Welcome, one and all, to the first annual Roguies. 'Tis the time of year for honoring those that don't deserve it, and I wanted in on all the fun. While the Oscars limit themselves to films, the Emmy's only award television programs, and the Grammy's only award (what passes these days for) music, The Roguies can be awarded to just about anyone (or anything for that matter). Because the categories are so broad, the Roguie is considered by many (just me really) to be the highest award achievable by mankind (the previous sentence is the definition of hyperbole). Without further ado, here are the nominees for our first award.
"Outstanding Achievement in Jerkitude/Jerk of the Year":
Joel's Former Boss in "My Big Fat Mean Boss"
Vice President Dick Cheney in "To Mistake My Buddy for a Mockingbird"
Deposed Dictator Saddam Hussein in "Hang 'Em High"
Steve Jobs in "No Price too High"
A lot of people were surprised with Osama Bin Laden falling off this years nominee list, but he hasn't made any threatening public statements in a while, and Joel's former Boss really made an impression on this year's voters. Let's see who takes this one home.
The "Jerk of the Year" Award goes to... Steve Jobs. Accepting now, Steve Jobs. "I just have to say, that being in such company really means a lot to me. You look at that panel of nominees and we're talking about some of the biggest jerks of all-time, so I knew I was the underdog going in. How did I get here? Well, the important part was that I started by making a device that everybody really, really wanted. Then I just charged a completely exorbitant price for it. I had a lot of help. My competitors could have come out with similar devices at more reasonable prices, but they just rolled over, which is why I'm standing here tonight. Thank you, and look forward to the next big announcement from Apple, the iToilet!
"Best Supporting Wife"
Bill Clinton in "Ex-Presidents Don't Cry"
Katie Holmes-Cruise in "Mmmhmmhmhm mm Hmmhmh: (Scientology is Stupid **Translated through her gag**)
Posh Spice in "Other People's Money"
Mrs. Rogue in "Stand By Your Blogger"
And the award goes to...this is a shocker! Mrs. Rogue. Accepting on her behalf is the Drunken Rogue. "My wife would have been here, but she neither acknowledges the Roguies as real awards nor humors me. She works very hard putting up with not only my eccentricities at home, but my ego-centric ramblings online. Thank you for this award, and don't forget to check out those ego-centric ramblings at either DrunkenRogue.blogspot.com or MySpace!"
"Best Talentless Celebrity":
Paris Hilton in "Airhead"
Pauly Shore in "The Kato Kaelin Story"
Paula Adbul in "Fear and Judging in Hollywood"
Britney Spears in "What's Brains Got to Do With It"
And the Award for "Best Talentless Celebrity" goes to...Britney Spears. Accepting is Britney's spiritual adviser, Lindsey Lohan. "Uhmm, Britney wanted to be here for herself, but she is aboriginally busy right now being a mother and finding her next deadbeat ex-husband. Tonight as she hits all the hot spots and the bestest clubs, I'm sure she is condomplating all of you, and honorarying your acknonneration of her by not wearing underwear. Britney is like my ible and you couldn't have found a more deserving, less talented celebrity. Thanks you."
"Best Picture Likely to Get Shafted by the Academy Awards Despite Millions of People Nationwide Recognizing it's Greatness" goes to...
"The Departed" from Martin Scorcese. Accepting for "The Departed" is Martin Scorcese. "Wow, you know you work hard on a film that you care about, hoping, praying that it'll be acknowledged, and then you get an award like this that makes you realize that's just never going to happen. I have so many people to thank, but let me just start with Mel Gibson. Mel, if it weren't for your tremendous film "The Passion of the Christ" and it's complete snubbing, this category might not even exist. So, thank you for taking your lumps so I can stand here today. I'd also like to thank my agent, for continually getting my hopes up only to allow me to spiral into depression year after year, I don't know what I'd do without you. And to my wonderful cast, the good news is the Academy only hates me, so you might actually win something."
The "Lifetime Achievement Award for Usefullness" goes to...Joel's Remote Control Finger. Accepting for Mr. Finger is Joel. "I can't begin to tell you all what this means to Finger. For his peers to acknowledge the hard work that he's put in over the years, like this...Well, it's touching. I know he would have loved to have been here tonight, but he's in training in preparation for February Sweeps. Thank you, and may all of us work as hard, and love our job as much as My Remote Control Finger!"
"Fictional Character Joel Would Most Likely Trade His Real Friends For" the nominees are:
Hiro from "Heroes"
Alan Shore from "Boston Legal"
Al Swearingen from "Deadwood"
Jack Bauer from "24"
And the award goes to...Oh my! Mr. Swearingen has accosted Alan Shore. He's screaming obscenities at him for "messing with his girl". Now Agent Bauer is getting involved...He...Oh my God! He's got a gun, he's shot Al, and is turning the gun on Mr. Shore. He's shot him, but wait! There were two shots, Bauer is falling too. Denny Crane has killed Jack Bauer! Where the heck is Hiro? Oh...he's teleported to the podium and is accepting the award. "I want fank you for this awaad. Though a Hero needs no wecognition, I glad to get this awaad. Now, I must get to mission. Goodbye Captain Kirk!"
Ladies and gentlemen, there we are another exciting and action-packed Roguie's Award Ceremony. Join us again next year for more of the best Joel has to offer.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Roguies: The Drunken Rogue Awards
Monday, January 29, 2007
Much Ado About a Horse...and a Big Pile of Money
I love horses. They are graceful, regal, beautiful, powerful creations of God, strong enough to literally crush our puny forms, but gentle enough to be handled (and led) by a child. A galloping herd of horses is one of the most iconic American images. We associate the horse with strength, speed, freedom, virility, and nobility. I think I've made my point sufficiently, we place a high importance and value on the horse, perhaps only second to the dog (who in modern America is sometimes prized above our children). But at the end of the day we have to remember that it's just a horse.
For those that don't know, Barbaro (the winner of the last Kentucky Derby) was euthanized this morning. The past eight months have been filled with surgery after surgery, procedure after procedure, all in the hopes of healing Barbaro, sort of.
See, Barbaro, as a Kentucky Derby winner, and one of the most celebrated horses in recent memory, was worth quite a lot of money. Sure there's the prize money, and betting on the races, but far greater than the payoff of either of those was the possibility of breeding him. Studding Barbaro out would have resulted in a ridiculous amount of money for his owners. They also would have been able to purchase or trade for at least a few of his offspring resulting in a whole new generation of race wins and eventual breeding fees. He was their golden goose.
Barbaro's accident put all that into jeopardy. You would think, in today's scientifically inclined society, that the owners could just use some...artificial means to breed him, but (in a very blue-blood twist) race horses bred artificially are not worth NEARLY as much as one concieved the old fashioned way.
Let's all take a moment to consider this. Barbaro, a magnificent animal was forced to undergo painful procedures and difficult surgeries for the last eight months, in the hopes that he'd eventually be able to stand on his hind legs so he could breed, making obscene piles of money for his owners. This is (in my opinion) the definition of inhumane.
Saying goodbye to a pet (or any animal) is a difficult thing. We care about them, they are our friends, our companions, and our responsibility. When their suffering becomes great, and their hope of recovery slim, we have to give up our friend, and let go. Most of us have probably had a dog or cat put to sleep. It's not an easy decision to make. But it is the right decision. To do otherwise is selfish, especially when cloaked in the disguise of "caring for the animal". I have no doubt that Barbaro's owners loved him, as race fans all over the world did. It must have been hard watching his injury and his obvious distress as he lay on the track. It would have been hard to tell the doctor to end his suffering, but if there weren't literally millions of dollars riding on those injured hind legs, wouldn't they have done just that?
What happened to Barbaro in the past eight months has been a travesty. It's sad, it's a little disgusting, and it's mostly just wrong. I for one, am glad it's over.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
What are You Doing With Your Six Hours?
Well, what ARE you doing?
First off, let me apologize for yesterday's apparently ill-conceived "Drunken Idle" contest. It has since occurred to me that informing people that when they comment on your blog, you will ridicule them for your own entertainment and the entertainment of others is probably not the best way to get people to comment. Thanks however go to the brave few who did.
I have (barring weekends) six hours of every day that is my own. I get off work (and most people do) at roughly six o'clock. Some of you get off at five but if you figure commuting/grocery shopping on the way home etc., you end up at home and own your time at about 6pm. To get a good night sleep, I need to be at least headed to bed somewhere in the neighborhood of midnight. Again, I think that's probably pretty standard. Most people watch the late news, maybe a few minutes of Letterman or Leno and then drift off to slumbertown.
The mornings are pretty much filled with getting dressed, making coffee, letting the dog out (that's not some figurative allusion to something else, I mean actually letting my canine out of the house to pee), helping Ella get ready for her day, and then heading to work. Again, I am assuming (and we all know my track record on that) that most of you do the same.
So that leaves me (and most of you) six hours from 6pm until midnight that we get to program for ourselves. That's a little depressing isn't it. Most of us (if we are lucky) we'll work from the time we are in our early twenties until we are in (at least) our sixties so that we can enjoy the fruits of those labors for six hours every day. I find that putting a number on it like that keeps the idea fresh in my mind. No matter what I am doing, in the back of my head, I'm thinking, "Is this is a wise use of my six hours?"
I first formulated this thought about a month ago, but the concept of time (and our limited quantity of it) has always been one of my main worries. Do you remember when you were a child, and the wait between Christmases or birthdays, or even until the final bell of the school day seemed like an eternity? Then as we get older it seems not only days, but years rush by. The phenomenon actually seems (at least for me) to speed up for every year that I live. Why is that?
My older brother and I were discussing this one night, and he told me how he had come to understand it: When you are young, a year or two (or four or five) is the entirety of your experience. Therefore every day is a significant fraction of your lifetime. But everyday that you live is another day to add to the balance, therefore lessening the value (fraction-wise) of each individual day.
Let me put it this way: Today is less of your life than yesterday was, tomorrow will be even less. It's not that time is speeding past us, but that we are reevaluating our understanding of time by experiencing more of it.
Did I blow your mind? Take a moment, I'll wait here until you're ready.
Everybody with us now? Alright.
That brings us back to the six hours. Every evening when you come home from work, you have the same amount of time available to you that you did yesterday, but for you it will past faster. This inherently makes each evening more valuable than the one before it. If people would really consider this idea, not just listen and move on, but genuinely weigh the merits of it, internalize it and make it their own, the world would be a drastically different place.
So what am I gonna do with my six hours? Probably watch some TV, make sure I see my friends as much as possible, love my wife, call my family, and share some of my brain droppings here on the internet. Also, I'm going to take a long hard look at what I'm doing with the other eighteen hours. Sure, I can't really get away with dropping the sleep time or cutting out bathing, but I can ensure that I never hold a job I despise, or one that doesn't value me and my six hours as much as I do. This is where we (those of us that understand the problems of time) can make a difference in the world. Let us pursue the things that we ought to pursue. Not another dollar (although money is important, and can make those six hours at the end of the day much more enjoyable), but a balanced life. One where our time spent with family and friends, with games and laughter is just as important to us (more important really) than the time we are on the clock. Let us find employment that lifts us up, sending us home for those six hours excited about life, rather than downtrodden by it.
It's a tall order, but we can do it. We do have to start trying, though. We're running out of time.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Drunken Idle: A New Kind of Reality Show
I have completely underestimated American's (and the occasional immigrant's) desire to appear on national television. As someone who disavowed reality TV completely until last season's "American Idol," I had assumed that the fruit-loops that would appear in the audition promo's were the exception not the rule. I knew thousands of people auditioned every year for the singing competition (and the dozens of knock-off programs), but I assumed that the vast majority of those thousands were like me. Sure, they can carry a tune, but there is no real star potential. Well, we all know what happens when we assume (it has to do with making something out of you and me, ass-u-me, get it?).
The sixth season of "American Idol" is underway, to huge ratings I might add, but so far the talent level is considerably lacking. The "decent but not spectacular" singers are few and far between, the "great undiscovered talent" is almost non-existent, and the "train wreck-horrible" singers are coming out in droves. These people must know that they have less than no talent. I refuse to believe that all of them have gone through life blissfully unaware of their shortcomings, and yet week in and week out they open up their mouths and humiliate themselves on national television.
Why? What compels these poor, lost, tragically tone-deaf souls to submit themselves to humiliation at the hands of Simon Cowell? Are people really THAT hungry for fifteen minutes of fame? 'Cause if that's the case, surely an intelligent fellow like myself can use that burning desire in the hearts of suckers...I mean my fellow human beings, to my benefit.
Now, you can't really have a singing competition through a blog. Sure, I could get you to all upload audio clips of your melodious voices, but first off you're not likely to do it, and besides, I don't want to subject myself to anymore bad singing. So, here's how we play "Drunken Idle"! (You see how I changed the spelling for humorous social commentary, as well as to further avoid legal problems?)
You post a comment below, telling me why you think you should be the next (or first, technically) "Drunken Idle". I will then belittle you (all in good taste, I promise) using both your profile picture and your original comment (as well as any personal stuff I can think of) as ammo. Of course it's possible that you might not want to submit yourself for public ridicule, but judging by the millions that have auditioned (badly) for the above mentioned program I think we'll get at least a few responses.
What will you win? What, the notoriety of being the "Drunken Idle" isn't enough for you? Pish-Posh! Alright, here's the deal. If you are crowned the next (or technically the first) "Drunken Idle" you will arise from the ranks of the nameless hundreds of Joel's friends to the coveted (and currently occupied by my loving spouse) Number 1 friend spot. From this lofty vantage point you can look down on those less fortunate (and less talented) than yourself, as well as become the envy of literally dozens across the internet. In addition to the Numero Uno spot, the winner of "Drunken Idle" will become the subject of one praise-filled blog. Since my blog is probably like the 4,934,125th most popular blog on MySpace, you can see the notoriety that this exposure could gain you. If there weren't literally dozens of you lined up to participate before the prize announcement, I know there are now.
3. I didn't sweeten the pot enough.
4. Some fourth thing, that I can't currently think of, is keeping you people from responding.
So, let's up the ante. Not only will the winner of the inaugural edition of "Drunken Idle" win the coveted "1 Top Friends Spot" (in my heart and on MySpace) but they will also recieve a blog written just about them. Their grace/beauty/intelligence/originality/startling resemblance to Mussilini will be outlined in great detail for all my readers. I don't want to overexaggerate, but for some of you this may be your only shot at immortality. So, what do you say? Let's get those comments flowing.***UPDATE***After a suitable amount of time for entries (and humorous comments from me), we'll put the finalists to vote, and announce the winner. So let's go, people. Let's crown our "Drunken Idle". Submit yourself for approval (and humorous taunting) below.
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Drunken Rogue's Official Position on Children, Pets, and Other Shiftless Lay-Abouts
There is a problem of epic proportions rampaging across our country. While you and I, the hard-working, tax-paying, law-abiding citizens of this country, go about our daily lives, there are interlopers among us. These ne'er-do-well's feed off our inherent generosity, and selflessness. Neither carrying their own weight, nor apologizing for their short-comings these worthless souls further drain our already beleaguered system. Soon, their sloth will topple not only our country, but Western Civilization as we know it. If they are not exposed and expunged immediately I am afraid we can kiss more than four thousand years of hard work goodbye.
Standing against these enemies of productivity is not a popular position. One of their natural traits is "cute-ness" which generally renders men and women sympathetic to their "needs." I (with years of training) have developed an immunity to their wiles and am therefore able to call the proverbial spade a spade. It's time that these kids got jobs.
When was the last time you saw a toddler doing anything remotely productive for society as a whole? What medical breakthroughs or scientific discoveries can we lay at the feet of child researchers? Did a baby ever create a great work of art? No! Their only function seems to be eating, sleeping, and pooping. All the while requiring attention and assistance from older (more productive) members of society. Not only are they not a positive influence on the economy, they are literally dragging us down. It must be stopped.
Not far behind children on the list of societal drains are our pets. If you had a friend that lived in your home, ate your food, abused your furniture and possessions, and deposited his waste products in a box with the expectation that you would remove those for him, all the while providing no income to the household, and often ignoring your direct requests for him to do/not do something, how long would you let him stay? Would you pay his medical bills when he got sick? Or would you tell him to get off his keister and start helping out? Why do we expect reciprocation from our human friends, but have no problem being abused and used by our "furry friends"? I call them "furry fiends"!
It saddens me to say that the fault for the continuation of these abuses lies primarily with us. For once, I am completely sure that we are not the most intelligent form of life on the planet. The common house cat has that honor. Not only does he live at our expense, but we don't even expect him to come when we call. The dog doesn't pull his own weight, but at least he has the decency to act like we are the master. The cat not only takes our handouts, but is rude in demanding them. The "affection" and "companionship" that he provides (so often used as an excuse for keeping these filthy beast around) is given on his terms, and his alone.
How much longer must we labor while others enjoy the fruits of those labors? Let us unite and cry out with one voice in the words of John Smith (savior of Jamestown) "He who does not work, shall not eat...nor shall he have cool toys."
***Lawyer's Note: This article is a work of parody, and should not be construed to suggest that babies, children, or animals be forced to work. Hookem, Catchem, and Skinem (legal representatives for Drunken Rogue Publications) knows better than most that child labor is neither practical nor legal...or moral, and besides dogs and cats don't even have opposable thumbs. How much work could they really get done? The author is merely using the absurd idea that children should work for themselves as the theme for a humorous (not really) rant. Any legal action taken against Joel or Drunken Rogue Publications as a result of this article will fail because we've sufficiently covered our (and his) butts. So don't even try it.
As always, hate mail and death threats may be sent to Hookem, Catchem and Skinem 5000 Crooked Road Way, Sharksville, LA. End Lawyer's Note***
The Drunken Rogue's Guide to Disappointment
The Drunken Rogue's life story reads like the story of Napoleon, without the shortness, or the loss to Russia, and the final imprisonment and exile. What I mean, is that my life is one victory after another. But just because I'm not a loser, doesn't mean that I can't understand the plight of losers. I do indeed feel your pain (even if I've never undergone it). For those that were devastated by the New Orleans Saints loss yesterday (or those suffering a more personal, and pitiful loss) I've decided to favor you with a step by step guide to eliminating disappointment.
1. Admit Defeat - Before you can begin the healing process, you have to realize that you have, in fact, been knocked on your butt. It happens (not to me, but to a lot of people). Admit that you have been bested in the game of life, accept your position on the bottom of the totem pole, and then plot the destruction of those above you.
2. Drown your Sorrows - Is my name the Drunken Rogue? Yes. Would I condone the drinking of intoxicating beverages as a relief for sorrow (especially for those of my audience that are underaged)? Never. No, we are not talking about liquor, here. I only mean that you should find something to dilute your suffering. For some that might be chocolate milk. Others may find solace in a big bowl of chicken soup. Some may indeed find relief at the bottom of the bourbon bottle. To each his own. The important thing is that you over indulge in something that comforts you...and don't blame me for the results.
3. Declare your Intentions - There is nothing that screams confidence and comeback like a declaration of ambitions. If you are (as I am) a media darling, you could call a press conference. For the lesser-known among you perhaps you could draft a manifesto and send it to your local newspaper. One might even pirate local airwaves to broadcast the start of your new revolution (again, The Drunken Rogue is NOT responsible legally for your incarceration if you are caught). The important thing is that you put the words out there. "I have fallen, but I will rise again." Also, it helps if you have a cause. Think the plight of the working man, or the inherent unfairness of the two party political system. You should definitely stay away from pansy causes like the environment or animal rights. Nobody would take THAT revolution seriously.
4. Fire an Opening Shot - When we speak of "Opening Shot's", we are speaking figuratively. While they are sometimes literal shots (ie. the "Shot heard 'round the world" that started the American Revolution). It could just as easily be some smack talk on your blog targeted at those that put you down in the first place (this would probably be significantly safer for most of you). The importance of this "opening shot" can not be underestimated. Let's face it, you're a loser. Those that are currently your betters don't even know that you are still around. You've got to poke them to get their attention. You might as well make it hurt.
5. Take over Europe - Sure, it may seem a little over ambitious, but if we have learned anything from history, it's that Europe will fold under any attacker. Just ask Hitler, Napoleon, Charlemagne, The Turks, Marcus Aurelius, Alexander the Great, or any French person (not because they've conquered Europe, but because they are very familiar with surrender), there is no quicker way to get into the history books than taking over Europe. Own your own continent and THEN they'll take you seriously.
Now, students, thus ends the reading for the day. Go and do likewise. You losers!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Insanity Episode III: Revenge of the Who-Dats
The Drunken Rogue, fresh off his defeat of the LD is back with a complete look at the Conference Championship round of the NFL Playoffs. So, sit back, relax, and let's take a look at the who, what, where, and how of these colossal games.
What? There's still football left to play? Please tell me I won't have to watch any next week. Actually, you won't. They take a week off between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl (Feb. 4). So, this is like almost the last weekend of actual games you'll have to sit through. But then there's the pre-game coverage of the Super Bowl, and then the game itself, then post-game coverage, then post-season highlights, then the Pro-Bowl, then pre-draft coverage then the draft, then mini-camp coverage, then training camp coverage...well. You get the idea.
So, who's even still in it? Haven't like 28 teams been beaten already? Yes, as a matter of fact. The latest to get knocked out were the Baltimore Ravens, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Seattle Seahawks, and the San Diego Chargers. Happy offseason guys! The teams still in the hunt for the Super Bowl are the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots from the AFC and the Chicago Bears and the New Orleans Saints from the NFC.
Haven't you been picking who would win these games? Were you right about any of them? I have indeed been picking the games. So far I am a respectable 4-4. This is harder than it looks. It's an art people.
So, who's playing this week? Against all odds (and Joel's picks) the Indianapolis Colts have managed to knock off two opponents and have fought their way to a matchup against their rivals the New England Patriots. The New Orleans Saints, just one year removed from the Hurricane Katrina disaster, have surprised everyone by making it to the Conference Championship game for the first time in franchise history. This Sunday they face the Chicago Bears.
Now, let's look at these games.
The New England Patriots vs. The Indianapolis Colts -- Peyton Manning has a monkey on his back. No, not his less talented brother Eli, the fact that he has a reputation for losing the big game. Especially when that game is against Tom Brady, and the New England Patriots. This is the first time in the history of the AFC that the Championship game has been played in a domed stadium (the RCA Dome in Indianapolis). That would seem to favor Indy, but then again the Patriots are undefeated in playoff games contested in a dome. I literally could use "rock, paper scissors" to pick this game, but I'm hoping for...Indianapolis Colts
The New Orleans Saints vs. The Chicago Bears -- The Bears have an amazing defense that swallows teams whole. They have the single best kick returner in the league who, just this year, broke the record for returns for touchdowns in a season (6). The game will be played on their field in Chicago. It will be cold, and possibly snowy. But, they also have the most wildly inconsistent Quarterback currently playing in the NFL. New Orleans will be out of their element, away from the city and state that is literally on fire with love for them. They will be thousands of miles from home in unfavorable conditions drastically different than what they are used to. The high tomorrow is 31 degrees. There is a significant chance of snow, with possible accumulation. I got news for you, it don't matter. These Saints are not your Daddy's Saints. Heck, they're not even last year's Saints, and tomorrow afternoon they get it done. New Orleans Saints
So there it is. It's been a wonderful football season so far, and I can't wait for the finish. Who-Dat?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Legendary Diarrhea
Catchy title isn't it?
We've all heard the stories (or maybe some of you haven't, I run with a pretty foul crowd) of diarrhea so heinous it seems to defy the laws of physics and anatomy. Some never think much about it at all (it is sorta gross after all). Others write it off as an urban myth, like the alligator in the sewers of New York (but it really happened to my sister's boyfriend's roommate from college!). But some, a proud and watchful few, know it to be real. I'm speaking of the Legendary Diarrhea.
Dear readers, I must advise you that while I maintain a clean and family-friendly atmosphere here, there are subjects (like today's) that require frankness. Sure, it may be funny, but what lies ahead is not for the faint of heart. A killer lies among us, waiting to strike. And I will not stand idly by while it claims another victim. Proceed at your own risk.
I can't recall exactly where I heard the story first, and I'd probably keep it anonymous even if I could. The victim was in the prime of life. Fit, young, virile. That's when it likes to strike. It's no fun laying low the elderly (well, it might be a little fun, but the AARP goes nuts!). While no one knows for sure where the illness came from, the victim claimed it originated in a bad "Reese's Pieces." That's right, ladies and gentlemen, not even E.T.'s favorite candy is safe. He was going about his business, enjoying a late night video game session with friends when all of a sudden, LD struck.
It presented itself as gas. Not the kind you fuel your car with, or heat your house. No, the gas that you blame on the dog, or fire in the direction of your enemies. But this gas was not amusing. It was painful, and its release was accompanied by...how to be delicate here...fluids. That's right, fluids where no fluids should be. Sure, the victim was uncomfortable, but soon enough his business seemed to be done. He recovered himself, washed his hands and retreated to his bedroom to lie down, cursing that "Reese's Pieces." But the LD was not done with our boy.
Not fifteen minutes had passed when again the victim found himself...bloated. Full to brimming as it were. He waddled to the bathroom as fast as his discomfort would allow, and was surprised when again the situation...exploded (just use your imagination). Now surely, the victim thought, he had not only gotten rid of the offending food, but anything else that might have been hiding in his small intestine. He retired to his bed, longing for the rest of sleep. It was not to be.
The story that was told to me continued for several dozen more bathroom trips over the next 48 hours. The victim made a valiant effort at hydration, but sadly lost his battle with LD and expired. The peace that he could not find on the toilet, finally found him in death. It's true. It happened to my sister's boyfriend's old college roommate. I swear.
Alright, so I was skeptical of the existence of LD, too. It's easy to buy into the stories of Sasquatch (or Rosie O'Donnell as the Native Americans refer to him), and anyone can see the logic behind Gilligan being Kennedy's assassin (we know why you took that three hour tour!), but come on. Killer Diarrhea? I don't buy it. Or, at least I didn't.
Being the Drunken Rogue comes with certain powers and abilities. I have a stronger than average constitution, am impervious to all truth serums, and I have the uncanny ability to burp the entire Beatles catalog. Generally, I don't get sick. So, Tuesday morning on our way back to Ruston when I had to pull over with car-sickness, I didn't think much of it. I hadn't had anything to drink the night before, but surely life owes me a couple of hang overs. And later that day, when I went to the bathroom at work for the third time in an hour, I still wasn't really worried. I probably just ate a little more than I should have the night before. It was the sixth trip to the bathroom, when I discovered that both my ends longed to be aimed towards the toilet that I realized there was something wrong.
Whatever you've heard about "the virus" that's going around (no, not Ebola. The stomach virus) it's much, much worse. I had no idea that my body had so much in it, nor that it could come out so quickly. I have gained a newfound respect for my digestive tract, and its processes.
As I sit here typing, nearly three days since the LD struck, I am weakened, I am bruised from battle, but I am resolute and recovering. Stand vigilant, my friends. There is danger behind that burrito, and death in the double dip. We stand prepared, or we lie defeated.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Insanity Episode II: The Playoffs Strike Back
About a week ago, in a stadium at least several hours from here...
(Powerful musical fanfare, as the credits roll)
That's right, ladies (and girly-men) the Rogue is back with all the insight that you didn't even realize you needed about this exciting second round of the NFL playoffs. I know it's hard to imagine, but this week is actually MORE exciting than last week's matches. But first...
A moment of silence for those teams that are no longer with us.
The New York Giants - Tiki Barber was disappointed to find out that while his retirement OFFICIALLY began last Sunday, there weren't any immediate openings on the Today Show. He is, however, watching the Rosie O'Donnell/Donald Trump/Barbara Walters feud with great interest.
The Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City head coach, Herm Edwards, was of course disappointed to lose in the Wild Card round, but he's excited about his buddies Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith moving forward. When asked for a comment after the game, Edwards said, "Well, we are all really close so I figure if things don't work out here, I could always get an assistant coaching job for one of them, you know with a good football team."
The New York Jets - The New York fans are traditionally rabid at draft time, which is why the Jets are so excited to have exited the playoffs early. Sure, it puts them below the really bad teams in the league, like Detroit or Oakland, but it also keeps them ahead of perennial favorites like New England and Philadelphia. This ensures that they overpay for a medium range talent, instead of dropping a surprise talent in their lap at a bargain rate. New Yorkers hate surprises.
The Dallas Cowboys - While I'm not positive, I think construction of the Tony Romo statue in downtown Dallas has been put on hold indefinitely. It's probably for the best though, since the pure magnetism of Romo's Greek god-like form would inevitably cause traffic jams as B-list singers like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood would constantly be visiting it.
The Indianapolis Colts - Wait a minute...these guys are still in it? I'm sorry, I just assumed they were out of it. They generally are this time of year.
So last week I went 2-2 as the New England Patriots and the Seahawks handled business, but the Indianapolis Colts and the Philadelphia Eagles surprised me with their ability to win with over-the-hill quarterbacks. Let's see how that works out for them this week.
The Indianapolis Colts vs. The Baltimore Ravens -- On a cold night in 1984 the Baltimore Colts vacated their home in Maryland and moved to the proverbial "greener pastures" of Indianapolis (I say proverbial, because, having never been to Indianapolis I cannot verify the greenness of their pastures). Well, on Saturday afternoon the chickens (or more correctly, the Ravens) come home to roost. Peyton Manning has been as tragically bad in the playoffs as he has been historically good in the regular season. While that didn't stop them from winning last week, it will sink them this week against the best defense in the league. Baltimore Ravens
The Seattle Seahawks vs. The Chicago Bears -- While Peyton Manning continues to wow in the regular season, and disappoint in the post-season, Rex Grossman is trying to establish the opposite in Chicago. The good news for Rex is that he actually has a terrific defense to lean on. Seattle, coming off a season riddled with injuries, is on the ropes and the combo of the Chicago Defense and Special teams will be enough to finish them off. In fact, I'd suggest that Lovie Smith not even put a quarterback into the game opting only for return yards on kickoffs and interceptions. Chicago Bears
The New England Patriots vs. The San Diego Chargers -- Bill Belichick, the dashingly handsome and devilishly intelligent New England coach, is all but undefeated in the playoffs as is his quarterback, Tom Brady. Marty Shottenheimer (coach of the San Diego Chargers) on the other hand hasn't won in his last five trips to the playoffs. His quarterback has never even been to the playoffs. So why would anyone give San Diego a chance? Why, in fact, are they actually the favorites in this game? Because Michael Jordan plays for San Diego. No, not the actual Michael Jordan, he (nearing fifty years old) probably wouldn't make a great football player anymore, but they have the football equivalent, a guy so much better than those around him that he makes them look amateurish. I'm talking about LaDanian Tomlinson. Nobody should ever bet against Michael Jordan. San Diego Chargers
The Philadelphia Eagles vs. The New Orleans Saints -- I should have put this game second on the list (since that's when it will be played) but I'm a Louisiana boy, and I have a lot riding on this game (emotionally, of course, I would never condone sports betting). The Philadelphia Eagles have pretty much owned the NFC (that's one of the two conferences in the NFL, remember) the last five or six years. They are currently the "hottest team" in the NFL (having won more in a row at the end of the season than anybody else), they have a wonderful receiving and rushing threat in Brian Westbrook, a level headed battle-tested quarterback, and one of the best coaches in the league. New Orleans has one of the best quarterbacks in the league, the best rookie receiver in Marquis Colston, the most talented (after Vince Young) rookie in Reggie Bush, a Pro Bowl rusher in Deuce McAllister, and the coach of the year in Sean Peyton. On paper it should be an incredibly close matchup. The difference maker is that the game will be played in the SuperDome in the rebuilding New Orleans. I might be willing to question the Saints, but I can't imagine that the people that will literally be overflowing the Dome this Saturday night will allow this Saints team to lose. Expect one of the greatest 12th men of all time to show up. Expect the Saints to shine. New Orleans Saints
Well, it's likely that this time Sunday I'll...well, I'll probably be asleep this time Sunday, but later I'll either be crying tears of joy over New Orleans win or just plain crying over their loss. I know you'll all be there with me in spirit, and that makes it so much easier. Till next week...that's the playoffs.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Why Do You Build Me Up Buttercup: The Pull of Powerball
"What's the jackpot up to?"
"Sixty Million."
This is a conversation I have actually had with the clerk at my local convenience store. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, sixty million (or more correctly 30 some odd million after taxes) just wouldn't do it for me. Nope, that pot has to get over 100 million for me to pony up a dollar. That's why tonight, I'm in.
Yes, the odds of me winning the lottery (and especially the multi-state Powerball) are incredibly slim. In fact I'm more likely (seven times more likely in fact) to get killed on my way to and from the convenience store than winning the jackpot. That's depressing. So, what is it that brings literally millions of people every Wednesday and Saturday to the Quik-Stop counter?
I think people are buying a chance to dream, and for a buck a piece these dreams are pretty cheap. For an afternoon (or a couple of days, if you buy your ticket early) you and your friends get to plan the life you'd lead if you were the lucky winner. What would you do with millions and millions of dollars? It's an exciting question, maybe not exciting enough to chance that car accident on the way to the store, but exciting all the same.
The Rogue's Plan for Life as a Multi-Millionaire
**This is only for the millions I may or may not win in tonight's Powerball drawing. This is not what I plan to do with the forthcoming millions from my lucrative book, television and film deals.**
1. Build my compound -- I'm a family guy. More than that, I'm a friend guy. I need my loved ones around me. Ever since I was a kid, I've joked that when I strike it rich, I'll build a compound for my nearest and dearest. Our own little subdivision, where we can have our own spaces, but can spend as much time together as we want. With my newfound millions, I'll build it.
2. Pay off debt -- Not just mine, but most of my family and friends. I'm making no specific promises (so you've still got to be nice to me) but I think the best way to help people in the long run is to free them from their major debt. I'm talking about student loans, mortgages, credit card debt, car loans etc. If you take the load of these expenses off of people, the money they make at their jobs would be plenty for them, they could even start saving some.
3. Travel -- I'm going to Washington D.C., Seatlle, San Diego, New York City, Las Vegas, Rio de Janeiro, Dublin, Belfast, London, Rome, Athens, Istanbul, and Jerusalem. Not all at one time of course, but eventually. Also, Disneyworld. Booyah!
4. Make some investments -- You would think this goes without saying, but often people who win phenomenal amounts of money are so dumbfounded by the number of zeroes that they forget that it could (and probably will) eventually run out. I'm going to do my best to make sure that the winnings would last, not just for my lifetime but to help my children's children. It's often said that America helps make the richer richer, well I'm going to take advantage of that. I'd also make some investments, not for monetary gain but in people. I have been lucky enough to meet a lot of very talented people in my life. A lot of these people could do wonderful things with a little bit of funding. I'm going to try to provide some of that funding.
5. Donate boatloads -- I think if you don't give back, it'll be taken from you. So why not at least decide where it goes? I have some favorite charities that I know (or believe at least) would put my money to good use. If I won, those charities would get a big slice every year.
You see, I haven't even actually bought my ticket yet, and already I've had a great time dreaming about my life as a millionaire. You've gotten a blog out of it. Everybody's happy. Now, I'll just be really careful on my way to the store.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Getting that Stuff Out of the Basement: Rocky Balboa and the Last Hurrah
I'm a child of the eighties. I believe that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone (and to a lesser degree, Bruce Willis) are as close to superheroes as we are ever going to get. They are the heroes of my youth, and despite their deteriorating physical forms and occasional missteps ("Stop or My Mom Will Shoot" or "The 6th Day") I still have a fondness for them that knows no bounds. I disclose this unabashed love for my matinee idols so that there is no misunderstanding as to my state of mind before seeing the latest installment in the Rocky series.
"Rocky Balboa" is a film that almost nobody (but me and Stallone) was dying to see. There was not a building outcry demanding a further exploration of the declining years of the Italian Stallion. I don't think there were any blogs running poll questions on whether or not Adrian Balboa was still alive. While "Rocky V" was a less than satisfying entry to the series, most people believed that it WAS the final installment. Apparently Stallone thought otherwise.
"I think there's still some stuff in the basement." - Rocky Balboa to Paulie
That's the line that Rocky uses to justify his intention to fight again even though (if you do the math with the film continuity) Rocky must be in his late mid to late fifties. Paulie doesn't believe in Rocky, and his role as the voice of the dissenting and skeptical film goer is well played. Filling the film with characters from the first film (Little Marie, and Spider Rico as examples) is brilliant. Last summer, Bryan Singer and Warner Brothers released "Superman Returns" into theaters. It served as a pseudo-sequel to "Superman: the Movie" and "Superman II". It used the characters, pieces of storyline and even occasionally overtly used pieces of dialogue. "Rocky Balboa" does a better job than that film as a sequel to the series, without venturing into the territory of homage.
Rocky has "some stuff in the basement" and he needs to climb back in the ring and unload those locked up feelings on an opponent. He says he needs to "stand toe to toe and say 'I am.'" I'm so glad he did. It's not all roses and victory bows for "Rocky Balboa." Milo Ventimiglia ("Heroes" Peter Petrelli) is stiff and unbelievable as Rocky Jr., (although, thankfully he's much better than Sage Stallone would have been) and there are some obvious choices that border on cliche, but overall "Rocky Balboa" delivers exactly what you want from it: action, a little heart (say that in your best Meredith Burgess impression), and a lovable character that has transcended the flawed films he appears in to become part of the American consciousness.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
From the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue: Flushing for Dollars
For the enlightenment of the newest converts of the Drunken Rogue, and to honor the passing of another year, I've been re-issuing a few select articles from my first year of blogging. Today's selection is one I'm particularly proud of. It shows wit, humor, and good sense (as well as some personal growth as concerns one of my hang-ups). I hope that the wisdom contained herein brings you a chuckle and a happier workplace in the New Year. Without further ado:
Flushing for Dollars
As a young man, I had issues with public bathrooms. When I was shopping or at school and nature called, I'd just hold it. Many were the days I'd rush home, bursting at the proverbial (and literal) seams. Even in college, if I really had to go, I'd just skip class and head to my apartment.
Why the aversion to public toilets? Probably most of the same reasons you don't like them.
1. Germaphobia
2. Sickly anti-septic smell
3. Sandpaper-worthy toilet paper.
Now, we all agree that people (and by the way, who are these people?) misuse public toilets. They miss the seat (or don't aim at all), they use up (and don't replace) the toilet paper, pour water, soap and other interesting fluids all over the sink, etc. But do the cleaning supplies to correct these abuses have to smell like a combination natural gas and that stuff from the doctor's office? Wouldn't some nice "country fresh" Lysol do the trick? Let's assume for a moment that industrial strength cleaners are the only ones that are up to the job, if that's the case shouldn't the clean last a while? I clean my bathroom with store bought products (and not that often I might add) but when I do, it stays clean, at least for a while.
So yes, friends, I feared and despised public restrooms for most of my life. That has all changed now. What is the cause of this reversal? I give all the credit to one woman, Rose. Rose was my supervisor during my student job my last year at La Tech. Some of you may remember her from my mention in one of the "Life and Times of the Drunken Rogue" posts. Rose gave me some advice (and how this came up in conversation, I do not know), never use the bathroom on your lunchbreak. Come back to work, do it there, and extend your off time.
Rose, while an incredible secretary and manager of time, was also a genius at wasting said time. I strive every day to be a little more like her in that regard. At first I scoffed at her idea of work-time bathroom breaks, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw the truth of the principle. I can take my full lunch hour to eat, visit with my wife, watch the news, read the paper etc., and then return to work just in time to head to the bathroom with the above mentioned paper.
Now I understand this wouldn't work for some of you. Perhaps your office has a centrally located toilet and you fear the snickers that would come from stinking it up. Maybe you're even more focused on quality toilet paper than I am (I doubt it) and simply refuse to use anything less than cushiony. I urge you to give it a try though, because you are reading the words of a convert.
Benefits to Work-Time Bathrooming
1. Use ALL of your lunchtime.
2. Put off that loathsome work a few more minutes.
3. Catch up on your reading.
There are however some guidelines to follow if you wish to have the best Work-time bathroom experience.
1. Find the bathroom that is farthest from your actual workspace -- Perhaps there is one located a floor up or down from yours. Maybe there is one in the back hallway that is seldom used. Maybe you use the bathroom right beside the cubicle of your workplace rival. Just as in real estate, location location location!
2. Make sure you have the time you need -- Don't schedule your bathroom time just before a meeting. The whole point of this is to create a leisurely comfortable feel in your office, and rushing won't do that. Also you want to have plenty of time to adequately dry your hands after washing. Nothing gives away your secret like shaking hands with corporate while they are still dripping.
3. Reading material -- While not everyone needs a magazine or newspaper, at least take a pamphlet or even the liner notes for that new CD you picked up. In a pinch the employee handbook makes fascinating reading (I had no idea, I technically could take my birthday off!). The point is to occupy your mind, preferably not with work. This is your time after all.
4. Share the secret, selectively -- It's that much more fun to get away with something when you have accomplices. So those office buddies you get together with on the weekends, or the friend from college that followed you into the workplace should be in on the fun as well. I am not suggesting to take them with you, but tell them what you've discovered. ***Caution*** This should not be used as a pick up line on the hot chick from accounting that you've been eyeing. As much fun as work-time bathrooming can be, I hesitate to call it sexy.
5. Bring in reinforcements -- For me, and probably some of you the biggest drawback to using the office toilet is the industrial (re scratchy and thin) toilet paper. So I bring my own. That's right, I brought my own toilet paper. I keep it in my desk, and take what I need when I head to the bathroom. But how to get it into the office discreetly? Do you carry a briefcase, laptop bag, or satchel? There's plenty of room in there once every couple of weeks.
Follow these rules and you too can experience the joys of on-the-clock bathroom breaks. Remember:
Wise Man Say -- use the bathroom at work, and get paid to poop.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Something for the Ladies: A Woman's Guide to the Playoffs
That's right, ladies, the Drunken Rogue cares for you in your hour of need. I know the men in your life have disappeared. Wandering off to a buddy's house for the next several weeks. Or maybe they have just stopped responding to outside stimulus, their eyes glazed over while their hand death grips the remote control. It's playoff time.
Once a year America's favorite sport (football, and no I don't mean that pansy European variety called soccer) becomes even more important as the league's elite teams vie for the two spots in the Super Bowl. It can be a daunting time for a fan, and downright frightening for the uninitiated. That's where I come in. I'll show you the ins and outs of the playoffs, as well as give you my Wild-Card round picks. Don't worry about the jargon, ladies, we'll explain it all in good time.
**It bears mentioning that this guide will work just as well for the non-football fan guy reading. Although, if you're a guy and you don't get excited by the playoffs, there may be something wrong with your plumbing...I'm just saying.**
What are the Playoffs? God's little gift to mankind. Sure there's that whole creation thing, and the salvation and redemption were nice as well. These things should not be shortchanged. But the Playoffs, that's a pretty big one. The Playoffs are where the men are separated from the boys, where the wheat is separated from the chaff and where your husbands cannot be separated from their recliners.
How does it work? The NFL is divided into two conferences, the NFC and the AFC (think the north and south in the Civil War but without the slavery or the division of brothers, although there is a Manning in either one). The top twelve teams in the NFL (six from each Conference) get into the playoffs. The teams that are ranked 1 and 2 in each conference get a bye (a week off) while the other four teams play each other. This way the teams that perform well in the regular season are rewarded with time to get healthy (it's like when your man does the dishes without being asked seven times and so you do that special thing that he likes...this is a family atmosphere, excuse me).
Why do you care? Mostly because ad agencies and ESPN tell us to. Deep within every man there is a sad little boy that wishes he had gotten picked first on the playground (even the boy that did get picked first has issues, trust me). Watching sports (especially violent ones like football) allows us to live out some of these pent up dreams that we know we'll never get to fulfill in real life. Just let us have Sundays, it's cheaper than therapy.
How long will this last? For the rest of our lives...oh, you meant the playoffs, not the psychosis. Ah, yes. The Playoffs consist of a Wild card round (this weekend), a second round (next weekend), the Conference Championships (two weeks from now) and then the Super Bowl (they take some time off between the Conference Championship and the Super Bowl so that everyone can get really drunk either celebrating or mourning).
So, Who's going to win? A fair question. One that countless talking heads who analyze, study and discuss this game for a living have talked about for the last week and will continue talking about until after the Super Bowl when they start talking about next season (there really is no down time for our psychosis). The truth is, nobody knows. That's why they play the game (that and the millions and millions of dollars that they get paid to do so). But for grins and giggles (and so that you can look smart in front of your man) here are my picks for this weekend's Wild Card match-ups:
The Kansas City Chiefs vs. The Indianapolis Colts -- Peyton Manning and the Colts are a powerful offense, but they have absolutely no ability to stop teams from running the ball. No team runs the ball better than Kansas City. That smells like trouble to me. Kansas City Chiefs
The Dallas Cowboys vs. The Seattle Seahawks -- Three weeks ago Tony Romo (the Dallas Quarterback) was the toast of the NFL, today he's just toast. Seattle Seahawks
The New York Jets vs. The New England Patriots -- The coach of the Jets studied under the coach of the Patriots (who is generally considered the best coach in the NFL), however there comes a time when (to paraphrase Star Wars) the student becomes the teacher. This just isn't that time. New England Patriots
The New York Giants vs. The Philadelphia Eagles -- Peyton Manning's younger (less talented) brother, Eli, is the quarterback for the Giants. He doesn't have his big brother's arm strength or field vision, but he also doesn't have an entire city that expects him to lose (Jeff Garcia and the Philly Eagles however, do). New York Giants
Well, there we are ladies (and sports challenged men) my look at the first week of the 2007 NFL playoffs. We laughed, we cried, we bet the rent money on a loser. I'll see you back here next week, when we outline the ways the Saints could screw up a good thing.
From the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue: The Rogue Goes on Forever
It's another Golden Oldie from the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue. As we look forward to 2007 and what it has in store for us, I'm taking a look back, at some excellent blog posts that some of you may have missed. In today's installment I bring you a look at the Rogue family tree as we examine...
The Rogue Goes on Forever: Drunken Rogues Through History
While I carry the Drunken Rogue name with pride, even occasionally referring to myself as "The Original Drunken Rogue," the Rogue has always been with us. From the moment the Sumerians invented beer, and then realized you could eat the by-product (they called it bread), there have always been those who had special powers. What powers you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but I'm telling you anyway)
1. The Power to Consume Liquor in Any Form -- While lesser men have a preference of beverages, "I'm a beer man." or "Only whiskey for me." or "Give me the fruity one, with the umbrella," the Rogue cares not what manner of delivery the alcohol chooses. Mixed, malted, or straight from the bottle it's all the same to the Rogue.
2. Powerful Charisma - This is what separates the Drunken Rogue from the town drunk (notice, there is no capitalization there). It's one thing to be a drunk, it's quite another to have a love for drink in addition to other great personality traits.
3. The Power of Flight - It's something I've kept secret, but now I feel it's important to reveal. You didn't know I could fly, did you? History tells you that Ben Franklin discovered electricity flying a kite, but NONSENSE! He was just plain flying. (I suppose this perceived power of flight might merely be a hallucination brought on by the alcohol, but nah. We can probably fly.)
Today we honor some of the greatest:
Drunken Rogues Through History
1. Noah - Yes, the one righteous man on the earth in his time, the man God chose to become the new father of the world, the guy who spent 120 years building an ark and collecting two of every animal (but curiously forgot the freakin' unicorn), also happened to be a Drunken Rogue. Shortly after surviving the flood, and being blessed by God with the first rainbow, Noah built himself a vineyard. He had a little too much wine in celebration and ended up falling down naked. Incidentally this whole escapade (and the subsequent cursing of his son, Ham, because he didn't help him) has been used for a few millennia to justify slavery. Oops. But you know, he got the ark right.
2. Benjamin Franklin - Other than the above mentioned anecdote of his flying discovery of electricity, we also have his drinking to thank for our independence. He and John Adams were getting loaded one night, and as he peeled the label on his current bottle of ale, he spotted the tax stamp. It sent him into a drunken rage, "To hell with Britain. Who are they to charge a half pence more for a pint of beer? Let's declare independence." That my friends was on July 2nd. One of the greatest quotes about our favorite barley beverage (and a personal motto of mine) comes from Ben, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
3. Winston Churchill - one of the most prodigious drinkers in history, and the reason the British don't currently speak German. Coincidence? I think not. I also think it worth pointing out that the second World War pitted a serious drinker (Churchill) against a serious teetotaler, or non-drinker (Hitler). Again, you see whose on the right side, here. Churchill's quotes about drinking are numerous and funny enough to deserve their own post (light bulb goes on), but here's one of my favorites, "My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them." He also famously quipped, "(I've) taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me," right on, Winston, right on.
4. W.C. Fields - Like Fatty Arbuckle before him (without the scandalous end of his career) W.C. Fields built a career and an empire on his drunkedness (yep, that's a word). It didn't hurt that he was terribly funny. My personal favorite Fields quote, "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snake bite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake." Advice to live your life by.
5. Frank Sinatra - While Humphrey Bogart had made the drinking lifestyle cool in the movies, Sinatra turned it into an art form. "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Frank Sinatra. His hard living, and carousing cost him several marriages, but it also brought him a smooth velvety voice and some of the best pals a guy could have, one of which even makes this list.
6. Dean Martin - Compared to Dino, Sinatra was an amateur drinker. While some critics have claimed that in his stage show, Martin drank apple juice and pretended it was liquor, this is nonsense. Dino would be ashamed. As Dean would often remark to his partners in crime, "You're not drunk, if you can lay on the floor without holding on." In Rio Bravo, one of John Wayne's greatest westerns, Martin played Dude, otherwise known as Borachan, or "drunk" in Spanish. Great character, great movie, great drunk.
So now you know some great examples of Drunken Rogue's through history, but who lines up on the other side of the fence? Let's see.
A List of Prominent Teetotalers
1. Heinrich Himmler - German Nazi, Head of the SS
2. Adolf Hitler - German Nazi Leader, one of the single largest murderers in the history of the human race.
3. Osama Bin Laden - Terrorist, figure head of al-Qaeda, bad dresser
4. Vladimir Putin - Current President of Russia, stealer of civil liberties
5. John Mayer - American Pop Singer, guilty of passing off rhythmic farts as music, false leader of young people
You don't want to be like those guys, do you? I didn't think so. For drinking lessons, or for more humorous alcohol quotes, meet me at the local bar, or any bar (if you're paying).
***Lawyer's Note*** The opinions expressed herein are solely those of the author and reflect neither the beliefs of Hookem, Catchem, and Skinem or Drunken Rogue Publishing. Any ill effects due to following the lifestyle prescribed herein (liver damage, traffic violations, falling on your face) are solely the responsibility of the guilty party. Drunken Rogue Publishing neither condones, nor appreciates excessive drinking. Please Drink Responsibly, and don't sue us...or him...on second thought, feel free to sue him... but not us.***End Lawyer's Note***
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
My Latest Addiction
It's 3:30am. I'm up wandering to the bathroom to answer nature's call. I handle my business and am on my way back to bed to catch those last few hours of slumber, but then I see it. There it is, calling to me. I'm not going back to bed, not right away.
It's 7:45pm. Ella and I are enjoying a nice quiet evening on the couch. We are watching a movie. It's exciting, touching and has my complete attention. Until, I notice it. Five minutes go by as I completely lose focus on the film I was so enjoying. For all I know the heroine and the hero are no longer madly in love, it doesn't matter anymore. I've got to go to it. It's calling me.
What is it? What has such a hold on me that I'm losing sleep to maintain a connection? What is so important I can't even sit through a movie or a whole episode of "Sports Night"? It's the glowing blue light coming from my Wii.
The Wii is my favorite new toy. For those that don't know anything about it I would suggest you check out Wii.com. I don't know when exactly the glowing blue light took over my life, but I do know there is no going back. It glows to tell me that I have a message. Maybe it is one of my friends that also own a Wii, telling me about a new game they're playing, or a new Mii they created. Maybe they've sent me one of their Mii's! Or perhaps Nintendo has unlocked some new feature and they've sent me a message notifying me. This has already happened twice with the Forecast Channel and the Internet Channel. It's so exciting.
I'm writing this in between dashes to my living room to make sure there is no current glowing light. I'd hate to miss a new message or delivery. For those that have a Wii (connected to the Internet) know that someone else is suffering (and reveling) the harsh mastery of the glowing blue light. For those that don't yet know the power of the Wii (and rest assured we will have you all eventually) enjoy your time as free men and women, because the glowing blue light is coming for you.
Top Five Threats to Modern American Society:
5. Osama Bin Ladin - Sure he's holed up in a cave somewhere probably dying of a combination of internal wounds and meanness, but still this crafty bastard is likely to strike at any moment. Never mind the fact that he is on the run and no longer in charge of his own organization, he's dangerous.
4. Saddam Hussein - I know we've all seen the video by now of his execution, but are you really so gullible as to think that death will stop this man's menace? Nonsense. Anyone wily enough to hide Weapons of Mass Destruction even while he hides himself in a trench in the desert is a man worth fearing. Not to mention the fact that he may be Barack Obama's illegitimate father.
3. Intergalactic Space Tyrants - The Scientologists have been warning us for years of the impending doom that awaits us if we continue to ignore Xenu and his attacks on our well being from within our own bodies. I don't know about you, but that sounds like some pretty sage advice to me! I'll be cleansing myself of Intergalactic Space Tyrants while I'm waiting on a message from the Wii.
2. Evel Knievel - What's that you say? He's old and decrepit? The only way he maintains any semblance of consciousness is with oxygen tanks and heavy doses of morphine? I say that just makes him more dangerous. Any guy like that is gonna go out with one last stunt, and a long jump on motorcycle with three or four heavily explosive tanks hooked up to him sounds a lot like a terrorist attack to me!
1. The Glowing Blue Light of the Wii - Aha! You didn't really know where I was going with this one did you? Well, this is where I was going. It's addictive, it's overpowering, and it may well have been dreamed up by some of the aforementioned dangerous men (although probably not Evel, thinking wasn't really his thing). Look out America, the Wii is after you!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Bonehead Plays: The Greatest Game of all Time and Why I Missed It
Let me preface this tale of woe with the following statement: I love football. But I REALLY love Pro-football. College pigskin can be exciting and exhilarating, but for me, the NFL is where it's at. (Incidentally, what is IT and why are we always looking for IT's location?)
Yesterday there was a football game. Truthfully there were a lot of football games, but two in particular were of interest to me, and the public at large. The first pitted two almost national championship teams against each other. The University of Southern California who after putting together one of the greatest multiple season runs in history stumbled towards the end of this season, was pitted against The University of Michigan, who many people felt deserved another shot at the #1 ranked team, Ohio State University. That was a good game, defensive in the first half with USC eventually pulling away for a big win.
The other game of interest featured The University of Oklahoma, a perennial powerhouse and challenger for the national championship, taking on an upstart that no one thought belonged there. The unwelcome team was Boise State University. The boys from the blue turf of Idaho had run roughshod over their (admittedly weak) Western Athletic Conference foes, as well as beating all their non-conference opponents. They were the only Division I team (other than the #1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes) that remained undefeated. They were given absolutely no chance. The national media thought it was cute that such a small conference was represented in the BCS. I thought it was going to be a slaughter.
Oh, I was wrong. If not for a few lucky breaks falling Oklahoma's way, Boise might have slaughtered the Sooners. As it happened, Boise lead early, they lead late and they led large. Oklahoma fought their way back and it seemed that Cinderella's story had drawn to a close. But the slipper was still on her foot, and there weren't any pumpkins in sight. A total of 22 points were scored in the final minute and a half of regulation. Let's put that into context: Penn State and Tennessee played a Bowl game yesterday. They combined for 30 points in the ENTIRE game. Auburn and Nebraska only added up to 31, so did Arkansas and Wisconsin. Boise outscored all of those teams in the FIRST half.
Some rapid fire scoring to end the game does not (by itself) make a CLASSIC game. A thrilling end to overtime does though. Boise used about 100 different trick plays to pull off an amazing overtime touchdown drive and then made the guts and glory call to go for a two point conversion to win the game. What play did they use to score the two point conversion? A trick play called the "Statue of Liberty."
***QUICK SUMMATION FOR THOSE NOT EVEN MILDLY INTERESTED IN SPORTS*** The game was one of the most exciting and surprising sporting events in my (admittedly short) lifetime.
And I wasn't watching.
What was so important that I couldn't spare a few moments to watch sports history? Was a family member injured? Was I on a mission from God? (Nice Blues Brother reference, isn't it?) Was "Heroes" on NBC? NO! I was watching a movie, "World Trade Center" to be specific. It's a fine film, no doubts about it. I can easily and happily recommend it to others, but as a substitute for a spectacular sports moment, it fails miserably.
So, if somebody taped the damn thing send me a message. Because one way or another, I'm watching this game. Thank God for ESPN Classic.
Friday, December 29, 2006
From the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue: Who the Hell is the Drunken Rogue?
As the New Year approaches, I've decided to highlight some of my earlier pieces in a series I'm calling "From the Vaults of the Drunken Rogue." Today however it occurs to me that the piece I wanted to repost today is not very good. So forget that.
In early March of 2006 A.D. (for those that worried about what epoch I was referring to), I embarked on a new experiment. The result of that experiment is this blog (and the makings of a book as well). The first post was what I intended to give you today, but as mentioned earlier it's just not good. So instead I contemplated what I would write as an introduction to the blog if I was just starting today. Taking into account all I've learned over the last year, my viewpoint, execution and punctuation are all vastly improved. So here now, for the first time ever:
Who the Hell is the Drunken Rogue?
The path of the Drunken Rogue is one that I didn’t embark on lightly. It was only after a significant period of self-reflection and ingestion of various purative agents that I decided to take on the mantle of “Drunken Rogue.” I had previously held the title (or nom de plume as the Germans would have it) “The Inebriated Scallywag.” It was definitely a promotion for me, but was I selling out?
Eventually my pride (and the persistence of my creditors) pushed me to pursue a higher position and more consistent (ie. existent) compensation. So it was with a heavy heart (and an empty pocket) that I took on the persona of “The Drunken Rogue”.
If I had remembered that my three year contract as the “Inebriated Scallywag” was not yet expired, I might have thought better of it. I owed some three hundred dollars and change as an early termination penalty. Damn fine print. It will be sometime in my third year as “The Drunken Rogue” when I finally break even.
I said all that to say this, I’m glad to be here and look forward to an interesting (and possibly enlightening) journey. As a reader you have a million different places to seek entertainment, education, and environmentally friendly dissertations. But nowhere else on this great digital page called the internet will you find those things from me. As a writer I’ve only got this one place that will print my stuff. Now we both know why we are here, that makes things a lot clearer. Ah, the introductions:
Who is the Drunken Rogue?
The Drunken Rogue is more than a man, it’s an idea. Realistically, I have no idea what difference it makes but poetically that sounds better.
But who are you?
The aforementioned Drunken Rogue, a humble servant of the words. But on a personal level, I’m a writer who moonlights (or would that be daylights) as a DJ. I’m married (and ridiculously in love with) a beautiful woman, and am contemplating a retreat to Europe (I hear that’s where the history comes from).
Why do we care what you have to say?
Sure, there are others with more experience, expertise, foresight, afterthought, imagination, ability and, without a doubt, talent. But those people are only pretenders. You are a discerning reader, one who can cut through the surface levels of nonsense and see the true uselessness that lies within. That, my friends, has brought us together. Because doubtlessly, no one oozes uselessness like me.
What are you going to write about?
My articles (or exposés as the Koreans refer to them) will deal with a broad range of the most intellectual stimulating subjects. From the events of the day, to modern and classical politics. From ancient history and philosophical discussions of the origin, purpose and meaning of life to treatise on the symbology of American football. Mostly I’ll write humor pieces.
How can I get more of your writing?
