mean "The Truman Show"?

AN: No, it was Jim Carrey in that movie. I don't even know any actors named Truman.

DR: Anna, I'm afraid our time is just about up. Is there a parting thought you'd like to leave my readers with?

AN: Yeah, the next time you take your clothes out of the dryer, remember to clean out that little hole in the front that fills up with fuzzy stuff. I don't know where it comes from, but if you leave it in there long enough it'll catch on fire.

DR: I don't think I could have summed it up any better myself, Anna. Thanks for your time.

AN: Hey, on your way out will you bring me a piece of pizza out of the fridge? Oooh, and my toenail polish. It's on the counter.

There, ladies and gentlemen, some of the last final public words from one of America's national treasures. Anna Nicole, you will be missed.

From the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue: The Rogue Goes on Forever

It's another Golden Oldie from the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue. As we look forward to 2007 and what it has in store for us, I'm taking a look back, at some excellent blog posts that some of you may have missed. In today's installment I bring you a look at the Rogue family tree as we examine...

The Rogue Goes on Forever: Drunken Rogues Through History

While I carry the Drunken Rogue name with pride, even occasionally referring to myself as "The Original Drunken Rogue," the Rogue has always been with us. From the moment the Sumerians invented beer, and then realized you could eat the by-product (they called it bread), there have always been those who had special powers. What powers you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but I'm telling you anyway)

1. The Power to Consume Liquor in Any Form -- While lesser men have a preference of beverages, "I'm a beer man." or "Only whiskey for me." or "Give me the fruity one, with the umbrella," the Rogue cares not what manner of delivery the alcohol chooses. Mixed, malted, or straight from the bottle it's all the same to the Rogue.

2. Powerful Charisma - This is what separates the Drunken Rogue from the town drunk (notice, there is no capitalization there). It's one thing to be a drunk, it's quite another to have a love for drink in addition to other great personality traits.

3. The Power of Flight - It's something I've kept secret, but now I feel it's important to reveal. You didn't know I could fly, did you? History tells you that Ben Franklin discovered electricity flying a kite, but NONSENSE! He was just plain flying. (I suppose this perceived power of flight might merely be a hallucination brought on by the alcohol, but nah. We can probably fly.)

Today we honor some of the greatest:

Drunken Rogues Through History

1. Noah - Yes, the one righteous man on the earth in his time, the man God chose to become the new father of the world, the guy who spent 120 years building an ark and collecting two of every animal (but curiously forgot the freakin' unicorn), also happened to be a Drunken Rogue. Shortly after surviving the flood, and being blessed by God with the first rainbow, Noah built himself a vineyard. He had a little too much wine in celebration and ended up falling down naked. Incidentally this whole escapade (and the subsequent cursing of his son, Ham, because he didn't help him) has been used for a few millennia to justify slavery. Oops. But you know, he got the ark right.

2. Benjamin Franklin - Other than the above mentioned anecdote of his flying discovery of electricity, we also have his drinking to thank for our independence. He and John Adams were getting loaded one night, and as he peeled the label on his current bottle of ale, he spotted the tax stamp. It sent him into a drunken rage, "To hell with Britain. Who are they to charge a half pence more for a pint of beer? Let's declare independence." That my friends was on July 2nd. One of the greatest quotes about our favorite barley beverage (and a personal motto of mine) comes from Ben, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

3. Winston Churchill - one of the most prodigious drinkers in history, and the reason the British don't currently speak German. Coincidence? I think not. I also think it worth pointing out that the second World War pitted a serious drinker (Churchill) against a serious teetotaler, or non-drinker (Hitler). Again, you see whose on the right side, here. Churchill's quotes about drinking are numerous and funny enough to deserve their own post (light bulb goes on), but here's one of my favorites, "My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them." He also famously quipped, "(I've) taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me," right on, Winston, right on.

4. W.C. Fields - Like Fatty Arbuckle before him (without the scandalous end of his career) W.C. Fields built a career and an empire on his drunkedness (yep, that's a word). It didn't hurt that he was terribly funny. My personal favorite Fields quote, "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snake bite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake." Advice to live your life by.

5. Frank Sinatra - While Humphrey Bogart had made the drinking lifestyle cool in the movies, Sinatra turned it into an art form. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Frank Sinatra. His hard living, and carousing cost him several marriages, but it also brought him a smooth velvety voice and some of the best pals a guy could have, one of which even makes this list.

6. Dean Martin - Compared to Dino, Sinatra was an amateur drinker. While some critics have claimed that in his stage show, Martin drank apple juice and pretended it was liquor, this is nonsense. Dino would be ashamed. As Dean would often remark to his partners in crime, "You're not drunk, if you can lay on the floor without holding on." In Rio Bravo, one of John Wayne's greatest westerns, Martin played Dude, otherwise known as Borachan, or "drunk" in Spanish. Great character, great movie, great drunk.

So now you know some great examples of Drunken Rogue's through history, but who lines up on the other side of the fence? Let's see.

A List of Prominent Teetotalers

1. Heinrich Himmler - German Nazi, Head of the SS

2. Adolf Hitler - German Nazi Leader, one of the single largest murderers in the history of the human race.

3. Osama Bin Laden - Terrorist, figure head of al-Qaeda, bad dresser

4. Vladimir Putin - Current President of Russia, stealer of civil liberties

5. John Mayer - American Pop Singer, guilty of passing off rhythmic farts as music, false leader of young people

You don't want to be like those guys, do you? I didn't think so. For drinking lessons, or for more humorous alcohol quotes, meet me at the local bar, or any bar (if you're paying).

***Lawyer's Note*** The opinions expressed herein are solely those of the author and reflect neither the beliefs of Hookem, Catchem, and Skinem or Drunken Rogue Publishing. Any ill effects due to following the lifestyle prescribed herein (liver damage, traffic violations, falling on your face) are solely the responsibility of the guilty party. Drunken Rogue Publishing neither condones, nor appreciates excessive drinking. Please Drink Responsibly, and don't sue us...or him...on second thought, feel free to sue him... but not us.***End Lawyer's Note***

From the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue: Who the Hell is the Drunken Rogue?

As the New Year approaches, I've decided to highlight some of my earlier pieces in a series I'm calling "From the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue." Today however it occurs to me that the piece I wanted to repost today is not very good. So forget that.

In early March of 2006 A.D. (for those that worried about what epoch I was referring to), I embarked on a new experiment. The result of that experiment is this blog (and the makings of a book as well). The first post was what I intended to give you today, but as mentioned earlier it's just not good. So instead I contemplated what I would write as an introduction to the blog if I was just starting today. Taking into account all I've learned over the last year, my viewpoint, execution and punctuation are all vastly improved. So here now, for the first time ever:

Who the Hell is the Drunken Rogue?

The path of the Drunken Rogue is one that I didn’t embark on lightly. It was only after a significant period of self-reflection and ingestion of various purative agents that I decided to take on the mantle of “Drunken Rogue.” I had previously held the title (or nom de plume as the Germans would have it) “The Inebriated Scallywag.” It was definitely a promotion for me, but was I selling out?

Eventually my pride (and the persistence of my creditors) pushed me to pursue a higher position and more consistent (ie. existent) compensation. So it was with a heavy heart (and an empty pocket) that I took on the persona of “The Drunken Rogue”.

If I had remembered that my three year contract as the “Inebriated Scallywag” was not yet expired, I might have thought better of it. I owed some three hundred dollars and change as an early termination penalty. Damn fine print. It will be sometime in my third year as “The Drunken Rogue” when I finally break even.

I said all that to say this, I’m glad to be here and look forward to an interesting (and possibly enlightening) journey. As a reader you have a million different places to seek entertainment, education, and environmentally friendly dissertations. But nowhere else on this great digital page called the internet will you find those things from me. As a writer I’ve only got this one place that will print my stuff. Now we both know why we are here, that makes things a lot clearer. Ah, the introductions:

Who is the Drunken Rogue?

The Drunken Rogue is more than a man, it’s an idea. Realistically, I have no idea what difference it makes but poetically that sounds better.

But who are you?

The aforementioned Drunken Rogue, a humble servant of the words. But on a personal level, I’m a writer who moonlights (or would that be daylights) as a DJ. I’m married (and ridiculously in love with) a beautiful woman, and am contemplating a retreat to Europe (I hear that’s where the history comes from).

Why do we care what you have to say?

Sure, there are others with more experience, expertise, foresight, afterthought, imagination, ability and, without a doubt, talent. But those people are only pretenders. You are a discerning reader, one who can cut through the surface levels of nonsense and see the true uselessness that lies within. That, my friends, has brought us together. Because doubtlessly, no one oozes uselessness like me.

What are you going to write about?

My articles (or exposés as the Koreans refer to them) will deal with a broad range of the most intellectual stimulating subjects. From the events of the day, to modern and classical politics. From ancient history and philosophical discussions of the origin, purpose and meaning of life to treatise on the symbology of American football. Mostly I’ll write humor pieces.

How can I get more of your writing?

That’s the problem with true genius. Once you’ve tasted it, a habit is likely to form. Fear not, the Drunken Rogue has foreseen this problem and has decided to write for a full year before ever publishing this letter of introduction. Now you’re so far behind on reading his brand of wisdom that you’ll no doubt never completely catch up. That means that, for you, there is always something new to read. Kind of me isn’t it. You can thank me later for now leave me some kudos.